Tag: mind vs heart

Judgments

What do you instantly presume based on a look? This cup, for example:

January 7, 2021

Judgments

It starts with this cup:

Judgement – instantly you either love or hate me, but you also immediately assume I spent $3 to $5 on the “coffee” I’m drinking.

Actually, I’ve never bought Starbucks. This cup? Well, I’m love my meal shake “cafe latte” hot and I’m a mom so that means 10x trips to the microwave… this cup’s predecessor two years ago was green and white and was perfect for the serving size and microwavable!! I hate waste. That green and white cup was destined for the trash… I saved it, sanitized it, and used it for almost 14 months. This cup was also someone else’s discarded trash.

Now, knowing that, you are either grossed out that I take trash, wash it, and claim it, saying “better you than me,” or you are applauding my penny-pinching way of getting exactly what I want and saving the landfill at the same time.

Isn’t it crazy how we judge?

Someone in the food bank line driving a really sweet immaculate older model Jaguar wearing a tailored suit jacket, $400 eyeglass frames, and a Rolex. You can choose to judge, “what is he here for?” or “he could sell the car (watch, frames, jacket) for money,” or whatever thought because you feel he shouldn’t be there.

Step in his shoes. Did you know he’s a former businessman whose life savings went into a dream business in fall of 2019 – just a small operation that employed 27 people. His jacket? It’s the same one he wore to his retirement party years ago. He has sold all the others. His eyeglass frames? Those were his late wife’s. He gets his prescription put in them for sentimental reasons. His Rolex look-alike? Inscribed with “to my love; come home safe; Christmas 1969” he received it in the spring of 1970 in Vietnam. His car? He takes care of it and cleans it himself – he’s had it for 22 years. The dealership won’t even give him $500 for it without locking him into a new loan he can’t afford; it is a cheap used car. He chooses to keep his employees at work but is falling deeper and deeper in debt so yes, he stretches his food budget with the weekly box from the food bank.

Have you ever read “To Kill a Mockingbird?” That book is an excellent tool for teaching you how to always treat everyone with kindness and consideration. Atticus teaches his children, and the reader, how not to make hasty judgments. Jem actually judges people and in his thoughts and conversations with Scout, he professes what Scout is thinking; they learn how their quick surface judgments are most often wrong.

Since I’ve read that book as a youngster, I decided to leave the judging to God. I strive to treat everyone with kindness. I strive to kick the judgmental thoughts from my mind before they affect my heart or bleed into my words.

Another great book for that end is “The Shack.”

In both instances I referenced, the book is far more poignant than the film, but the films do a decent job of getting the point across.

Treat others with kindness. Leave the judging to God. He alone knows the heart. Can our sour swift judgments harm? Yes. If we are to be the feet and hands of Jesus, we also need to speak his words to others and in our own hearts. When we allow own hearts to be poisoned by our own sour thoughts we allow ourselves to make hasty judgments, in turn we make poor decisions and usually harm others. We are putting a stumbling block in front of them! This is not how we are supposed to love.

As parents, we also need to avoid making hasty judgments about our children. We may know their hearts, sure. But what good can come of judging without listening? Always ask. Always talk. Always be available for them to speak to you. Your children do know your heart based on what you have shown them during their life – they need you to be a safe place for them to express feelings and emotions and speak troubles. This needs to start from the beginning and continue even when it is hard.

My father was always open where I could talk about anything with him. He guided me through dating and the first few weeks of engagement, he encouraged me to search for character traits, gave me logical wisdom as I relayed scenarios and answers, and offered questions for me to ask that led my fiancé and I into deep discussions where we discovered each other’s hearts. We came to understand our religious, political, family, and deep convictions through soul-baring conversation and intimately know each other.

I am forever thankful for the few months of guidance that led me to understand my future husband. I wanted to be someone my children could come talk to without fear, like my father had. I hope my children always understand that my love for them will never change. I will try to guide them. I will listen. I always try to listen first. I have a fix-it mentality though, which makes it a struggle to just listen when I care about someone and want to help them.

I have to learn, still, that people don’t always want help. They want ears to listen to their heart.

This is treating others with kindness.

Avoiding preconceived judgments (back to my iconic cup).

Listening without judging.

Praying before speaking.

Hearing without repeating (aka no gossiping).

Loving as Christ does.

If I am to be His hands and feet, I need to be his ears and mouth as well. I need to leave judging to God.

(Hope this encourages you as much as writing it encouraged me.)

~Type at you later.

~Nancy Tart

Choosing Gratitude

December 30, 2020

Choosing Gratitude

Ever feel just overwhelmingly grateful? That often happens to me as I’m contemplating life. It usually starts when I feel discouraged. Everything bad coming at me all at once or someone mentioning some past mistake that helped lead to some poor circumstance I’m in now that waterfalls into my brain assaulting me with every tumbler that went wrong or a misstep that I see instantly and try to recover from… in whatever fashion it starts, it is always a silent attack on my joy coming from my own accusing brain. No one knows I’m fighting this horrid battle inside. No one else can see the pain my heart feels. My own logical brain is my worst accuser. The devil uses the logic from my own brain to try to attack the joy God gives me as His daughter. I have to renew my own mind. I have one plan of attack that always beats the accusing voices down and tramples them into silence:

I start with thanking God for life…

my family members by name…

the time I had with those now gone…

friends He’s placed in my life… time I get to spend with them…

the awesome job He’s provided me…

my coworkers… my boss… my students…

the opportunities my children have… achievements I’ve seen each of them reach… dreams I watch them work so hard to make happen…

There is just so much to be grateful for!

I like to shift my thoughts when I’m feeling discouraged because I always know it is not real. The reality is not in my circumstances, but in the attitude I have during those circumstances. Life is not about what happens to you; it is about how you react to the circumstances presented to you.

Sometimes you own thoughts can focus on troubling things and make you feel discouraged, kick those thoughts out! Start with thanking God for something… the sky, sunrise, oxygen, a rainbow, your sweet doggie, a memory that makes you smile… start there and just see how having an attitude of gratitude will help you see life in a positive light!

Hope this helps!

Type at you next time!

~Nancy Tart

Failing to Compare

July 23, 2020

Failing to Compare

Do you know what I hope I fail in? 

Seriously.  I’m super competitive by nature.  I had to teach myself that trying to “be my best” is a different thing than being better than someone else. 

I had to fail at comparing. 

What are we at, 8 billion people on the planet?  Each one of us has a unique set of circumstances, challenges, goals, cultures, and opportunities.  How can we possibly compare ourselves to each other?

Simplify: we do it in our own heads even if people don’t for us. So we have to learn not to compare in our own heads too!

Your child is acting out. 

From people who may or may not know you comes the onslaught: “that’s because you work,” “that’s because you stay home all day,” “that’s because you are too busy,” “that’s because you never go on playdates,” “that’s because you have him around too many children,” “that’s because you have him in vpk,” “that’s because you home school,” “that’s because your mom ate Wendy’s Frosties with French fries while carrying you…”

And it goes on and on!  They give you reasons to blame yourself or your situation for the child crying in the grocery cart.

You know, mentally, it’s been a long day or he just woke up and the bright lights hurt his eyes or he’s teething or maybe he flat out doesn’t want to be in the store today but you let the judging start in you.  Now you blame yourself. 

One child is independent at 6: he wakes up before the rooster crows, does schoolwork without prodding, makes healthy food if there isn’t a ready meal, dresses himself and three younger siblings and feeds the dog before you have your coffee.  Another is 13 and you can’t trust him with the dog for three seconds, he never does anything without you doing it for him, you bought him sliders and gave up on shoelaces decades ago, and it scares you that the government thinks this kid can climb into a 2-ton vehicle in less than three years and turn himself into a human projectile at 70mph+.  (Exaggerated, I know, but still!)

You find yourself blaming you and your circumstances for how your kids are. 

Stop it!

Mommy, your kids are fine!

They have their own unique personalities and the unique way God set in them from when they were knit together in your womb!  Your job is to help them find their way.  It’s a really cool study to really research the Hebrew on that passage you know, “Train up a child…” the word way there means “the traits that are his” we might say his personality, likes, and dreams.  Dig into that one more when you have time – awesome study. 

ANYWAY!  Back to your mind yelling at you and beating you up because your children are different.  Different than you, different than your spouse, different than their siblings, friends, teammates, schoolmates – YES! They were all made different.  Each a beautiful masterpiece God is still carefully crafting with His own hands.

That independent child?  We lead and guide and pray they choose to ask for help when they face something that looks difficult – we’d rather them not make the same mistakes we did.  (Waving my hand, I was that independent child and humility was/is a challenge for me!)

The 13 year old that seems lazy and unproductive?  Watch what falling in love with a sport, subject, or animal will do for him.  You turn around and that one is buying books on said subject, devoting hours, days, whole weeks lost in it, suddenly you blink and he’s that subject’s walking encyclopedia – then if you listen you’ll discover that was always there, he studies one thing at a time and shoelaces, school deadlines, and things that didn’t interest him just didn’t get any attention.   

When you feel like your brain is beating you up because of your parenting, your situation, and your children not being “perfect,” remind your brain that no one is perfect.  There are no perfect children.  (Okay, be honest, you aren’t living in a Jewish village 2000 years ago watching Joseph and Mary parent Jesus – my brain wouldn’t have shut up watching a real perfect kid!)

You can’t say to yourself, “I did xyz” regarding a child’s personality unless you are using that as a tool to ask yourself, “how do I help him overcome this?”  Because yes, I know, going through financial instability, parents going to work or coming home, changing schools, changing neighborhoods, losing family members, that all does contribute to the development of personality and psyche in a child (or in an adult, am I right?) so understanding is good to help more forward – but the best way to help is to LISTEN.

Sit with them when you can – vehicles are normally good because they are trapped and can’t go anywhere.  And ditch the devices.  Unless you are parenting long distance, look in their eyes and listen with your whole self.  It doesn’t have to look like two adults over coffee at a Barnes & Noble, either.  Think like them.  You can be playing a video game with your kid and have deep conversation.  You can be building duplo blocks and get the scoop on everything in his little heart.

Listen to them.  Ask them prodding questions about their thoughts, their dreams, their goals, and what things have impacted them.  You will learn a lot.  Let them speak as much as you can.  You lecturing the same stuff becomes listening to a broken record.  You need to hear them as much as they need to talk to you.  Learn their hearts.  If you forget stuff sometimes like I do, WRITE DOWN important stuff and file it away somewhere.  That way when you want to know your daughter’s favorite color you don’t have to text her sister.

Fail to compare.  ALWAYS choose not to compare.  If you hear them saying “at least I’m better than so-and-so…” ask why they feel that way and then tell them how each person is unique.  If they want to be better at something, encourage it!  But don’t compare with others.  They don’t know “so-and-so’s” full heart story.  (Side note on that is let them read “To Kill A Mockingbird” or watch the Gregory Peck film version.) Don’t compare.  Especially don’t compare siblings!

Choose to change what you can (only yourself and the environment you create) and accept what you can’t (the personality of others and situations you have no control over).

Do your best in the environment you have.  That is all we can do.  Mothers for millennia have been doing just that – wars, famines, massive global flood, cultural and political changes, pestilences, and economic booms and busts notwithstanding, Mothers continue to do their best for their children.  

Fail to compare.

Instead of tearing each other down, we should build each other up.  We should provide safe environments for each other to come, talk deeply, and gather advice.  We live helping each other because we know the power is not in comparing ourselves with another but with helping each other up.  We need that type of love.  We need to build each other up instead of compare and break down.  Our children see how we treat others when they are near and when we are alone – character is what we say and do when no one is watching.  Build up.  Encourage.  Instead of judging someone else, rejoice with them or encourage them.

This is for our own children too.  Build them up, encourage them, rejoice with them, pray for them, and lead them in their own unique and special way.

If you catch yourself comparing yourself to another or your children to each other or another’s child… Stop.  Instead, choose to encourage or rejoice.  Your heart will smile more and that will show on your face and in your attitude – this causes joy in your heart!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Building Monuments

Building Monuments

February 29, 2020

So on my way to work today there was a radio broadcast. I actually listen to this every morning until I get to work on 91.9 FM. It’s the Excel Church radio broadcast. Usually the topics have been related to generational building in legacy, finances, nature, etc. Today was on monuments.

He said we often allow ourselves to build monuments to sin and we see that one thing, or series of things, as bigger than anything else in our lives and immovable. Totally get that one.

When someone makes one bad choice, they are told by others or their own mind that they are defined by that one choice and as such, are not “worthy” of anything better.

He was discussing how the church generally does that to people in the church and we as individuals do it to ourselves. His challenge was, as individuals, to search our hearts, pray, and find the sin monuments in our lives and remove them.

I thought about this.

When I was first personally deciding to follow Jesus, probably about 8, I constantly heard the prayer where it says “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive others” and for almost two years, I wouldn’t forgive one person (a little bully who had hurt and embarrassed me when I was 5). I would argue that I wasn’t around him so my constantly remembering it and talking about it wasn’t bad. Then, about 10, I realized that I was keeping myself bitter because of that unforgiveness. I let it go.

I know, silly story, right? But to me at 10, that was huge. To me looking back now, I saw how that lesson helped me to not hold grudges and find peace.

Learning to find and demolish those monuments has been key in my life too. I just never realized it was so important. I thought it was part of understanding my relationship with God better; slowly growing in my ability to forgive others and myself. To let things go. If God forgets our sin, who am I to keep reminding myself or others of it?

In relationships, it could be one sin – he said usually it is a sin of the mouth. We say something without filtering it and regret it instantly. There is no “delete” or “backspace” for words spoken. Unfortunately, sometimes people build monuments to that lapse and next week, next month, or 10 years later in an altercation they remind the offender, “remember when you said …” – they have built a monument to that one sin.

It needs a demo team.

Blow that monument up and scatter the ashes.

You feel like that sin monument can’t be torn down as it’s too strong or been there too long – actually, it’s made of air like a mountain of trash bags full of foam. Stick a vacuum in the end of the bag and you have almost nothing. God can tear down your sin monuments.

You can’t build relationships with monuments to sin forcing themselves between you. You can’t build your own heart toward God without breaking down the monuments you’ve erected that blot out your accurate view of God.

As followers of Jesus, we should understand that as Paul tell us under grace we are new creatures. The old man is passed away. This means we can start over with a new slate – God says His mercies are new each morning. (I think that’s because like coffee, we need a full dose of mercy each day to get us though the day!) We have to choose to leave the judging to God. We have to choose to forgive. That is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

He talked about how he didn’t have an affectionate father. How he discovered this was a monument he built that affected his dealings and relationships with every other man he came in contact with, including his own son. So he had to demolish that monument, let the loss die, and learn to forgive like Jesus. He had to love his father (his dad was great, just not affectionate) like Jesus wanted him to, in truth. He said letting go is sometimes very hard because we try to rationalize with our mind and emotions why the monument is there and what it’s for. Just let go.

Why on Earth did it take 8-year-old me 2 years after realizing that what I was doing was wrong to forgive some bully from when I was 5? I carried that bitterness against him for 5 years! Half of my life at that time I held what probably amounted to hatred for that one boy – why? It didn’t do anything to him. My rational self told my mind that he likely forgot about the incident five minutes after it happened. Yet I carried this stupid bitterness in my heart for 5 years over nothing? I couldn’t explain to my 10-year-old self why.

I know now it was because we are all born in sin, forgiveness is something we have to learn. The only one who can teach true forgiveness is Jesus. Let yourself go. Let others go. Find the monuments you’ve built to sin in your life and destroy them – you might have to get help and that’s okay. Jesus says all things are possible through Him. You can find peace.

Move forward.

You can’t go backward in time. You can’t erase what you did or said – delete, undo, and backspace don’t work in real life.

You have to find the sin monuments you have built against yourself or someone else and eradicate them.

Let your bitterness go. Love fully. Choose forgiveness!

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Fighting Failure

July 12, 2019

Fighting Failure

It’s when your mind tells you stuff that isn’t what God wants you to hear, but the logical part of you says, “yes, that’s right,” so you agree and allow the spirit of failure to permeate your day.

I know in my heart that anything discouraging that doesn’t come with a motivation for how to fix it isn’t from God.  Yet, my logical brain doesn’t always catch these.

Fighting with the spirit of failure has been tough for me lately, especially the last couple of weeks.  One of the girls says “you are always busy,” and I hear “you are never home” to which my logical brain reminds me that I leave before most  are awake and I come home straight to dinner, cleaning, and bedtime or arrive just as bedtime starts.  My brain reiterates: “you are a failure” (at being a good mom.)

Louis says, “obviously, that’s wrong” when I ask for his help and my brain says, “you can’t even put a couch cushion cover on right!” This makes me irritated so I leave because I am now mad at Louis – to which my brain shouts, “see, you’re a horrible wife,” and I believe that because I couldn’t even get dinner ready within an hour the night before but Louis can throw a gourmet meal together in twenty minutes (why do I even agree with that failure, I know I’m not a fast cook?).  My brain reminds me of strings of “wife fails” in reverse order like comic book pages on fast-forward speed laughing, “you are a failure” (at being a wife.)

I’m working so much and have little time (when they need me) lately to spend helping my family with our recent losses.  One of my friends says “you’ll make time,” and since I haven’t stopped my job or altered my schedule too much, my brain laughs, “you are a failure” (at being a good sister, daughter.)

One of my friends is going through a very trying time and I want to be there for her more, but I’m busy when she’s free or I turn into a pumpkin at nine-thirty (to get to bed by ten & therefore up by five to get ready for work) but she is usually home and free in the evenings.  My brain tells me, “see, you are such a failure” (at being a friend.)

BUT… (positive one!)

I have to remind my mind (remind = renew my mind, if you will) that we are all failures.  All have sinned and come short of perfection.  So, yes, of course I fail over and over!  God gives me peace, hope, and joy.  I do my best with what life has given me and pray for God to give me the joy (translates into strength for me) to handle what I’m lacking.

So even though physically and humanly, I am not matching up to my image of perfection (another trap for us perfectionists, we actually think somehow that we can be perfect on our own), when I remind my mind who I am, I remember this: I am saved by undeserved favor (meaning I did NOTHING to deserve it, rather I deserved to die).  Jesus knew my failures ahead of time yet chose to say, “I want her.”

Now I can fight this feeling of failure by choosing to fix where I can improve and trust God with the rest.  I’m not going to be working from home again anytime soon – I will trust God with that.  I can try to prioritize time spent at home.  (I think I’m doing good until I literally take a step wrong my first day off & bruise my neck & shoulders so I spend almost two whole days recovering and doing nothing… and those were supposed to be quality family days!)  I remind my mind, “in all things, trust God.”

The joy of the Lord is my strength.  My mind plays Rebecca St. James “Be The Voice,” and Mandisa’s “Born For This” as I tell myself to “Lay it All Down” and trust.  “This Song is Alive” and “My Heart’s Already There!” (Point of Grace, NewSong, respectively)

Music is my key to joy!  Music is how I fight failure!  Thank you, Jesus, for music!  Thank you for always helping me to fight the spirit of failure in me.

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

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