February 2, 2019
Savor Life
I’m a few weeks or so from giving birth to our seventh little miracle.
Lying in the bed (because of some biological oddities to hit just as this baby started, the cold that normally would take me two or three days to fight is taking a stretched-out time; I’m on day seven) Louis says, “if the afterbirth is harder each time, maybe we should stop with this one.”
I smiled, but since I was lying toward the wall, he couldn’t see. “I’ve always treated each time as if it may be the last.”
“Really?” I guess this shocked him a little because I love being pregnant, I love the infant stage, I love the growing independence of the toddler stage, I love each and every step so far in this journey. Although I’m fully prepared for God to say, “this is the last one” sometime, I’m also fully prepared to continue going through this amazing cycle of mothering a miracle.
Yes.
I guess it’s complicated.
See, about the time I was pregnant with Kimberly, I grew a great deal in my understanding of how to allow God to have full control in my entire life. I thought I trusted Him with everything but realized that I was quietly hoping to have a multitude of children and not really okay with less – or even three. But I asked myself, “What if God’s perfect number for you is three?”
I began to realize that God’s perfection was not limited nor driven by my wants. (DUH!)
I decided early during that pregnancy (with Kimberly) that I would savor every second, every feeling, every hiccup, stretch, movement, and challenge that came along as if this were the last time I would carry life.
I already loved being pregnant. I shared that love with my mother and Louis’ Grandma Honey (she told me once she would have been pregnant her entire life if God had allowed her!).
At that time, I had a shift of my mental state. Instead of trying to always project perfection, I wanted to savor life with my family. If this meant not fully finishing with a cleaning chore before we went somewhere, then okay. If this meant taking a break to look at a cool flower while I’m supposed to be hanging clothes, okay. If this meant letting someone else watch the kids so Louis and I could go out, then that was okay. I realized I was trying to follow other peoples’ ideas of what my life should look like and had unconsciously adopted those ideas as “perfection” – and yes, perfection as it was in my brain was never truly achievable!
My stress level fell so much in those few months while I grew Kimberly in my belly and started a new “temp” job. I may have looked busier, but I felt so liberated!
Even though what followed (from 5-weeks after Kimberly’s birth) was what I honestly believe was the most grueling, difficult 18 months of Louis & my married life, I was able to find a well of thankfulness to pull from when I felt so far down. Without my new understanding of submitting totally to God’s plan, I would have probably allowed the horrid miscarriage to drag me into the jaws of depression. I realized even as I cried in the stupid bulk-grocery-store bathroom, by myself, hundreds of miles from home, while I “passed” the fragments of what was once a life I felt and loved, that God had even this time in His hands. He knew all the whys and I wasn’t to understand them; just to trust Him.
So, fast forward almost 12 years and here I am lying with this little miracle kicking up a nice sensitive bruise under my right side. Life in its cycle, totally unexpected, another prime example of God’s timing and perfect wisdom (Click here for that crazy amazing story!). I’m rubbing on my belly because it makes the Baby move around and react to my touch – and I LOVE that. I’m playing with this little one before he/she is born!
God has done so much, so many unexpected things that have lifted us up despite the weird, harsh, and unexpected challenges this past year. God has taught me to savor all life – all stages and parts, from babies and pregnancy to friendships and siblings. Take time for and savor everything. There are miracles everywhere. Yes, I’m okay if this is my last pregnancy and birth. I’d long ago given all control to God. I mean, if I trust Him with something so awesome as my salvation and eternal life, how can I not trust His wisdom in family size?
Thanks for reading!
Type at you next time…
~Nancy Tart