Tag: steady

Stepping Back

Stepping Back

February 23, 2020

My little love is one! I’m 37. We both had birthdays this week. This is the first birthday for one of my children that I missed.

I was on my way to a meeting at work when I got two adorable videos from Louis – my littlest baby, looking at her first birthday cupcake Grandma Joanne brought her while everyone sings “Happy Birthday” and her little toes wiggle happily.

I could have let that make me feel really blue. I almost did because I had a rather sour day at work that morning – I’m a perfectionist, should explain everything (right?)

As I watched that video three times, there were two voices in my head:

The first was saying things like: Aww how cute! How sweet that they took a video! She’s having so much fun!

The second jumped immediately on top with: You aren’t there. This is the first birthday cake you haven’t done with any child! You neglect her. You neglect them all. You work too much. You are missing your children’s lives. See how much you miss.

And the second voice doesn’t shut up!

I went through the meeting. That second voice was still screaming in the background on the way back to work: If you had any business sense, you could have been good at Beachbody like Katy, you could be a real author making a living at it, you could have sold makeup, you could still be at home. Why didn’t you…. You could have been… If only…

It boiled down to this: YOU ARE A FAILURE!

But I’m not!

I refocused. I took a deep breath and steadied myself on my way to gym – the voice tried again because my baby didn’t even come to gym on her birthday because Daddy and big sister kept her at home (she was pooped after birthday fun).

I am doing my best.

Most importantly, I allowed myself to step back and look at the bigger picture. That is really hard when voices – your own voices in your head – are screaming at you. Your logic tells you they are accurate! Your emotion agrees with them! All the parenting books you’ve read, teachers you’ve listened to, and “stats” you’ve seen about raising children all tell you the voices – the accusing second voices – are right. BUT NO!

Step back. I stepped back.

For 15 years, I’d been the one at home (yes, working from home too) to see the firsts. With Thea, Louis has been.

He said he loves the baby stage and is so thankful he isn’t missing all of it. He felt like he was never around for the others. I’m so happy he gets to be home in the morning/early afternoons in this season!

I had an awesome relationship with my Daddy. I want that for my children, especially my girls; for them to have an awesome relationship with their Daddy. Louis gets to spend more time with them.

I stepped back.

We have joint goals. We have family goals. A house that means a new start for us – rooms for everyone and more than 4 feet of counter space in the kitchen! We are accomplishing that!

I stepped back.

I LOVE my family, and they know this. Just because I work two jobs in this season doesn’t change that. We both got to go to Christina’s first University tour! (That wouldn’t have happened with other jobs!) We both get to go to the gymnastics show in May. We all get Sundays together as family days (that has never happened in our family lives – service industry doesn’t give up weekends!).

I took another deep breath. The accusing voice had stopped. This was because I started to mentally pray: thank you, Jesus, for this season of life you have us in. It may be hard, it may sometimes seem like too much, other people may think it’s too much, others may judge, my logic might be telling me it’s not a good place… but I am SO grateful for the season I’m in right now! I pray for guidance daily and until God says “let it go,” I’m holding on to the gifts (jobs) he’s given us. Thank you!

If your inner voices are ripping you apart…

Take a deep breath. Steady yourself. Step back. PRAY. Be grateful for what you have and pray for wisdom on what to allow to let go.

Listen to God’s heart.

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Christina’s New Semester

August 20, 2019

Christina’s New Semester

This one, like most of my posts lately, is a little bit delayed. 

I’m so excited for my eldest though! 

She participates actively in Civil Air Patrol – what does that mean?  Well, let’s just say my GPS thinks that’s “Work” because other than “Home,” that was the most frequented place when she first joined!  She treats CAP like a job.  Seriously.  She wants to be a pilot someday and CAP has opportunities to help her achieve that goal.  When she first joined, she was rather shy and if someone had suggested leadership, she would have laughed.

A First: Christina in her AF Blues

Now?  This young woman exudes confidence (even though she may still be privately terrified), she gives presentations in front of her fellow CAP members (while her mind keeps track of every “uh,” “um,” or “so” to make sure it’s a lower tally than last time), and she served as a Flight Sergeant until she just ranked out.  A lieutenant can’t be a flight sergeant.  I know maturity and general life experiences help to build self-confidence, leadership, and other such traits, but I credit Christina’s Civil Air Patrol as a major factor in her character formation. 

Major Milton presenting Christina with the Mitchell Award. (promoted to C/2ndLt)

I’m actually sitting in the side seat, typing a blog, while my lieutenant is flying the family van – driving, the wheels were on the ground last time I checked – up to CAP. 

For over two weeks, little sisters and brother have been constantly saluting or saying “ma’am” to try to ruffle her feathers.  (She keeps saying, “I’m not in uniform and y’all aren’t in CAP!”)  She got to fly the cessna again…

One of the Civil Air Patrol cessnas she has flown

I’m smiling because I love watching her grab life by the horns and hold on tight!

We went to Vystar to do some banking chore that she needed my signature for – and the woman didn’t believe she was underage until she actually loaded her account details.  I thought, and she isn’t in uniform, you should see her in her AF Blues.

This semester brings newness again: Christina’s got a full load of classes but managed to have them all on two days, she’s got a regular, steady job, she’s participating in Cyber Patriot again, and she’s a cadet lieutenant. 

Next semester will bring new changes, but for now, I’m enjoying watching this video of life play out as my independent young woman blossoms.

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Our Daily Bread

Season of Uncertainty: struggles over finances and worry for me. Learning to trust in daily provision.

September 14, 2018

Our Daily Bread

Have you ever thought about the line in the Lord’s Prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread?”

I always believed it meant to trust God for provision.

I never really lived the “daily” part.

Our life is broken into seasons and in this season, there is no weekly or monthly guaranteed income.  We work daily.  We get paid daily.  Of course, we understand that bills are monthly, so we have to save the money we make in order to pay for monthly provisions.  For the last few months, when we pray that prayer, I understand the “daily bread” part literally.

Our service work is different than a “regular job” in that we don’t have sick days or PTO to pull from when we’re sick.  When I got sick with the mold garbage was a huge cut on our family’s finances.  Our income has even changed from what we had a few years ago: From startup to two years ago our business had several streams of “weekly” or “monthly” income from operating, but times change.  We could take a day off then and it didn’t come with worrying if rent or electric would get behind over it.

God always provides, though.  God makes sure we get enough calls to keep our provisions met (we have been on time for rent & electric in this season).  We get blessed in unexpected ways too.  Unexpected ways are like this past Sunday when a sister from church gave us two boxes of fruit popsicles – the kids LOVE those things!

Radio preachers always say stuff like, “just give what your family would spend eating out.”  It makes me feel so sad.  (We do pay $200 a month to help another – plus anything God tells us to give.  But that is between God and us.) We don’t eat out.  We used to.  If I mention a restaurant we’ve tried “the other day,” it was likely over two years ago.  I don’t tell other people our financial situation.  I don’t like to “bother others” because God does always provide and as long as we have rent, I’m not going to ask anyone for help.  Outside of Louis buying a $20 box from the new Bojangles to try it out for a birthday lunch, we haven’t eaten out in ages.  We understand that good stewardship in our family right now means spending less than $8 for each dinner meal for all of us – and one item each from the dollar menu still breaks that budget.  Honestly, beans and rice (the most common) or spaghetti/zoodles with marinara (2nd most common) cost $2.80 and $3.30 each, respectively.  Most of our family dinners cost us less than $8 a meal.  Breakfast (thank you, God, for eggs!) is under $2 and lunch is usually about $4 since we save full meat and good veggies for dinners.  Since we make feed money off our chickens and eggs, eggs are practically “free.”  We go to a local produce market a mile from us and pick lots of veggies from the $0.50/lb “scratch and dent” box.  I like to think I’m pretty good at stretching money.

For us, this season has taught us to depend on God daily.  That was very hard for me at first.  I am a planner.  I am a saver.  I am very good at saying “no, that’s not on the list,” and not allowing money to be spent on something I consider unnecessary.  But I find it an extreme challenge to not have the full month’s bills sitting in the bank – we used to have six months of bills in the savings account and one in the checking!  I hate the uncertainty of depending on God to give us calls every day.  I look at our reservations and my stomach churns.  There’s usually nothing for me to plan on.  Fifty-three stories online and I made zero in August, so I can’t plan on that just yet.  I’m so unsure that I’m applying for every job that I can possibly pretend my skill sets fit only to be rejected by everything in the last two years.  (Obviously, God doesn’t want me there.)  If I get a job, it will be because God wants me there.  (Maybe God wants me in this season of uncertainty because He’s teaching me to depend on Him more and worry less?)

Do I love working from home?  YES!  (I drive when there are calls, wait at home in-between.) Do I love being able to homeschool, write more stories, tend my garden and tiny farm, and be present as my children grow?  YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!

What is hard for me is accepting uncertainty.

Frankly, though, life is totally uncertain!  A “steady job” is just as uncertain as the “daily bread” season we are in!  It only appears more secure.

Only God is truly certain.  Why would I want to trust in anything else?

Thanks for reading!

Type at you later…

~Nancy Tart

 

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