July 12, 2019
Fighting Failure
It’s when your mind tells you stuff that isn’t what God wants you to hear, but the logical part of you says, “yes, that’s right,” so you agree and allow the spirit of failure to permeate your day.
I know in my heart that anything discouraging that doesn’t come with a motivation for how to fix it isn’t from God. Yet, my logical brain doesn’t always catch these.
Fighting with the spirit of failure has been tough for me lately, especially the last couple of weeks. One of the girls says “you are always busy,” and I hear “you are never home” to which my logical brain reminds me that I leave before most are awake and I come home straight to dinner, cleaning, and bedtime or arrive just as bedtime starts. My brain reiterates: “you are a failure” (at being a good mom.)
Louis says, “obviously, that’s wrong” when I ask for his help and my brain says, “you can’t even put a couch cushion cover on right!” This makes me irritated so I leave because I am now mad at Louis – to which my brain shouts, “see, you’re a horrible wife,” and I believe that because I couldn’t even get dinner ready within an hour the night before but Louis can throw a gourmet meal together in twenty minutes (why do I even agree with that failure, I know I’m not a fast cook?). My brain reminds me of strings of “wife fails” in reverse order like comic book pages on fast-forward speed laughing, “you are a failure” (at being a wife.)
I’m working so much and have little time (when they need me) lately to spend helping my family with our recent losses. One of my friends says “you’ll make time,” and since I haven’t stopped my job or altered my schedule too much, my brain laughs, “you are a failure” (at being a good sister, daughter.)
One of my friends is going through a very trying time and I want to be there for her more, but I’m busy when she’s free or I turn into a pumpkin at nine-thirty (to get to bed by ten & therefore up by five to get ready for work) but she is usually home and free in the evenings. My brain tells me, “see, you are such a failure” (at being a friend.)
BUT… (positive one!)
I have to remind my mind (remind = renew my mind, if you will) that we are all failures. All have sinned and come short of perfection. So, yes, of course I fail over and over! God gives me peace, hope, and joy. I do my best with what life has given me and pray for God to give me the joy (translates into strength for me) to handle what I’m lacking.
So even though physically and humanly, I am not matching up to my image of perfection (another trap for us perfectionists, we actually think somehow that we can be perfect on our own), when I remind my mind who I am, I remember this: I am saved by undeserved favor (meaning I did NOTHING to deserve it, rather I deserved to die). Jesus knew my failures ahead of time yet chose to say, “I want her.”
Now I can fight this feeling of failure by choosing to fix where I can improve and trust God with the rest. I’m not going to be working from home again anytime soon – I will trust God with that. I can try to prioritize time spent at home. (I think I’m doing good until I literally take a step wrong my first day off & bruise my neck & shoulders so I spend almost two whole days recovering and doing nothing… and those were supposed to be quality family days!) I remind my mind, “in all things, trust God.”
The joy of the Lord is my strength. My mind plays Rebecca St. James “Be The Voice,” and Mandisa’s “Born For This” as I tell myself to “Lay it All Down” and trust. “This Song is Alive” and “My Heart’s Already There!” (Point of Grace, NewSong, respectively)
Music is my key to joy! Music is how I fight failure! Thank you, Jesus, for music! Thank you for always helping me to fight the spirit of failure in me.
Type at you next time,
~Nancy Tart