April 18, 2018
Looking for Positive
Sometimes it is hard to stay positive. Iād like to believe that Iām always thinking about how whatever I experience is working toward Godās glory and find a positive attitude, but that just isnāt reality. It is still a struggle for me to not drop myself into negative thoughts, worry, and the downward, hard-on-myself spiral that leads into depression.
For instance: I just got out of a three-day hospital stay for what I consider the silliest thing ever ā an asthmatic allergic reaction to black mold.
History: Iād been sick since the day after our van was busted in (February 19, 2018) with what I originally thought was a cold. March 1, I went to the clinic, transferred to the ER, and diagnosed with pneumonia. Major allergic reaction (common for me is body-covered-in-chicken-pox-like-rash) to my antibiotic after 9 days led to another clinic visit because it appeared to be affecting my breathing too. They did a breathing treatment and gave me an inhaler. April 3, I went back to the clinic because I was not being able to breathe again. Breathing treatment, felt great, finished my responsibilities for that evening and woke up on the 4th almost unable to breathe. ER again. New diagnosis ā no pneumonia, mild upper respiratory infection. New antibiotic, steroid, and same inhaler with orders to use it more.
On April 12, Iād finished the antibiotic, the steroid, and the inhaler. The next afternoon, I went to the clinic because I was struggling to breathe again and was, for the first time, coughing up colored (infected) mucus. They did two breathing treatments and reissued the inhaler.
On April 13, about midnight, I was unable to breathe again. I could feel there was space, but the air seemed to get ācaughtā just at the base of my neck. I felt my heart rate racing. My head kept trying to make me panic. My mind and lungs felt like I was at the bottom of a wave underwater with the air in sight but no way to get to the air. I kept praying for God to open up my lungs. Louis came home and instantly took me back to the ER. This time I almost fainted getting to the door; I almost passed out several times but kept forcing myself not to because I thought it was āmentalā and I should be able to āhandle it.ā
The admitting doctor said I had āseptic pneumoniaā (this meant the pneumonia had gone āsepticā and traveled in my body) and was reacting to the double breathing treatment & inhaler. (Side effects were listed as heart palpitations, etc.) He issued an IV antibiotic which caused a severe reaction (fever, my whole upper body went red, my larynx swelled, etc). That was scary! So I ended up in ICCU. That wasn’t accurate, but it was their first guess.
The final diagnosis was an asthmatic reaction to black mold. The pneumonia had been cleared in March, but a āsmallā infection was still āsittingā in my upper respiratory tract. The pulmonologist (lung specialist) said it was a reaction to something that had entered my ālifeā in or before December. New pet for Christmas? Nope. But when we turned off our Air Conditioning to save money in November, we discovered as we lost the A/Cās dehumidifying effect that we had black mold in the rental house. Weād saved for a few months to get a dehumidifier (in February, just after I got sick with the cold/pneumonia) and dried the house up. All the mold was cleaned and goneā¦ except for our bed mattress. Weād attempted drying and cleaning it, and thought weād done it, but it was a foam mattress and therefore didnāt completely dry.
I HAD BEEN SLEEPING ON THE ALLERGEN!
That made perfect sense. Iād always felt worse in the morning, itād clear up some at work, if I laid down for a nap (trying to rest so I could get better) I felt worse.
Louis burned the mattress. (He was mad that something so stupid had almost ālost meā and I was like ājust throw it awayā but it was almost new and he didnāt want anyone to pick it up and use it.) He winked, āthe Bible says you burn mold.ā Boysā¦ and I couldnāt argue with that.
As I was feeling better (actually, all through this sickness), I kept seeing dollar signs every time a CNA, nurse, or respiratory therapist came in the room to scan my bracelet with a new medicine. We have catastrophic insurance, but that means we have to find $15,000 before our insurance will pay anything. The clinic visits were $75 each, and we had only just started trying to pay from the first hospital visit (so far, $1200, but there may be another bill from March). We had to save for a dehumidifierā¦ we donāt even have money saved to move to another home. (Although, we like our rental house, but Louis says weāll drop it in a heartbeat if my breathing issue comes back.) So, it was hard to see positive while in the hospital.
I had to try to stay positive; I kept reminding myself that God says a cheerful heart does good like medicine. (Thus, outside of a gem of a Matlock show mentioned next to the Sunday paper crossword, I didnāt want to watch the TV.)
Becca, one of my sisters, brought a book I devoured. It was āIn This House we will Giggleā by Courtney DeFoe. One of the volunteers on Sunday saw me doing the crossword and brought three word searches with blank white backs!
WRITING PAPER!!
One was filled with the outline for number five in āThe Devoniansā series (probably will be called āConvincing the Council,ā but I havenāt decided yet). The other two became my journal pages with notes, quotes, Bible verses, and thoughts from or inspired by this awesome “Giggle” book. The whole idea of that book in a nutshell is this: Mom, release your worry, perfectionism, and expectations to God and learn how to choose to rejoice in everything so you can set a joyful example and cultivate godly virtues in your children. I loved reading about someone who was like me. I read that book from cover to cover four times before midnight.
On the way to pick up the girls from college the next day, I listened to one of my favorite Radio teachers, Chip Ingram. God must be making sure this message gets through because Chip’s message was about giving everything up to God, accepting that in whatever way God chooses to heal us, modern medicine (God taught us that), unexplained miracles (Iāve seen those too), or health and nutrition changes (thatās my lifestyle anyway), the glory is all still Godās.
God is more concerned with our attitude during our struggle than the outcome.
This reminds me of a character in āThe Robeā (great movie): Sheās a cripple who is telling the Roman āinfiltratorā about her journey from bitterness to joy. He says, ābut why didnāt Jesus just heal you?ā She replies, āthen I would be expected to be joyful, wouldnāt I?ā BOOM.
God has shown us what the underlying cause for my continued illness. Thank you Jesus! I can avoid it.
God has shown me that my nutrition was fine. (The Dr said my body had enough nutrition it should have fought off the infections easily, even my iron levels were good.) Amen!
I met a nurse who has a 16-year-old homeschooled son and that greatly encouraged me in my familyās homeschool journey.
God has led us to wisdom and weāve removed danger before it affected any of the children or Louis.
God will provide a way for us to financially cover this bill (even though itās like a yearās rent ā I can trust Him to provide us a means to pay it off). Just like we trust Him for day-to-day needs, He will cover this one too.
This is my brotherās birthday and heās coming down this weekend ā and Iām so much better than Iāve felt since January! Thank you, Jesus! My throat is clear so I can sing, my ears arenāt clogged, and my nose is open so I can smell!
I am a vendor at the Family Fun Fest in downtown Saint Augustine on the 28th of April and Iām going to be feeling awesome instead of tired and run down! I have such a positive air of expectation about this show (have since we signed up in November) and want the girls to have fun! Thank you, Jesus!
I refuse to allow the devil to draw me down into depression this time. I will find blessings in this mess (there are many!) and praise God through it even when I donāt feel like it. Let the challenge to find positivity begin!
Thanks for reading!
Type at you next timeā¦
~Nancy Tart
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