Dating Decisions – Part 3

Dating Decisions Part 3: Discovering Real Life and True Love

September 20, 2020

Dating Decisions – Part 3

At this point in my story I am a few months into 16, realizing that my focus cannot be on someone else. Jesus is my answer, my hope, my truth, not some guy I will meet “eventually.” That brought more peace to my crazy teenage mind than any other decision I had made since choosing Jesus as my personal Savior.

I determined to stand on the principles of virtue that I wanted to find in my future mate. If I had high expectations, it stood to reason that he should as well.

I had already told God (when I was 12) that I would keep myself a perfect gift for my husband. I did some silly girlish stuff that I kept hidden – like write letters to my future husband as I was journaling. Several, actually most, of these letters were destroyed by inquisitive dogs and siblings long before I was 19. I understood purity to be in the mind, body, and heart. Of all the people I interviewed, none told me they wished they had “tried it out first” but almost every person who had “tried sex out” before marriage told me that they wished they hadn’t. Most of them cited trust issues after marriage as their reason. A few told me it made them feel less worthy or made their partner less desirable. Several did not marry the person they “tried out” with. My Daddy told me that once a boy makes a conquest, he thinks of the girl as dirty, trash, something to be discarded. He said that was why he never wanted to use anyone. He told me “men don’t use women but boys use girls.” The silver screen brought that to life in “Spencer’s Mountain” where they get the cow bred and Dad says to son something like: you aren’t a bull and your woman won’t be a cow. That image stuck with me. Stories about my Daddy’s friends, relatives in our extended family, and from my curious interview subjects led me to the understanding that if someone doesn’t respect your decisions in regard to your personal limits, they don’t truly respect you at all.

That led me to the decision that should I be dating someone and they choose to ignore or press my limits, I would back up and leave. Don’t respect me = deal breaker.

I also decided that I would give them just as much respect as I expected. That was something I already did because I was raised that way, but I made that mental decision and wrote it down just to solidify it. If I couldn’t respect them, I wouldn’t waste their time. A wife is expected to respect her husband.

I started to think of myself as a wife-in-training. I had read a devotional book where the woman writer referred to her students as “women-in-training” and I loved that idea! I’m big on apprentice type learning. Show me, direct me, and I pick up rather quickly. I think that actually learning from someone with real world experience is the absolute best. (Another reason I LOVE the movie “War Room” – if you haven’t seen it, DO IT.) I picked out the qualities that I needed to work on (like patience and not nagging) and started trying them out on my siblings. Siblings had taught me that I was low on the patience thing. (Truthfully, children have taught me that I’m still, constantly, and will be forever working on the patience thing.) I am a big sister who likes to not allow her little siblings to get in a situation she knows how to prevent, but I had to sit back and let them learn after only one warning. My Daddy boomed a deep-belly laugh when he asked 17-year-old me why I let my little sisters go out in white shirts (in Florida afternoon, Kissimmee = 10 minute torrential rainfall at precisely 3pm) and I replied with “I warned them, but I’m trying to learn how not to nag, so I only said it once.”

My focus was now on myself. I understood that I needed to be a better person for my siblings, parents, and my future family. This was just the beginning.

I was still feeling tremendous pressure from peer groups to “date” like my siblings. My study had led me to the belief that dating was a long series of pre-marital interviews. I had been to job and volunteer worker interviews. I knew that the most direct way to find out if a person was a good match for the job or position was to ask direct questions. At 16, I could no longer blame my daddy and say “my Dad won’t let me date until I’m 16” therefore I began being super direct by asking, “do you love Jesus?” About half of those who asked me out laughed in a scoffing manner and (since I was primarily around church groups) respond with, “I go to church.” My reply to that “puffy religious response” was equally “puffy religious” – “no thanks. I can only court after I’m 18.”

At this point, mid-17, I still had an excellent relationship with my Daddy. I would tell him when someone asked me out. Once he told me my standards were too high, that I was expecting perfection. My reply was, “I’m looking for someone at least as much in love with Jesus as I am; the man is supposed to be the spiritual head of the family.” I was super-focused on getting into UMR or FIT at this point (two engineering colleges I was chasing) and my Daddy was big on education which is why I believe he didn’t press the matter really. I told him I wasn’t planning on dating until I was ready to marry. That became a repeated line whenever I was teased by family or my sister’s friends. One guy I didn’t like approached me about “hooking up for fun” and I asked him if he was ready to raise a child. His entire friend group left me alone.

I had devised an entire pre-programmed set of responses to boys and now men because I had yet to be asked out by anyone I actually would have dated. There had only been two young men whom I watched and admired the character of since I was 16 and neither asked me out. I actually had deep discussions about Biblical issues with both of them and discovered more about “Biblical courtship” from the latter when I was 17.

I delved deeper into the idea of Biblical courtship with a book I stumbled upon just before I turned 18. “I Kissed Dating GoodBye” by Joshua Harris – I didn’t agree with all of the book, but there were many bits that helped me to understand the whole courtship thing.

I may have bent your ears too long in this epistle. Oops!

Ready for the biggest decision of my dating steps? Covering that next time…

Thank you for reading!

~Nancy Tart

Worthy of Love

You are worthy of love!

September 7, 2020

Worthy of Love

Did you know that even when you have blown everything, Jesus still loves you? The Bible says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Translate that into real life:

Even while we were still doing evil stuff that makes God sad, He held out the eternal salvation to us. This gift cost Him the blood of his only son, and He was okay with giving that to us as we were still doing things to make Him sad.

Often in our life we get told by our own mind, “you aren’t good enough.”

It goes something like this:

“See what mistake you just made, they won’t love you anymore because you did that.”

Then you get sad. You feel discouraged. You try to win their love. You know what is really sad? Most of the time, those inner voice thoughts are lying to you! The person you thought you “wronged” because you forgot something or didn’t remember to text this or called while they were at work or accidentally said that – um, they laughed it off or *SHOCK* didn’t even notice! They certainly don’t hate you for that slight.

Or like this:

“God can’t love you, you aren’t good enough – look what you just did!”

When we sin, God does feel sad. Like a parent whose child knows what they shouldn’t do but they do it anyway. Life choices have consequences. God doesn’t save us from all of the consequences of our choices just like a wise parent lets the child walk through the consequences they can handle. This is so we learn from our mistakes. But guess what. God still loves us! Just like we still love our children!

You know what the Bible says about inner thoughts that do not align with God’s Word? We are to think on good things (whatever is noble, just, of good report…) to retrain our mind to see things in God’s perspective. This is hard to practice sometimes.

I often judge myself too harshly. I can’t seem to find the right reset button. I end up digging myself further into sorrow by trying to reset. I need to learn to just abandon ship; jump off and give the whole ship and my rescue to God. Then the reset day would actually be better!

From simple such as “the day not going well” to life-changing such as “rejection letter from college.” All of those things in between – don’t allow failures to drag you down. Read and study – in history, most people fail before they rise. Those who give up on life never achieve what they want to achieve. You have to stand, look at the failure and let God move.

I try to fix it. How can I redo this so it isn’t a failure? That isn’t always the answer because sometimes that whatever-it-is just isn’t meant to work. God can redirect us and show us what we need to let go and what needs to move forward – and He’ll lead you toward the right path in order for you to apply yourself into something He wants you in!

I’ve learned it’s always best to let go and let God do it. But my mind always wants to fix everything. I can say “I know this” but it’s really hard to put the knowledge into practice sometimes. It gets harder when you feel there is no safe place for you. There is. God has given you places and people to be around that are working in His love – it may be a best friend or a family member or a co-worker.

Someone needs to tell you this: You are worthy of love! You are so worthy of love! The Creator of the Universe loves you! That is your building block. From that, all things grow and prosper. You are worthy.

Read this slowly with your name in the blank (and tell your mind to be quiet, no negative “buts” added on!): “__________ am loved by God. I am worthy of unconditional love just as I am.”

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Mother’s Day 2018

May 13, 2018

Mother’s Day 2018

20180321_121144.jpg

(Yes, that’s my crazy, fun, brood with their Dad! – the featured image is with me!)

Today is Mother’s Day.

I’m grateful for my mother; for all the guiding and love.

As an adult, I’ve come to see that a lot of mothers compare themselves to others: their mother, grandmother, aunt, or friends. Sometimes, we perceive that everyone else is way better at this mother job than we are.  But that’s not how God wants us to see ourselves.

God blessed you with your children.  (Or the children you impact, like your nieces, nephews, friend’s children – you are impacting them too!)

He wanted you to have them!  (Isn’t that humbling? Imagine giving your child to someone else, that’s what God did when He entrusted his child(ren) to you!)

He knows you and he knows them – He knew it would be a perfect match.   With His guidance, you can do this!

Instead of comparing myself and ending up thinking I’m super failing, I analyze myself and try to make my attitude, behavior, response-time, or self better (self-improvement!) for them.  I want to be a better mom; everyone is growing and no one is perfect.  But God gave your child(ren) to you, your job is to be their mom!

Enjoy this stage of life without cutting yourself down.  Instead, if you find yourself feeling that you aren’t as good as you want to be (everyone feels this at some times), encourage yourself to improve.  Your child(ren) need you to be just what you are: Mom.  And they love you! (Yes, even at the teen stage when they may not say it anymore!)

Thank you to my Moms, Grandmothers, Aunts, mentors, and friends: you’ve all helped and inspired me!

Smile, dance, play dolls, build blocks, race matchbox cars, bake cookies, sing silly songs, take funny pictures; do all the fun things that you sometimes push away because you’re busy.  These little memories live in your children forever.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Thanks for reading!

Type at you next time…

~Nancy Tart

 

Who You Are

July 28, 2017

Who You Are

As a teen, I decided never to “change myself” for others.  I watch people.  I watched many relationships in various stages during my teenage years and learned that I didn’t want to present myself as something I wasn’t.  It seemed that those who faked who they were had a hard time in their relationships.  You don’t have to pretend to love everything another person enjoys to “capture” them.  My mom didn’t have to bury herself in computer code to get my Daddy’s attention, she just does the bend and snap.

I analyzed the relationships of those whose love I admired.  They were the couples who had vowed til death do us part and meant it.  They enjoyed each other’s company in simple pleasures, like taking a walk, exploring a park, watching a movie, or eating a meal.  They built their relationship on trust and honesty.  They didn’t always do everything together.  They didn’t always have the same interests.  They did respect each other.  They loved each other.  They did life together.

I didn’t want a “catch” or “conquest.”  I wanted a best friend.  I wanted someone to grow up with, raise a family with, get old together with, and enjoy forever – I wanted someone to do life with.

I like to dress up (Heels, skirts, blouses and dresses) for church, work, and dinner.  I’m competitive.  If you want to play a game with me, I’m going to try to win!  I’m stubborn, so I won’t surrender.  I love to be outside.  If you ask what I want to do, surfing, tennis, bicycling, and swimming top the list.  I love worship.  I love to dance and be childish when I’m happy or feel free.  If I’m watching a sunrise on the beach, I am likely to start singing and twirling.  Bored on a bus or in a ride queue?  I’m probably singing some silly song with whatever child will sing along.  I am myself.  I wasn’t looking to change anyone else, so why would anyone want to change me?

That was my attitude; still is.

Truly it came down to self-worth.  I knew that God loved me so what else mattered?  My self-worth was in how God saw me.  I figured He died for me.  He must think I’m something good.  Out of love for Him, I’m constantly trying to improve myself, but not because He says I’m no good as I am.  (I am also a perfectionist, so yes, I’m always critically looking at myself and trying to self-improve – we tend to be hardest on ourselves.)  I especially want my girls to know that no matter what flaws they see in themselves, they are always loved by God.  (And by family, of course, but we are all human so putting your idea of self-worth in a person isn’t perfect.)

So think of who you are.  How do you see yourself?  Are you seeing yourself as the amazingly beautiful creation that Jesus loved so much He died and rose again so you can have life with Him forever?  You are a beloved child of God.

Today, my sense of self-worth is still in how God sees me.  This has helped me not to expect perfection from anyone except God.  (That seriously helps with all relationships!)

I have my husband, daughters, son, family, and friends to do life with.  We are loving every day of it!

Thanks for reading!

Type at you next time…

~Nancy Tart

Follow me!

Get my latest posts delivered to your email: