September 23, 2019
Questions
I love how children ask questions. Sometimes their questions make you go search something. Like “what is a rainbow?” or “why are leaves green?”
Sometimes their questions mirror your own; but those you won’t speak.
You know, questions that your doubting mind asks but your thinking heart understands.
“Why are you crying?” I ask.
My little girl is riding with me to go pick up two of her big sisters, “why did Aunt Mary die? Why is Mandy’s mom gone? Jay is a baby; he will never remember his mom.”
Her tears fall as she speaks. I let her finish talking. My heart aches. I ask those questions in my head too.
“I miss my baby sister too.” I start, I want to connect with her heart. “Our world is broken because of sin.” She nods, she has heard this too.
“I know,” she is still slowly crying, “but she loved Jesus since she was little like me.” (Mary had told them once that she was five when she promised Jesus her heart. I was there. She was telling everyone about Jesus and was just five years old.) Jaquline didn’t know how complex her aunt’s life had become so fast. Because of sinful controlling people in her life that kept her bogged down, in fear of her life or her family’s life, and assaulted her mentally as they tried to keep her quiet and separate her from anyone who truly loved her. As a young teen, some guy misused her, showed her that from a certain spot he could see her father’s bedroom, and told her one shot through the window would kill the man she loved the most. He was the first to rip her young heart to shreds with his awful controlling self – then he had the gall to continue to threaten her when she moved 300 miles away! Others treated her like dirt; lying about those she loved and people who cared about her until she actually believed these lies and isolated herself from those who would have helped her.
I could hate these people. Instead I pray for them.
But she’s my baby sister. There was a part of me that wanted to go “Good Citizen” on their carcasses. But I know Jesus died for them just like He died for me and I am supposed to love my enemies.
Switch back to my car on the interstate with my nine year old sitting shotgun with silent tears crawling down her fair cheeks. This all flashes really fast so the same song is still playing.
“Do you ever think about where Aunt Mary is now?” Jaquline says. Newsong’s “My Heart is Already There” was playing in the background.
“Yes.” All the time. That comforts me. “She’s with Jesus. Can you imagine? Being in His presence and seeing his face?”
Jaquline giggles. “Maybe all her puppies will be there.” (Mary loved animals and was always trying to get a dog, but always the guy she lived with didn’t want one.)
“Remember the pictures of her as a baby chasing Boodle?” I ask (cutest little Maltese my family had twenty years ago) Jaquline laughs. “I bet she’s petting him instead of chasing him now.”
“I ask Jesus why Aunt Mary is gone.” Her voice is distant. “He doesn’t answer.”
I sighed, “do you know why Jesus made us?”
“To be with Him.” Bingo.
“Yes, He wanted a relationship with us. He loves each of us. He didn’t want Mary to die, but now she is with Him all the time. Only God knows when each person’s time comes to die. We all will die one day.”
“I always hope to die when I’m old like Boompa,” Jaquline said. “I’m not so sad for Boompa, but I’m so sad for Aunt Mary. I’m sad for Grandma.” Yes. Same for me. I miss my father immensely. I miss my sister. I can’t fathom the depth of grief for my mother.
“Jesus will comfort Grandma. We have to help love her too.” I say.
“We can be Jesus’ arms and hug her!” Jaquline’s tears have dried a bit and she’s now thinking about serving others. She loves helping; it usually brings her happiness.
“Yes.” I smiled at her as we parked. “And sometimes Jesus uses her arms to hug you, too.”
Big smiles return.
Yes. I totally miss my sister. I grieve for the harshness she ended up living through for the last few years of her life. 23. Her life’s clock stopped so short, only 23 years. I always dreamed of her silly dancing at our Christmas parties for ages, smiling her beaming-happy-smile as she watched nieces and her daughter walk shakily down their aisle to their forever-love, dancing with her sons at their weddings, encouraging my teenagers in their Christian walk toward womanhood, and living her new-found free life focused on her three little angels. Their plans, maybe not together, but at least working together for the best – the children. So, yes, I asked that question. “Why, God? Why is my baby sister dead?” It seemed so surreal for me. No body. No last look. No nothing. I keep expecting her to drive up, drop the littles off, and enjoy some of whatever food we have just cooked.
I know this world is broken by sin. I know it wasn’t ever in God’s plan for us to have death. I know my grandmothers, father, and baby sister are in heaven in the presence of God. I have hope I will see them again. But yes, I did ask those questions. Yes, my heart aches for my family who must live without her. I pray for all of us daily. I find it hardest to pray for those who have hurt her, but that is my challenge. I must love them as Jesus did.
My mind drifts back:
“…He has called us too! He has called us too! We are all disciples! Even me and you!” The little voice yells each stanza of the VBS song. Jumping with excitement, “did I get them all right?”
I had been singing along and am raking something for a vegetable bed. “Yes, Mary, don’t bounce on my tilled dirt.” We laugh and she points at her shoeprints.
“Yippeeeeeee!” She hollers and spins. “Where’s Easter! I’m gonna sing it to Easter!” And she runs off in a singing blur, little bright blue eyes sparkling with life, long wispy blonde hair flying about in the Georgia breeze, she’s going to find that silly yellow hen that actually loves to be captured by Mary and sits contentedly tucked in her arms. I look up to see my vibrant baby sister swinging on the swingset with Easter in her lap, projecting her beautiful voice with some soul-singer power as she practices the song for tomorrow’s VBS service. (You know, where the kids show off to the adults what they’ve learned in the week) Mary would tell the world that she asked Jesus in her heart about two years later. She had such a love for life and care for others. No one is perfect. We aren’t Jesus. I love her for her heart. I will always love my baby sister. No, loss never “gets easy” but I do have hope in Jesus that I will see her again. And that keeps me out of falling into bitterness. I can’t allow my grief to turn into bitterness. I can’t be Rose from Overcomer; I have to choose joy.
And just like a soundtrack to my life, as I slide back in the car with the two older girls in tow, For King and Country’s “I Choose Joy” is shouting from the speakers.
Thank you, Jesus. You know my heart.
Type at you next time,
~Nancy Tart