Tag: truth

As Happy As your Least Happy Child

As Happy As your Least Happy Child

A time-warp story from June 21, 2023

At church I heard something that made me laugh and shake my head.  The laugh was total irony.  It was a stab of truth.  “You are only as happy as your least happy child, and if you have a quiver full, sometimes you may be both happy and sad at the same time.” 

I laughed inside because the three days before this Sunday and that particular morning, I had been feeling stabbed repeatedly by three teenagers.  Periodically the younger ones would take turns deciding to pretend to be just like them and that was not encouraging.  

I wondered about that saying.  When the girls wound my heart with unthinking words or “mean” things, I have to remind myself of something I learned a while back that helps: people tend to show their innermost feelings like aggression, anger, desperation, irritation in a place they feel safe because humans in their deepest parts fear rejection.  When they know you won’t reject them or stop loving them, they feel safe and as such, end up showing their “worst side” to you.  

I understand that their sharp words or actions are reflecting something hurting them.  I will often try to find that something; usually not at that time as experience has taught me that when I say, “are you okay?” or “what’s bothering you?” when they are upset, I usually get a snapped, “nothing!” or “you!” which doesn’t help.  I’ll often try to broach the “what is hurting you?” question in a less explosive time.  Sometimes, it’s something small that felt huge at the time.  Other times it’s something that needs more discussion.  

But always, when I they hurt my heart with words, I pray for theirs and now remember something else: it is true that my smile can be on for Thea and I’m happily talking about her make believe lego world while we build our respective houses but my heart is sad because I know the “snap” was really something hurting their heart.  So yes, there’s a part of my heart that is always feeling the hurt from my least happy child even though another part is engaging with smiles at another – sometimes there’s four or five of us in a game yet one’s hurting; I totally feel those “both feelings at the same time.”   

I wondered about God and how we hurt his heart yet He always loves us.  He knows when we are hurting but unlike mothers and fathers, who don’t always know what is in the heart of their child, God knows our heart and sees everything within us.  Thank you, God, for loving us!  Thank you for giving us a heart for our children!  

Thank you for reading.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

What Fantastic Thing Are You Expecting In 2023?

I heard talk show hosts on the radio ask each other, “what fantastic thing are you expecting in 2023?”
Instantly, my mind says…

(Delayed Publish: Written January 3, 2023)

What Fantastic Thing Are You Expecting In 2023?

It’s the start of a new year!  

I heard talk show hosts on the radio ask each other, “what fantastic thing are you expecting in 2023?”  

Instantly, my mind says, “obtaining property we can build our home on.” 

Other things follow quickly: An exciting competition season for my two gymnasts (their first meet is Jan 13!), Christina’s graduation at the end of the year with her Bachelor’s from Embry, an edifying college year for Becky at PCC, Kimberly conquering her fear of tests, Jaquline turning 13 and getting her first debit card, Lucas learning to read, having chickens again, growing our own food again, getting a cover made for and publishing my CheyneAnne story, getting illustrations for the childrens’ books I’ve written… my mind just kept going with things I consider fantastic and am super excited for.  

My prayer is that this year is one of spiritual growth for my children as we make fun memories.  

I want my focus to be eternal rather than temporal.  

I completed Kimberly’s journal just before Christmas and gave it to her.  I hope that little book is full of treasures for her.  I pray over each page I write that God will direct my mind and hands to pen just what will be important or reaching for the heart of the daughter I’m writing the journal for.  

I am expecting miracles in our everyday lives.  God always gives them.  Fresh breath and lungs that work.  Beautiful painted sunrises and sunsets.  Have you ever thought of how much a miracle it is that we can see?  I’m overwhelmed by the everyday miracles that grace our lives.  

What fantastic thing am I expecting?  Life.  Full, abundant life as God has blessed us with!  Love.  Family.  Enjoyable times.  Memorable Moments.  A careful listening heart with which to catch the amazing wonder of these miracles and enjoy them as they happen.  

I’m praying for a heart of gratitude more than ever before.  I plan to focus on being grateful.  That should totally help my perspective!

What fantastic thing are you expecting in 2023?

Think about it… and Smile!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Mary Did Know, Do You?

Sometimes I may think too deep
#2022 #Family #HistoricalThoughts #DidMaryKnow #DidMarysMotherKnow #RaisingGodsKids #ChildrenAreAnHeritageFromTheLord #Psalm127_3 #SpeakLife #ChooseTruth #TheyAreWatchingYou #MotherhoodIsAnHonor #FatherhoodIsAnHonor #Reward #Gift #Blessing #Love #ShePonderedInHerHeart

December 31, 2022

Mary Did Know, Do You?

I read a post today that said “Mary may have known, but her mother did not.”  

That hit me.  We sing the song “Mary Did You Know” which I love, but always mentally I remind myself that the Bible tells us “Mary pondered these things in her heart” regarding the Angel’s visit, the visits of the shepherds, magi, the Angel’s message for them to flee, even the time when they lost Jesus in the temple.  She was constantly pondering.  Considering, probably praying, “God, direct me.”  She knew what responsibility God had given her.  

But her mother?  Mary was favored by God.  Her mother must have brought her up in the wisdom and admonition of the Lord.  The whole post was about this – Mary did know, her mother did not.

Don’t we all know?  I mean, not that every one of us carries Jesus or looks as the Creator of the World in our arms and ponders it in our hearts… but each of us who are mothers have carried at least one little child – don’t they all belong to God?  

I remember looking at my firstborn: tiny, beautiful face and long eyelashes, strong little fingers with a tremendous grip, perfect tiny toes, I drank in every little detail of her sweet, fragile body.  We prayed over her because we knew she belonged to God.  Even her name was a promise from us; Christina Elizabeth means “Believer in Christ, Servant of God,” it was our promise that we would do our best with the few years God gave her to us.  

Each little one afterward I’ve felt the same utter joy and overwhelming responsibility.  They are God’s kids, not mine.  I get the honor of mothering them and we get to raise them; pointing them in the right direction.  Our prayer is that they take on the responsibility for their relationship themselves and continue to grow in grace and love.  

Mary did know what honor God had given her.  Mary’s mother knew only that she was raising a daughter of Israel, a girl who would become a woman.  I imagine that all mothers whispered in their hearts to their daughters before Christ’s birth, “live true, child, it may be you through whom the God of our Fathers chooses to bring the Saviour of the World.”  I imagine that Mary’s mother’s mother whispered the same thing to her.  They lived in the wonder of hope and faith.  They believed in the future reality and each prayed she would be the girl given the honor; each woman didn’t know if their daughter may be the one chosen by God, but they chose to raise their daughters to be wives and mothers to honor God.  

They heard or read as we still do, “Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” ~Psalm 127:3  Children are a blessing, a reward, a gift God gives us to give back to Him. 

No, we do not know what plans God has for our children, but we can pray for their path and lead them to an understanding of God’s love.  We are all entrusted with raising our children for a time, but they all truly belong to God.  

Thank you, Jesus, for the honor of motherhood!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Turtles In The Kitchen

December 3, 2022

Turtles in the Kitchen


It had been one of those days.  You know, when you begin to question everything, your brain shouts accusing bits at you and highlights every choice you’ve made since infancy, and your biggest challenge is to find something joyful to think on or something to be grateful for.  

Jillian, Lucas, and Thea to the rescue!

“Mom! Where is Jillian?” cries Thea with a giggle.

“I’m a green turtle!” days Jillian’s muffled voice from under the green bin.  

A simple little rubbermaid bin.  It started life in our house about 14 or 15 years ago as a toy-bin because someone gave it to us with junk in it, a broken handle, and no top.  We sanded the broken plastic and put big toys in it.  At this location (smaller house, so smaller toy room and no space for it), it is our pantry dump bin; usually it contains baggies, extras that need a box like soaps, random cables, an occasional box that’s too big for the shelf, etc.  Since Halloween, it had been used to set everyone’s separate candy/treat buckets inside and had been atop the refrigerator.  This morning I had moved it to the floor with the intention of wiping it out and putting it back in the pantry. 

Instead, it ended up being a turtle shell over Jillian!  

Lucas and Thea were laughing so hard, “look, you can’t see her toes!”  and “Mom!  Jillian’s a turtle with a hard shell!”  And Lucas banged drums on the shell. 

Grandma has a red plastic bin she had just emptied that normally has decorations in it.  

“Mom!” I hear a scream-yell from the kitchen.  

“Look!” Yells Thea as she pulls the red bin over her head, “two turtles!” 

“Two turtles!” Yells Lucas from the other, (Jillian is guiding Thea Turtle around so she doesn’t hit anything as she race-crawls around the kitchen)

Where are they?
Red is Thea
Green is Lucas

I smile at so much fun from imagination and two silly plastic bins.  Thank you God, for imagination!  Thank you God, that you know my heart and send these little angels to make me remember that I just need simplicity to smile.  My mood shifted from fighting my accusing brain to enjoying my children’s joy.  He uses the simple to confound the wise.  In the still small voice.  All of Creation shouts His praise.  A child shall lead them.  All these sayings pound in my brain to drown out the accusations.  

And now the turtles are a “turtle sandwich” to which one of my teenagers said, “mom, that’s something else” and giggled. (Someone has been reading their Biology book.)

Three turtles to the rescue!

Sometimes it’s a pretend turtle in the kitchen that can bring you joy!  Thank you, God, for the blessings you have given us!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you next time!

~Nancy Tart

God Knows You

This week in Sunday School, our children are focusing on “God Speaks.” One of the wonder truths in our curriculum is basically that God knows you! God knows every person, He knit them together (No one is an accident!), He knows everything about their hearts, minds, and souls (Every single hair is numbered!), and He loves each of us just as we are (All of God’s Creation is beautiful!). …and enter a favorite story that taught me about that truth…

November 7, 2022

God Knows You


This week in Sunday School, our children are focusing on “God Speaks.”  One of the wonder truths in our curriculum is basically that God knows you!  God knows every person, He knit them together (No one is an accident!), He knows everything about their hearts, minds, and souls (Every single hair is numbered!), and He loves each of us just as we are (All of God’s Creation is beautiful!).  

This love is perfect and unconditional.  

One of the stories that hit my heart as a child was that of a little Irish girl who prayed every day for blue eyes.  Her family had blue eyes and she wanted lovely blue eyes!  She considered her brown eyes dull and plain.  This story caught my 5-year-old heart because I had blue eyes and loved the way God made me, but I thought the most beautiful eyes in the world were those that looked like warm chocolate drops – honey brown.  Though I’d never prayed for different eyes, hair, or other features, I understood thinking that a feature of my body was plain and thinking someone else had the most beautiful.

Every night she would pray for blue eyes and when she looked in the mirror she would be sad because she still had brown eyes.  Her mother told her that God had a plan for her lovely brown eyes.  One day the girl grew up.  She decided to be a missionary and was sent to India.  

The people of India distrusted the white-skinned, blue-and-green eyed people who spoke of only one God who loved.  The unknowns often scare people.  The young woman’s missionary group wanted to enter a temple in India to find out if the horrible stories of little girls being sold to the temples was true.  But they were never allowed in; even when they tried to disguise themselves – always their bright blue or green eyes gave them away as strangers.  

But this young missionary had brown eyes!  She dyed her skin with coffee, dyed her hair to be dark brown, and dressed as the local people.  They let her into the temple!  Her brown eyes did the trick!  There she prayed “thank you, God, for making my beautiful brown eyes!” 

This young woman was Amy Carmichael, later known by the temple slave girls as “Amma” or Mother.  Her lifelong ministry, the rescue of thousands of young girls, would never have been possible had she had blue eyes!  God knew what plans he had for her.  

Just as God knew Amy and the plans He had for her, He knows the plans He has for you, for me.  

I am a planner; I always have a range of plans for the day, the week, the year, twenty years, etc, but I’ve learned that God knows me better than I know myself and though I may make and try to follow my plans, I always have to leave room for God to change them!  

Just a wonderful thought to think upon this week ~ God knows you.  God loves you!  What does it take from you?  You just have to choose to follow Him.  (My Daddy used to say, “and that’s the simple to confound the wise.”) 

Thank you for Reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Encouragers: The Challenger of Norms

Encouragers: The Challenger of Norms

October 6, 2022

I’m praying for her family.  I’m praying for strength, wisdom, and peace in her heart.  This woman is the Challenger of Norms.  She has encouraged me over many years.  When my daughters ask if I have a best friend, this woman comes to mind.  She has allowed me to speak openly.  We can talk honestly with each other about our respective challenges, joys, disappointments, fears, mountain highs, and valley lows without judging each other. 

She was the friend who taught me it was safe to be vulnerable to another adult (other than my husband).  She taught me I can be real about the challenges I face with the life I chose.  Often we feel trapped in the life we chose, especially if our choice is considered “unconventional” or “unrealistic” in today’s world.  This is because the world tries to isolate us into tiny corners.  Public schooled here.  Homeschooled there.Medical challenges in your children here.Healthy children there.Stay-at-home-moms here.Working moms there.Struggling business owner families here.Lower class, middle class, upper middle class, lower middle class… Etc. Society tries to put us all into tiny boxes and keep us isolated there. 

This was not how God intended!  We are intended to work together!  Younger are to learn from elders, we are to speak truth and encouragement into the lives of others, we are to build each other up and edify.  You can’t do that if you feel trapped into silence because someone’s response to you saying you feel stressed, please pray for me ends up being “you shouldn’t have done xyz” instead of just saying “yes” or praying right there.  I always heard “your troubles are just because you have too many kids” – um… no.  Our financial troubles came from poor decisions (paying off credit cards instead of house), medical unknowns (my crazy hospital issue), or issues beyond our control (losing jobs due to forced government shutdown debacle, someone using a car without permission and wrecking two others, someone rear-ending and totaling a car that is too old for us to get a replacement, etc)

The Challenger of Norms taught me to embrace the life I chose and enjoy each stage of it unapologetically.  I have taken that to heart.  She has managed to keep joy and purpose even in the face of debilitating medical issues facing her precious children.  Once I mentioned how I felt bad speaking about how I was challenged when she faces so much.  She told me only she walks her journey just as only I walk mine.  That I’ve heard in my heart for over a decade.  I have to lean on others who are choosing joy in order to encourage me to choose joy in my challenges. 

We can discuss homeschooling options and challenges without comparing our children one to another because both of us understand that each child has their own unique challenges and strengths.  We can discuss our challenges and encourage each other in mothering without judging.  We can share our challenges and strengths in our respective marriages and understand that neither of us are alone in our respective struggles.  We can boast on our men and laugh at their craziness and somehow that actually makes me feel more thankful for the blessings we both have. 

She taught me that dropping in unannounced was totally acceptable for friends.  We could show up at each others’ homes and just jump into whatever was going on – from parties to cleaning to pool parties to bonfires to just chatting about everything while our toddlers to teens entertain each other and our babies fall asleep.  My home is now always open and I don’t really care what it looks like (Louis and the girls generally keep it in “mostly acceptable” condition anyway).  We have games and fun every Sunday as that is officially our “family day” that we try to keep open.  I hope to build relationships with my children, their friends, and families of their friends so that friends and family feel comfortable just showing up at my house if they ever need it or want it.

What I really learned from my friend is to live life as I want to, as God leads me, and let everyone else think and say whatever they want without really caring.  Oh, I listen, but when it’s something that directly challenges the lifestyle God has given me – my amazing husband, our wonderful children, our happy amazing life – I smile, nod politely, and let it in one ear and out the other.  I am who I am. 

Sometimes we just need someone to affirm we are human just like everyone else and someone who will tell us the truth while allowing us to speak our emotions openly.  We know the truth.  I am loved.  I am chosen.  I am blessed!  Sometimes we need to speak our emotions out loud to get them in line with our truths – and that, it when we find out where true friends are.  Those who listen, agree they are human just like we are, and speak encouragement into our lives.

I am so thankful that God allowed me to overcome my insane fear of talking to adults just in time to make an amazing friend who, together with her awesome family, has blessed me and my family in more ways than I can possibly ever list. 

Be that friend to someone today.  Listen.  Be human.  Speak truth in love.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Hold Longer

August 17, 2021

Hold Longer

A song came on the radio today. It was the first time I heard it. Casting Crowns’ song called “Scars In Heaven” played while I was on the way to after school pickup.

The first line says “…if I had known it was the last time…”

I almost cried. I prayed, “thank you, Jesus,” because the last time I saw my Daddy on Earth I did “know.” It was a nudge, a distant feeling I almost tried to brush aside in disgust.

Of course this isn’t the last time I’ll talk with Daddy, I told myself.

But I listened to the nudge. I’m forever thankful for that nudge.

I waited until I would be almost late to pick Christina up from the library (it was going to close). I hugged him tighter than normal. I did just what the singer of the song is lamenting he didn’t do. I have always tried to listen to that tiny nudge of a voice that usually is right in the back of my head. My mind usually tries to argue with it. Like then. I tried to brush that feeling away because even though my Daddy’s health wasn’t great, I didn’t want to believe I would ever walk in and not find him sitting there, ready for long talks, vibrant discussions, and heartfelt conversations.

I heard the singer’s heart hurt as he sang of how if he’d known, he would have held on longer, hugged tighter, talked longer… But we never really know.

God tells us no man knows the hour or day of his own passing.

My father and baby sister are in heaven. My baby never met her Boompa. I didn’t really cry or grieve for them. They were both prepared for death. Both loved Jesus and are now in His presence. I can’t logically cry for them. (I’m way too logical over deep things but I find it’s the silly little stuff that makes me cry.) I wasn’t ready for either of them to go. Just like we are often not ready to die, we are also never ready for a loved one to die.

My Daddy gave me a special gift long ago… He had grown up without his mother (she died when he was 12) and when we were living in Sylvania and had a friend with cancer, he once said, “enjoy every day, you never know when Erica will go home.”

So true. I couldn’t even cry for her. She loved Jesus and let everyone know how excited she was about getting to see Him.

That life lesson has stayed with me. I never don’t say bye or I love you. I leave them with a smile. I don’t ever want someone’s last thought of me or my last thought of them to be bitter. I live as if each time I leave someone it may be the last time I see them. Not that I’m reckless or clingy, but I’m open, honest, and speak the truth about my love for them.

I never want someone to regret their last meeting with me.

I always listen to that nudge. I’m so grateful for God’s warning I got that afternoon… For the happy call from Charley in Mom’s kitchen six months later with Mom & Mary when I brought Christina to loan her some deposit money… For the happy memories of talking a bit longer, hugging a bit tighter, saying “I love you” before I left.

Always hold a bit tighter, hug a little stronger, chat a bit longer; always say “I love you.”

I hope you listen to that song. I pray you always remember to love while you have the time.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Be Grateful

Resetting my perception focusing on having an attitude of gratitude!

April 28, 2021

Be Grateful

When I hear those words, an old cartoon comes to mind where a woman tells an orphan, “and be grateful too!” after pulling her around by her scarf. The girl waits until the woman is gone and shouts, “I am grateful; grateful to get away!” Even though that is a bit silly, my mind uses that to remind me that in all things I can find something for which to be grateful.

Sometimes when I try to pep talk myself through what is weighing me down, I hear a whisper say gently, “be grateful, this is a gift.” But my mind yells back, “be grateful? What can be good from this?”

Modifying our perception is how we teach ourselves to always find something which deserves our thanks.

I tend to start with things that ground me. Mentally, it goes like this:

I am thankful for air to breathe,

clean water to drink,

healthy food to eat,

a sturdy roof over my head,

my family, friends, pets,

a job I love and a Christian boss,

a church my children love and that makes me feel at home,

salvation and the hope of eternity with Jesus forever…

Then the list goes on and with those, I realize the setback, problem, or whatever reason for previous sadness isn’t really that important.

I have to shift my perception back to true reality. I have to ground myself back to what is truly important. My happiness is not based on my circumstances, but on my hope in Jesus. God has gifted me an amazing life and I plan to enjoy every moment of it as best I can!

An attitude of gratitude… That is what I say and what I mean!

I’m so grateful for every breath I take! Jesus, thank you for life!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

I’m Fine (Don’t Go Deep)

March 13, 2021

I’m Fine (don’t go deep)

You know, someone says politely, “How are you today?”

Preprogrammed for courtesy, we reply automatically, “I’m fine.”

But are you really “fine?”

Or does that really mean, “I’m hurting, but don’t ask?”

In our society, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of pretending we are okay.  Of pretending there is nothing behind our mask distorting our inner soul or crushing our heart or making rivers of silent tears run.  We bottle up the true emotions we are feeling and hide them safely where no one can touch them. 

Where no one can judge us.

Where no one can think we are imperfect.

Why do we want to appear perfect?  Why is it not okay to show vulnerability?  Why is a parenting question suddenly turned into an accusation that we are not fit to be a parent?  Why is a question about how to handle an emotion turned into an accusation that we are depressed?  Why must we instantly judge others instead of allow them to safely talk through their emotions?  Can’t we all admit that sometimes we are angry? Irritated with a coworker? Disappointed with a child? Frustrated by a situation? Unsure about feelings?  Can’t we all admit that we are not perfect?

When we comprehend the full meaning of the word “Forgiveness” we can choose not to judge others or ourselves. 

Forgiveness is love.

Forgiveness understands that we listen and let it go.  Forgiveness understands we are all imperfect. Forgiveness doesn’t consistently remind a person of a previous failing.  Forgiveness is not holding a grudge. Forgiveness doesn’t gossip. When you find someone who truly understands forgiveness, treasure that true friend!  Strive to be that friend yourself.

I process emotion by writing because I can’t always be talking with someone who will just listen.  I’d love for there to be a portal like in Star Trek where I can say, “beam me to” and instantly be at my best friend’s house so we can discuss mutual struggles and listen to each others’ individual issues without judging. 

I understand forgiveness. She understands forgiveness.  We both understand that sometimes just admitting to another human that we are human is enough to help us work through our challenges.  This I think is the essence of the verse where it says “iron sharpening iron;” we are to listen, encourage, and edify.  We are to speak the truth in love.  We are to listen with love.  My Daddy used to say, “God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wants us to listen more than we speak.”  I still twist back to “To Kill a Mockingbird” and Atticus telling Scout that in order to understand a man you have to listen well, put on his shoes, wiggle your toes around, and walk a ways with him. 

Listen.

Don’t judge.

Be quick to forgive and slow to wrath.

When I feel overwhelmed, I pray.  I sometimes wish I could just talk to an understanding friend.  I don’t like facades.  I don’t like pretending I’m okay.  Yes, I understand that God is in control and that everything will turn out in a way to glorify Him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to ask rhetorical questions that I already have answers to just to help my brain process the thoughts or emotions within.  My feelings are real.  They are valid.  I know how to make my mind calm and to cast all my worries on Jesus.  My desire to discuss my emotions with another honest human is not agreeing that I don’t trust; it’s admitting that I’m human and don’t want the festering hidden thoughts to poison my mind. 

In my Devonians world, the adults talk as if they have no fear of each other.  They ask questions and advice of each other.  They admit to fault.  They don’t pretend to know everything.  They act the way I feel.  They are the epitome of what I imagine we were made to be.  Honest humans who discuss feelings and help each other.  Of course, that’s fiction.  But using that world and the characters within it help me to put my questions to a nonjudgmental audience – I basically have them discuss things that sometimes never make it to my books so I can understand my own mind and heart.  Crazy?  Yes.  Truth?  Yes.

I miss my Daddy the most when I am overwhelmed.  Even though I still pretended I was fine all the time, I could get him to discuss theoretical issues with me or book scenarios that moved my mind to a happier place. 

Like music.  Loud, fast music that I can sing to.  (Can’t sing anymore but my hope is that someday my voice and lungs will heal and I’ll be able to sing again. Thea’s never heard me sing a song that doesn’t sound like a dying chicken.)

How are you?  What do you need to talk about?  Or as Philip usually asks Jamie in Little Thief, “what is it you don’t want to talk about?” – because he knows his little brother better than anyone else…  He is an understanding friend.

I encourage you to find a true friend with whom you can discuss anything that is troubling you.  Someone who will listen to your heart.  Someone to whom you can listen.  Listen, encourage, and pray together.  Build each other up instead of tear each other down. 

Sharpen each other!

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Dating Decisions – Part 3

Dating Decisions Part 3: Discovering Real Life and True Love

September 20, 2020

Dating Decisions – Part 3

At this point in my story I am a few months into 16, realizing that my focus cannot be on someone else. Jesus is my answer, my hope, my truth, not some guy I will meet “eventually.” That brought more peace to my crazy teenage mind than any other decision I had made since choosing Jesus as my personal Savior.

I determined to stand on the principles of virtue that I wanted to find in my future mate. If I had high expectations, it stood to reason that he should as well.

I had already told God (when I was 12) that I would keep myself a perfect gift for my husband. I did some silly girlish stuff that I kept hidden – like write letters to my future husband as I was journaling. Several, actually most, of these letters were destroyed by inquisitive dogs and siblings long before I was 19. I understood purity to be in the mind, body, and heart. Of all the people I interviewed, none told me they wished they had “tried it out first” but almost every person who had “tried sex out” before marriage told me that they wished they hadn’t. Most of them cited trust issues after marriage as their reason. A few told me it made them feel less worthy or made their partner less desirable. Several did not marry the person they “tried out” with. My Daddy told me that once a boy makes a conquest, he thinks of the girl as dirty, trash, something to be discarded. He said that was why he never wanted to use anyone. He told me “men don’t use women but boys use girls.” The silver screen brought that to life in “Spencer’s Mountain” where they get the cow bred and Dad says to son something like: you aren’t a bull and your woman won’t be a cow. That image stuck with me. Stories about my Daddy’s friends, relatives in our extended family, and from my curious interview subjects led me to the understanding that if someone doesn’t respect your decisions in regard to your personal limits, they don’t truly respect you at all.

That led me to the decision that should I be dating someone and they choose to ignore or press my limits, I would back up and leave. Don’t respect me = deal breaker.

I also decided that I would give them just as much respect as I expected. That was something I already did because I was raised that way, but I made that mental decision and wrote it down just to solidify it. If I couldn’t respect them, I wouldn’t waste their time. A wife is expected to respect her husband.

I started to think of myself as a wife-in-training. I had read a devotional book where the woman writer referred to her students as “women-in-training” and I loved that idea! I’m big on apprentice type learning. Show me, direct me, and I pick up rather quickly. I think that actually learning from someone with real world experience is the absolute best. (Another reason I LOVE the movie “War Room” – if you haven’t seen it, DO IT.) I picked out the qualities that I needed to work on (like patience and not nagging) and started trying them out on my siblings. Siblings had taught me that I was low on the patience thing. (Truthfully, children have taught me that I’m still, constantly, and will be forever working on the patience thing.) I am a big sister who likes to not allow her little siblings to get in a situation she knows how to prevent, but I had to sit back and let them learn after only one warning. My Daddy boomed a deep-belly laugh when he asked 17-year-old me why I let my little sisters go out in white shirts (in Florida afternoon, Kissimmee = 10 minute torrential rainfall at precisely 3pm) and I replied with “I warned them, but I’m trying to learn how not to nag, so I only said it once.”

My focus was now on myself. I understood that I needed to be a better person for my siblings, parents, and my future family. This was just the beginning.

I was still feeling tremendous pressure from peer groups to “date” like my siblings. My study had led me to the belief that dating was a long series of pre-marital interviews. I had been to job and volunteer worker interviews. I knew that the most direct way to find out if a person was a good match for the job or position was to ask direct questions. At 16, I could no longer blame my daddy and say “my Dad won’t let me date until I’m 16” therefore I began being super direct by asking, “do you love Jesus?” About half of those who asked me out laughed in a scoffing manner and (since I was primarily around church groups) respond with, “I go to church.” My reply to that “puffy religious response” was equally “puffy religious” – “no thanks. I can only court after I’m 18.”

At this point, mid-17, I still had an excellent relationship with my Daddy. I would tell him when someone asked me out. Once he told me my standards were too high, that I was expecting perfection. My reply was, “I’m looking for someone at least as much in love with Jesus as I am; the man is supposed to be the spiritual head of the family.” I was super-focused on getting into UMR or FIT at this point (two engineering colleges I was chasing) and my Daddy was big on education which is why I believe he didn’t press the matter really. I told him I wasn’t planning on dating until I was ready to marry. That became a repeated line whenever I was teased by family or my sister’s friends. One guy I didn’t like approached me about “hooking up for fun” and I asked him if he was ready to raise a child. His entire friend group left me alone.

I had devised an entire pre-programmed set of responses to boys and now men because I had yet to be asked out by anyone I actually would have dated. There had only been two young men whom I watched and admired the character of since I was 16 and neither asked me out. I actually had deep discussions about Biblical issues with both of them and discovered more about “Biblical courtship” from the latter when I was 17.

I delved deeper into the idea of Biblical courtship with a book I stumbled upon just before I turned 18. “I Kissed Dating GoodBye” by Joshua Harris – I didn’t agree with all of the book, but there were many bits that helped me to understand the whole courtship thing.

I may have bent your ears too long in this epistle. Oops!

Ready for the biggest decision of my dating steps? Covering that next time…

Thank you for reading!

~Nancy Tart

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