December 20, 2018
Wimpy Atlas
Am I the only one who feels like Atlas with wimpy shoulders sometimes?
Yesterday was a good example:
I got up at 5:30am to work, the guy cancels as I’m just on the road. Bummer.
Get back home, waste of a half-hour prep and 20 minutes gas and time, but I try to stay positive. My breathing flared up; can’t lay down to go back to sleep. Grrrrr… hot tea and honey while I work on my character cards for the 6th in The Devonians – 26 characters in this one because it is set during a community planting season.
I write a program for translating ages – this will make future work easier. I had my tea. I hoped I would avoid having to take the allergy pill (discovered a natural antihistamine as I’m allergic to both Benadryl and the emergency inhaler I was supposed to be taking 4 times a day, but I still prefer not to take anything). I pick up the second ride. I’ve now made $20.
I chose not to dwell on sad things pinging around the back of my brain.
But when I got home about 11, I was starved. I made my Shakeology because Louis wasn’t hungry (the kids had already eaten, and I wasn’t going to make a whole breakfast just for me). Louis took the next call so I could finish eating. I gathered all my stuff into neat little piles so I could use my tools to guide my story. Christina needed help on an Algebra problem so I set my Shakeology cup down.
But… (that word NOT in the positive this time!)
As I finished with Christina’s problem *BAM* I turned and knocked the full Shakeology cup over ($3.50 meal – I hate waste)! *SPLASH* the broken blinds, the window, the lamp, the wall, EVERY ONE of my 26 cards, my hand-written “cheat sheet” I’d created almost a year ago for the Devonians families, and the floor are covered in goo. Imagine slightly soupy pudding – that’s the consistency of Shakeology + coffee.
Immediately, as quickly as the drops of fluid, everything negative that I was trying to hold back rained down on my brain.
The evening before, Mom got Daddy’s ashes… all that’s left of his body is in two boxes on her table.
Didn’t get to stop by Mom’s on the way home (*thoughts* you are a horrible daughter.)
Didn’t get to snuggle on the couch with Lucas because I was cleaning while he fell asleep (horrible mom.)
Didn’t get to fix my pie or anything to take to the party (horrible guest.)
I had to drive in the morning but only had two calls & the would-be big one canceled (horrible provider.)
Lucas wanted me to play trains… I was busy teaching (again, you never play with him!)
…and on and on and on… my brain just rained down things I wished I could have done differently, things I wanted to do but hadn’t, and things I should have done.
I felt like the world was falling on my shoulders and squishing me flat.
Now I was hungry, it was noon, and the very next call was “make some rice for lunch” because we had one pound of beef in the freezer and “stir-fry would be good.” All I wanted was to type my frustrations out and make another Shakeology to actually eat. I wanted to get to my vitamin shake before I went to work at 2. (I was leaving early to stop by my mom’s today!)
I read somewhere that a mother is the Chief Mood Officer in her home. When I start getting lost in emotion, I remind myself of that. I turned on Christmas music, started cleaning so I could start rice, and prayed I’d be able to pull my own mood up (and keep the house from growing dark). My siblings’ party is tomorrow. I can choose to shift my focus on the positive. Hopefully it works!
*By the way* I didn’t get my shake until I was on the way to work, my mom wasn’t home when I got to her house, and on… BUT I was working playroom so had brought my Devonians folder and was able to use the 40 “lost” minutes to recreate some of the destroyed cards. I forced myself to focus on the positive again… this week has been a constant challenge for me. God. God is totally in control. (I just need to lean on Him – His shoulders are not weak.)
Thanks for reading!
Type at you next time…
~Nancy Tart