Tag: real love

Dating Decisions – Part 3

Dating Decisions Part 3: Discovering Real Life and True Love

September 20, 2020

Dating Decisions – Part 3

At this point in my story I am a few months into 16, realizing that my focus cannot be on someone else. Jesus is my answer, my hope, my truth, not some guy I will meet “eventually.” That brought more peace to my crazy teenage mind than any other decision I had made since choosing Jesus as my personal Savior.

I determined to stand on the principles of virtue that I wanted to find in my future mate. If I had high expectations, it stood to reason that he should as well.

I had already told God (when I was 12) that I would keep myself a perfect gift for my husband. I did some silly girlish stuff that I kept hidden – like write letters to my future husband as I was journaling. Several, actually most, of these letters were destroyed by inquisitive dogs and siblings long before I was 19. I understood purity to be in the mind, body, and heart. Of all the people I interviewed, none told me they wished they had “tried it out first” but almost every person who had “tried sex out” before marriage told me that they wished they hadn’t. Most of them cited trust issues after marriage as their reason. A few told me it made them feel less worthy or made their partner less desirable. Several did not marry the person they “tried out” with. My Daddy told me that once a boy makes a conquest, he thinks of the girl as dirty, trash, something to be discarded. He said that was why he never wanted to use anyone. He told me “men don’t use women but boys use girls.” The silver screen brought that to life in “Spencer’s Mountain” where they get the cow bred and Dad says to son something like: you aren’t a bull and your woman won’t be a cow. That image stuck with me. Stories about my Daddy’s friends, relatives in our extended family, and from my curious interview subjects led me to the understanding that if someone doesn’t respect your decisions in regard to your personal limits, they don’t truly respect you at all.

That led me to the decision that should I be dating someone and they choose to ignore or press my limits, I would back up and leave. Don’t respect me = deal breaker.

I also decided that I would give them just as much respect as I expected. That was something I already did because I was raised that way, but I made that mental decision and wrote it down just to solidify it. If I couldn’t respect them, I wouldn’t waste their time. A wife is expected to respect her husband.

I started to think of myself as a wife-in-training. I had read a devotional book where the woman writer referred to her students as “women-in-training” and I loved that idea! I’m big on apprentice type learning. Show me, direct me, and I pick up rather quickly. I think that actually learning from someone with real world experience is the absolute best. (Another reason I LOVE the movie “War Room” – if you haven’t seen it, DO IT.) I picked out the qualities that I needed to work on (like patience and not nagging) and started trying them out on my siblings. Siblings had taught me that I was low on the patience thing. (Truthfully, children have taught me that I’m still, constantly, and will be forever working on the patience thing.) I am a big sister who likes to not allow her little siblings to get in a situation she knows how to prevent, but I had to sit back and let them learn after only one warning. My Daddy boomed a deep-belly laugh when he asked 17-year-old me why I let my little sisters go out in white shirts (in Florida afternoon, Kissimmee = 10 minute torrential rainfall at precisely 3pm) and I replied with “I warned them, but I’m trying to learn how not to nag, so I only said it once.”

My focus was now on myself. I understood that I needed to be a better person for my siblings, parents, and my future family. This was just the beginning.

I was still feeling tremendous pressure from peer groups to “date” like my siblings. My study had led me to the belief that dating was a long series of pre-marital interviews. I had been to job and volunteer worker interviews. I knew that the most direct way to find out if a person was a good match for the job or position was to ask direct questions. At 16, I could no longer blame my daddy and say “my Dad won’t let me date until I’m 16” therefore I began being super direct by asking, “do you love Jesus?” About half of those who asked me out laughed in a scoffing manner and (since I was primarily around church groups) respond with, “I go to church.” My reply to that “puffy religious response” was equally “puffy religious” – “no thanks. I can only court after I’m 18.”

At this point, mid-17, I still had an excellent relationship with my Daddy. I would tell him when someone asked me out. Once he told me my standards were too high, that I was expecting perfection. My reply was, “I’m looking for someone at least as much in love with Jesus as I am; the man is supposed to be the spiritual head of the family.” I was super-focused on getting into UMR or FIT at this point (two engineering colleges I was chasing) and my Daddy was big on education which is why I believe he didn’t press the matter really. I told him I wasn’t planning on dating until I was ready to marry. That became a repeated line whenever I was teased by family or my sister’s friends. One guy I didn’t like approached me about “hooking up for fun” and I asked him if he was ready to raise a child. His entire friend group left me alone.

I had devised an entire pre-programmed set of responses to boys and now men because I had yet to be asked out by anyone I actually would have dated. There had only been two young men whom I watched and admired the character of since I was 16 and neither asked me out. I actually had deep discussions about Biblical issues with both of them and discovered more about “Biblical courtship” from the latter when I was 17.

I delved deeper into the idea of Biblical courtship with a book I stumbled upon just before I turned 18. “I Kissed Dating GoodBye” by Joshua Harris – I didn’t agree with all of the book, but there were many bits that helped me to understand the whole courtship thing.

I may have bent your ears too long in this epistle. Oops!

Ready for the biggest decision of my dating steps? Covering that next time…

Thank you for reading!

~Nancy Tart

Worthy of Love

You are worthy of love!

September 7, 2020

Worthy of Love

Did you know that even when you have blown everything, Jesus still loves you? The Bible says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Translate that into real life:

Even while we were still doing evil stuff that makes God sad, He held out the eternal salvation to us. This gift cost Him the blood of his only son, and He was okay with giving that to us as we were still doing things to make Him sad.

Often in our life we get told by our own mind, “you aren’t good enough.”

It goes something like this:

“See what mistake you just made, they won’t love you anymore because you did that.”

Then you get sad. You feel discouraged. You try to win their love. You know what is really sad? Most of the time, those inner voice thoughts are lying to you! The person you thought you “wronged” because you forgot something or didn’t remember to text this or called while they were at work or accidentally said that – um, they laughed it off or *SHOCK* didn’t even notice! They certainly don’t hate you for that slight.

Or like this:

“God can’t love you, you aren’t good enough – look what you just did!”

When we sin, God does feel sad. Like a parent whose child knows what they shouldn’t do but they do it anyway. Life choices have consequences. God doesn’t save us from all of the consequences of our choices just like a wise parent lets the child walk through the consequences they can handle. This is so we learn from our mistakes. But guess what. God still loves us! Just like we still love our children!

You know what the Bible says about inner thoughts that do not align with God’s Word? We are to think on good things (whatever is noble, just, of good report…) to retrain our mind to see things in God’s perspective. This is hard to practice sometimes.

I often judge myself too harshly. I can’t seem to find the right reset button. I end up digging myself further into sorrow by trying to reset. I need to learn to just abandon ship; jump off and give the whole ship and my rescue to God. Then the reset day would actually be better!

From simple such as “the day not going well” to life-changing such as “rejection letter from college.” All of those things in between – don’t allow failures to drag you down. Read and study – in history, most people fail before they rise. Those who give up on life never achieve what they want to achieve. You have to stand, look at the failure and let God move.

I try to fix it. How can I redo this so it isn’t a failure? That isn’t always the answer because sometimes that whatever-it-is just isn’t meant to work. God can redirect us and show us what we need to let go and what needs to move forward – and He’ll lead you toward the right path in order for you to apply yourself into something He wants you in!

I’ve learned it’s always best to let go and let God do it. But my mind always wants to fix everything. I can say “I know this” but it’s really hard to put the knowledge into practice sometimes. It gets harder when you feel there is no safe place for you. There is. God has given you places and people to be around that are working in His love – it may be a best friend or a family member or a co-worker.

Someone needs to tell you this: You are worthy of love! You are so worthy of love! The Creator of the Universe loves you! That is your building block. From that, all things grow and prosper. You are worthy.

Read this slowly with your name in the blank (and tell your mind to be quiet, no negative “buts” added on!): “__________ am loved by God. I am worthy of unconditional love just as I am.”

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

What is Praiseworthy?

April 26, 2020

What is Praiseworthy?

I heard a bit from a youtube radio (do you call them radio guys if they have a channel?) that matched quite nicely with the Bible reading I had today and the actual radio show I listened to on the way to work this morning.

He was discussing how a woman, identified as “Brooke,” a “mother of four,” put a beautiful online post on social media about how she loves her family and puts them first and serves them sacrificially (she said she makes sure lunches and packed, home is clean, and gets up to make her husband breakfast and sometimes goes to bed at 9 and sometimes goes to bed at midnight). I was smiling as I listened. I love my family that way.

But he went on about how some tv show (I don’t watch tv) mocked her post and belittled her husband as a lazy bum without even knowing either of them! They attacked her for being a slave. They said she was betraying all those who had fought for equality…

That made me sad.

Then that made me mad.

You see, I love my family. I serve them sacrificially. Yes, I know I have to take care of my health and body so I can serve them. In this phase our family is in, I happen to be working outside of the home. I serve them because I love them. I go to work because I want to help support them and I love them.

I want Louis to rest his back, let it fully heal so he doesn’t continue to live in constant pain. Since the guy rear-ended him, he’s been in constant pain, I can’t imagine that. He loves us and wants to serve us so he works at anything possible right now – he has always been the primary provider. This past year it was me; different seasons, one goal. One family.

When I do something out of love, I am doing it completely! I’m serving the best I can! Christina’s dish day but she’s busy with school? Yes, I’ll do “her day” so she can study or take her test – I love her and want the best for her. Becky feels lonely and frustrated and overwhelmed and doesn’t see any reason for keeping grades or college or a career? I suggest she go “hang out” with her special friend who will help encourage her and teach her about life and give excellent advice while playing some crazy video game. I love her. I want the best for her and sometimes advice has to come from someone other than Mom and Dad. Yes, I used to not go to bed until it was clean – now I’m up early, but some of my girls like to stay up late and Louis comes in very late sometimes, so the dynamic is the house is clean at 7 or 8 but they will reclean well afterward. We serve each other.

Louis wakes at 3:30am to make doughnuts for breakfast because I had to leave at 6:30 that day. When I come in and make lunch at 10am (2 hours 4 days a week + long Friday right now), I ask everyone else if they want some too and I’ll cook for more than just me. Christina, Becky, Kimberly, or Jaquline sometimes decide to make dinner or supper and they cook for everyone. We all serve with love.

Do all things as if you are serving Jesus. That motto I paraphrased from a Bible verse sometime in my preteen years and it has become something I remind myself of all the time. When there’s anything that needs to be cleaned or fixed or folded or washed I remind myself of that – I’m working to serve Jesus. I serve always out of love for those I serve. When I make food or visit a friend or help someone by cleaning or tutoring or fixing their fence, I’m serving you because I love you.

In today’s society, I guess I was “betraying females” when I would start second breakfast for Louis at almost lunch time, make sure his white uniform shirts were washed and spotless, starched and ironed, and waiting for him. On cold mornings (that house didn’t have heat) I’d time the drying of towels so he could have a warm one and I’d take it to him. I’d even make sure his shoes were polished. I served because I loved him.

I also understood that his working was his service to us. Our family serves each other because we love each other.

Tables shifted, turned, flipped, and rotated over the years, but we’re still serving each other and loving each other. We both take turns doing different things to serve the other. I don’t see anything wrong with that!

The youtube radio guy said he remembered his mother serving his sisters, his father, and him out of love. She was always doing special things, teaching them, and spending time with them. He said what could be better than having four adoring souls who return your love and esteem you as the best human on the planet? Does the hand that rocks the cradle rule the world? (I think he was trying to be funny) He said he praises this Brooke and is sure that her husband and children feel extremely blessed to be the objects of her service and affection. So do I!

Some people are like us. Some people love to serve. Some women are happiest being good wives and mothers. Some women could care less about a job as anything more than a vehicle to bring sustenance to their family; they don’t want to be the CEO or Mega Manager. They want to raise their children. They want to serve their family. They want to serve others around them.

Want to know a secret? These serving women are usually extremely loyal to a job they have because they see their work as a service to Jesus as well – they believe that they are serving their boss and coworkers through their job. Yes, corny, I know, but (also yes!) that is how I feel. I have to view my job as something I am doing for Jesus otherwise I would be super depressed about being away from my family.

Anyway… long long blog. If you got this far, cool!

Why does our commercially driven world think it’s okay to mock and bully a woman who chooses to serve others in lieu of climbing a corporate ladder striving for power and wealth? Fourth and fifth words. Commercially driven. Everything is about power and wealth. The world can’t control people who are driven by love and service. The world can’t understand the pure joy and fulfillment we get when we watch someone we love accomplish something. When the world is falling down around their shoulders and they open their brown lunch bag to find a little smiley note or that their sandwich is cut into triangles like they prefer it, they see love. They know someone loves them. The world doesn’t understand this because there is no price tag.

He ended by telling “Brooke” to keep it up! I say to all the Brookes out there, keep serving, keep loving. Don’t let the world’s judgement stop you from doing what you know you should be doing. If that’s running the 2nd largest corporation on the planet or packing your kids’ lunches, if you are serving a congregation of 500 or you are cleaning cherrios and duplos off the floor, if you are taxiing people around to make ends meet or you are the “soccer bus” mom stopping at four houses on your way to practice; whatever way you serve, keep honoring those you love.

My Bible reading was all about service with love rather than service as a duty. Don’t serve for others’ approval, that leads to disappointment. But serving out of love leads to fulfillment. This I know. God created us different, men are told to love their wives and women to serve their husbands – in reality, don’t two people who love each other serve each other all the time? God knows that men and women are wired differently hence the different words being used. He is warning men not to stop showing love to their wives and women not to stop serving their husbands. A woman who feels loved will be more willing to serve and a man being served is more willing to love. Like different love languages; you have to discover yours and that of those you love. Because we are different our style of service will be different, but we still hear the other saying “I love you” with their service to us.

In what way do you serve? Check your heart. Serve out of love without concern for any accolades. This will be our witness; our love!

Thanks for reading.

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Dropping In

Lack of my technological connection device led to some deep thought… and a fun visit!

October 29, 2018

Dropping In

I think we’ve all become too preoccupied with technology in many ways.  It invades our lives and sometimes, rather than bringing us closer together (as it was originally meant to do) it appears to spread us farther apart.

Does anyone else remember being a kid and just dropping over to your friend’s house, knocking on the door and asking whatever adult came “may so-and-so come play?”  Today’s youth have their parents text or call said person.  (Or they call/text if they have a phone.)

We’ve lost the connectivity of just dropping in.

I ended up without my phone the other night (had given it to Becky because the house she was babysitting at didn’t have a land line) and wanted to go visit with a friend.

Heavens to Betsy!  I couldn’t text or call her!  (We don’t have a land line phone either – and it wouldn’t have helped me if we did as I saved her number in my phone!)

Could I just stop over?  Drop in?  Did people even do that?  Isn’t that considered rude?

While digesting these thoughts, I realized God was still nudging me to go visit (God had put her on my heart when I was on my way to work – and yes, with no phone) regardless of my lack of ability to warn her of our approach.  (Yes, we are like being descended upon by a flock of chattering geese; all six of us this time because Becky was babysitting and Louis was working.)

As I drove the few miles to her house, my mental debate continued:  I am the type of person who loves to visit with people – they can drop in any time I’m home as long as they don’t mind the almost constant state of dishevel in my home.  We live in it, and unless you catch it on Saturday in the first hour after deep cleaning or after 9pm on a regular night, my house will have sporadic hair on the floor from shedding people and pets, a few cups loitering on the table and counter, dishes in the sink, clean clothes either in a bucket or half-folded on the couch, books and art materials on the dining room table, and toys that aren’t always in the toy room.  But my family lives in my house.  So if you come unannounced, expect it to look lived-in.  If you show up on a planned visit, it will likely be “company clean” (aka, we just scurried around like frightened chipmunks to make it as presentable as possible considering the time of day).  I reasoned that I would just pop by before unloading everyone and if they were busy, if she was resting (she gets precious little sleep), or they weren’t up for company, we’d just deliver the job-related news and enjoy the drive back home.

She was excited we had come!  (Surprise!  I knew we were sisters!)  We unloaded and spent a few hours chatting, playing, and enjoying each others’ company.  We actually talked about this very thing.  She remembered people dropping by her parents’ home almost every day when she was growing up.  They would bring a pie or dish, join for lunch or supper, and enjoy a visit or the rest of the day together.

I dropped by on Grandma Jeanette at least once a week; I knew her schedule and knew she would enjoy the visit.

But with everyone else I’ve felt like everything has to be planned.  It feels impolite to just drop by and bring a gift or deliver some news in person rather than over the digital airwaves.

God knows our hearts.  He knew I would really go and knew my friend wanted some adult conversation (who am I kidding? so did I), it was part of His plan that we fellowship together and encourage each other.

We, as people, need that.

We, as Christians, need that.

We were not made to live in isolation.  Our overly busy world with unrealistic expectations tried to shove aside our human need for simple fellowship – time spent together without an agenda.  Just quality time invested in each other.  Dropping in and feeling comfortable in each others’ spaces.  This is when we do not judge each other by the state of one another’s home but choose to invest in the state of one another’s hearts.  Yes, most of my events with other people will still likely be planned, but I no longer feel restricted to just planned meetings!

I am so thankful for friends that are my sisters.  (Or sisters who are best friends!)  Those who I don’t feel obligated to race around and worry about what they will think of the shoes that didn’t make it to the shoe shelf or the train track loaded with every rolling vehicle we own running from the playroom down the hallway into the living room or the dishes that someone is currently washing.  I am thankful for the freedom to be me around them.  I love being real.  I love feeling accepted as me.  I enjoy learning from those around me.

Thank you, Jesus, for true friends!

Thanks for reading!

Type at you next time…

~Nancy Tart

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