Tag: voice

Turtles In The Kitchen

December 3, 2022

Turtles in the Kitchen


It had been one of those days.  You know, when you begin to question everything, your brain shouts accusing bits at you and highlights every choice you’ve made since infancy, and your biggest challenge is to find something joyful to think on or something to be grateful for.  

Jillian, Lucas, and Thea to the rescue!

“Mom! Where is Jillian?” cries Thea with a giggle.

“I’m a green turtle!” days Jillian’s muffled voice from under the green bin.  

A simple little rubbermaid bin.  It started life in our house about 14 or 15 years ago as a toy-bin because someone gave it to us with junk in it, a broken handle, and no top.  We sanded the broken plastic and put big toys in it.  At this location (smaller house, so smaller toy room and no space for it), it is our pantry dump bin; usually it contains baggies, extras that need a box like soaps, random cables, an occasional box that’s too big for the shelf, etc.  Since Halloween, it had been used to set everyone’s separate candy/treat buckets inside and had been atop the refrigerator.  This morning I had moved it to the floor with the intention of wiping it out and putting it back in the pantry. 

Instead, it ended up being a turtle shell over Jillian!  

Lucas and Thea were laughing so hard, “look, you can’t see her toes!”  and “Mom!  Jillian’s a turtle with a hard shell!”  And Lucas banged drums on the shell. 

Grandma has a red plastic bin she had just emptied that normally has decorations in it.  

“Mom!” I hear a scream-yell from the kitchen.  

“Look!” Yells Thea as she pulls the red bin over her head, “two turtles!” 

“Two turtles!” Yells Lucas from the other, (Jillian is guiding Thea Turtle around so she doesn’t hit anything as she race-crawls around the kitchen)

Where are they?
Red is Thea
Green is Lucas

I smile at so much fun from imagination and two silly plastic bins.  Thank you God, for imagination!  Thank you God, that you know my heart and send these little angels to make me remember that I just need simplicity to smile.  My mood shifted from fighting my accusing brain to enjoying my children’s joy.  He uses the simple to confound the wise.  In the still small voice.  All of Creation shouts His praise.  A child shall lead them.  All these sayings pound in my brain to drown out the accusations.  

And now the turtles are a “turtle sandwich” to which one of my teenagers said, “mom, that’s something else” and giggled. (Someone has been reading their Biology book.)

Three turtles to the rescue!

Sometimes it’s a pretend turtle in the kitchen that can bring you joy!  Thank you, God, for the blessings you have given us!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you next time!

~Nancy Tart

Choosing Gratitude

December 30, 2020

Choosing Gratitude

Ever feel just overwhelmingly grateful? That often happens to me as I’m contemplating life. It usually starts when I feel discouraged. Everything bad coming at me all at once or someone mentioning some past mistake that helped lead to some poor circumstance I’m in now that waterfalls into my brain assaulting me with every tumbler that went wrong or a misstep that I see instantly and try to recover from… in whatever fashion it starts, it is always a silent attack on my joy coming from my own accusing brain. No one knows I’m fighting this horrid battle inside. No one else can see the pain my heart feels. My own logical brain is my worst accuser. The devil uses the logic from my own brain to try to attack the joy God gives me as His daughter. I have to renew my own mind. I have one plan of attack that always beats the accusing voices down and tramples them into silence:

I start with thanking God for life…

my family members by name…

the time I had with those now gone…

friends He’s placed in my life… time I get to spend with them…

the awesome job He’s provided me…

my coworkers… my boss… my students…

the opportunities my children have… achievements I’ve seen each of them reach… dreams I watch them work so hard to make happen…

There is just so much to be grateful for!

I like to shift my thoughts when I’m feeling discouraged because I always know it is not real. The reality is not in my circumstances, but in the attitude I have during those circumstances. Life is not about what happens to you; it is about how you react to the circumstances presented to you.

Sometimes you own thoughts can focus on troubling things and make you feel discouraged, kick those thoughts out! Start with thanking God for something… the sky, sunrise, oxygen, a rainbow, your sweet doggie, a memory that makes you smile… start there and just see how having an attitude of gratitude will help you see life in a positive light!

Hope this helps!

Type at you next time!

~Nancy Tart

Doing Less, Loving More

July 14, 2020

Doing Less, Loving More

Kimberly calls it, “living in the moment,” but really, it’s choosing to live where God has placed you with hope for the final future.  Your focus is not on temporal things but on the things of God.

It’s been a long teaching road for me the past few years. 

I thought I was teaching.

Really, God has been continually showing me that I am doing too much.  I thought I was living in the present, planning for the future, and remembering the past – what I tell myself all the time.  In reality, I was placing too much trust in myself and my ability to work.  What these last few months taught me is that it doesn’t really matter about this chasing work… God will provide for needs. 

I kept telling myself “it is just a season” and that I would slow down once we had a house of our own.  My desire for a home that we own is not a bad thing.  My working all day every day was not a good thing.  “Unprecedented” things changed that goal and reset us to day zero. I realized I was minimizing Louis.  We are a team.  We work very well together.  My deep desire is to have strong relationships with my husband, children, and family.  I had been neglecting that. 

A voice kept repeating, “you must do what you love,” and “money isn’t a motivator,” and I was thinking in reply – “I am” (One of my jobs was a gymnastics coach… I LOVE being a gymnastics coach!) and “but I need money for a house.”  

That voice was right. 

One study I listened to highlighted “where your treasure is, there your heart is also.”

I analyzed what I really love.

I love Louis.  I love my children.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love coaching.  I love writing.  I love encouraging.  I love working in a Christian, encouraging, loving atmosphere.

So I prayed.  The next study came on… “doing less, loving more…” and I realized it was the right decision.  I stopped my office job and decided to be available as the “on-call” rec coach for all hours.  The same day I made that decision, the offer came in for Preschool – a position I had turned away chasing the “more money” job a year ago. 

I’m writing again!  I get to see Thea wake up, smiling, and yell “Mommy!” and snuggle before I have to go to work.  We have no real debt anymore – the student loan and the debt from food and gas during the shutdown is paid off.  Our van is a few months from paid off.  We’ve started saving extra again toward our house goal again.  By the end of next year, we should have enough to either buy a cheap property or put a down payment on something good, I’ll have been at Gym almost four years, both the van and car notes will be gone, so I’m praying for patience. 

This week, Monday, started me full-time at the job I love (a dream job, never in my life did I believe I would find a job I love so much – thank you, Jesus!) and I’ve started having study times in the Bible with the girls.  Just Becky and Kimberly right now, but Jillian was listening too.  I want them to love Jesus and trust Him from day one.  I want them to learn from my mistakes so they can move farther and faster than I did.  I now finally understand what my Daddy meant by saying the one line he said he remembered from his Dad: “I don’t care if you are a street-sweeper; make sure you love what you do because you will have to wake up every day and do it with all your heart.”

My Daddy loved computer building and programming. 

I love children, writing, teaching, fitness, and encouraging – which makes coaching recreational gymnastics the perfect dream job for me!  I LOVE waking up to go to gym!  This is the first job I’ve had as an adult where I don’t have to pretend I enjoy it (you know, you can choose to enjoy something, but you can’t decide to love what you don’t really love) – and I am thankful and excited for this new phase in our lives!

I have decided to focus on family; doing less and loving more.

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Shattered

May 16, 2020

Shattered

Again. Shattered Again. This is what strikes my heart again. Of course, in the big scheme of things I realize, this is tiny. This isn’t losing a family member or going bankrupt. Logically, my brain tells me that this isn’t really a bad thing and there is likely a reason behind it, but still…

I can’t ignore the emotions that were tearing me apart when Louis said he got the email.

We never, NEVER, would have showed our children the new house (they’ve been calling it that) unless we were told it would happen.

We were told, based on incomes and expenses that it would happen. Our debt-to-income ratio (we know all that, studied before going to attempt for the loan. We had the credit scores above the requirement on the website, we’d done all our own figuring, we make three times what we would need for the maximum monthly payment!) We were told everything was good – we even asked over and over, is this really going to happen?

Well… of course, we lost income, BUT IT IS TEMPORARY!! Gym can open back MONDAY – two days from now! Are they only looking at one of my two incomes? Are they not looking at Louis’ income at all? I’m still working at the office! Louis is still working at uber.

WHERE IN THE EARTH did some loan person decide that she would NEVER once talk to me but CANCEL our documents because “they have zero income” when she didn’t even check? That’s a lie! That’s a stinking, irritating, hurtful, dream-shattering lie! We have lost income over the stupid COVID19 government shutdown garbage, who hasn’t? But to say that is permanent? It’s a bump in the road! A mortgage is 30 years!! Do you expect our income to never change in 30 years??????

We’ve not deferred ANYTHING… we’ve chosen to keep the down payment (yes, in the bank, safe and untouched!) and pay minimums on credit cards that we had to use for groceries, yes. Gym was forced to shutdown temporarily – between Monday and June 1st, I go back to work as soon as they open.

NOTHING has been late; not FPL, not our rent, not our van or car payment (we pay off the giant van payment in 4 months!)

Why is this hurting us? I thought this was responsibility? To keep the down payment, to choose to pay bills on time instead of ask for deferment, to pick up odd jobs to keep our income up while this stupid government decides to ruin our jobs and now – yes, shatter our dreams AGAIN!

Christina and Kimberly lost summer encampment, Christina, Becky, and Kimberly lost Passion Camp (this was the only summer they could all go together), the VBS they were looking forward to is canceled, they miss out on their gymnastics show, the girls are despising this whole zoom meeting garbage where they can’t talk and meet in person…

Becky said, “they can’t take our house, can they?”

It seems, one mortgage person can LIE and say we have no income while NEVER ONCE contacting or trying to contact me, Louis, or either of my bosses regarding our actual status of employment – and yes, deny us our house.

So while I understand that if someone takes the last 4 weeks of my paystubs and averages them over the course of a year, they will think we can’t make our payments; right now we are only missing about $200 a month (with the expected higher mortgage rate and this doesn’t count Louis’ income) – and we loose a $650 a month liability (paid off vehicle) in 4 months (so then just my income alone will cover our bills with more than $400 surplus!).

What really hurts is the LIES. I had to get this information from one lady we called because Louis got an email saying we no longer qualify and so have to pay a cancellation fee… ?????? Why can’t we at least get a courtesy call? No one ever asked? Not even a text. That’s seriously taking social distancing too extreme.

I hate that I took my children to see this place. I hate that I’m so gullible. I hate that I shared my dreams with others and now feel embarrassed that we even tried.

I am determined to at least speak to this person before I agree to pay for a lie.

I pray that God sets this up the way He wants it. I pray my emotions level (which, yes, after writing they always do) so I can speak calmly and rationally. I pray to see the good through this curtain of hurt. I so wanted to have those friends as neighbors, I really wanted to have Treaty Park as my backyard, but whatever; I should have known we will never make it to a real house.

Emotions are sometimes things we hide. I do. I try very hard not to let anyone see anything that isn’t positive. I try to be the mood lifter, not one who complains or cries or feels darkness. But I do. I feel darkness right now – like all my life I’ve dreamed of having a house where I could raise my children and grow trees that would shade my grandchildren – I know, silly. I saw a plan online that almost mirrored the house I’ve been building in my sketchbook all my life and even though we had to give up the place that was my first dream, I thought that if this all went through, it was a second shot at my dream. Next year would be too late: Christina wouldn’t be in that house. This faint hope rose to believe we’d have one season before Christina went to college. A place my teenagers wanted to be in.

These are raw emotions. We all have them. We all scream at the irrationality, lies, deception, cheating, or hurtful things that shove us or our loved ones into positions they don’t want to be in, shatter their dreams, or whatever.

We have to do what works to calm ourselves down and realize that God is in control; yes, even when someones lies and it shatters our dreams, it is just an opportunity for God to show us something better…

Anyway, I write to sort through my emotions; what do you do?

Thank you for reading.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Stepping Back

Stepping Back

February 23, 2020

My little love is one! I’m 37. We both had birthdays this week. This is the first birthday for one of my children that I missed.

I was on my way to a meeting at work when I got two adorable videos from Louis – my littlest baby, looking at her first birthday cupcake Grandma Joanne brought her while everyone sings “Happy Birthday” and her little toes wiggle happily.

I could have let that make me feel really blue. I almost did because I had a rather sour day at work that morning – I’m a perfectionist, should explain everything (right?)

As I watched that video three times, there were two voices in my head:

The first was saying things like: Aww how cute! How sweet that they took a video! She’s having so much fun!

The second jumped immediately on top with: You aren’t there. This is the first birthday cake you haven’t done with any child! You neglect her. You neglect them all. You work too much. You are missing your children’s lives. See how much you miss.

And the second voice doesn’t shut up!

I went through the meeting. That second voice was still screaming in the background on the way back to work: If you had any business sense, you could have been good at Beachbody like Katy, you could be a real author making a living at it, you could have sold makeup, you could still be at home. Why didn’t you…. You could have been… If only…

It boiled down to this: YOU ARE A FAILURE!

But I’m not!

I refocused. I took a deep breath and steadied myself on my way to gym – the voice tried again because my baby didn’t even come to gym on her birthday because Daddy and big sister kept her at home (she was pooped after birthday fun).

I am doing my best.

Most importantly, I allowed myself to step back and look at the bigger picture. That is really hard when voices – your own voices in your head – are screaming at you. Your logic tells you they are accurate! Your emotion agrees with them! All the parenting books you’ve read, teachers you’ve listened to, and “stats” you’ve seen about raising children all tell you the voices – the accusing second voices – are right. BUT NO!

Step back. I stepped back.

For 15 years, I’d been the one at home (yes, working from home too) to see the firsts. With Thea, Louis has been.

He said he loves the baby stage and is so thankful he isn’t missing all of it. He felt like he was never around for the others. I’m so happy he gets to be home in the morning/early afternoons in this season!

I had an awesome relationship with my Daddy. I want that for my children, especially my girls; for them to have an awesome relationship with their Daddy. Louis gets to spend more time with them.

I stepped back.

We have joint goals. We have family goals. A house that means a new start for us – rooms for everyone and more than 4 feet of counter space in the kitchen! We are accomplishing that!

I stepped back.

I LOVE my family, and they know this. Just because I work two jobs in this season doesn’t change that. We both got to go to Christina’s first University tour! (That wouldn’t have happened with other jobs!) We both get to go to the gymnastics show in May. We all get Sundays together as family days (that has never happened in our family lives – service industry doesn’t give up weekends!).

I took another deep breath. The accusing voice had stopped. This was because I started to mentally pray: thank you, Jesus, for this season of life you have us in. It may be hard, it may sometimes seem like too much, other people may think it’s too much, others may judge, my logic might be telling me it’s not a good place… but I am SO grateful for the season I’m in right now! I pray for guidance daily and until God says “let it go,” I’m holding on to the gifts (jobs) he’s given us. Thank you!

If your inner voices are ripping you apart…

Take a deep breath. Steady yourself. Step back. PRAY. Be grateful for what you have and pray for wisdom on what to allow to let go.

Listen to God’s heart.

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Memes to Voices

November 10, 2019

Memes to Voices

A friend was showing us her flower arrangements: she said, “expectation versus reality.” To me, both arrangements looked amazing – her husband had given her a few bunches of flowers which she artistically set in two gorgeous table arrangements.  She thought one was excellent and the other so-so.

Instantly my heart dipped backward in time.  In the time it took to blink, my brain chattered.

Expectation: University of Missouri Rolla’s aerospace engineering degree PHD

Reality: a two-year college plus a scam university for a BA in Business Administration with Healthcare Management that I’ve actually never used.

Expectation: 14-y-o dreams of my perfect 1996 jeep wrangler softtop with big black rollbars, a bike rack, removable doors, and my Lady (German Shepherd) hanging out in the passenger’s seat.

Reality: any paid off vehicle with enough capacity for everyone’s booties and our doggos works.

Expectation: an old fixer-upper, huge farmhouse style two or three story house sitting on at least 5 acres with established trees and room for animals and farming that my children could grow up in for their whole lives.

Reality: several homes we’ve bumped in and out of through all of Christina’s 16 years, each seems to be smaller and in worse condition than the last. This last one sent me to the hospital and messes with everyone’s breathing.  I can’t wait to leave.

This all flashes in my mind before my eyelids shut in the blink – isn’t that how fast the enemy attacks us?

I complement her beautiful arrangements, which are bright and absolutely lovely, I can’t see how she sees one as “not very good,” but then I’m not a flower arranger just a woman with a true appreciation of all growing things (maybe I’m secretly a hobbit).

Before I step back into the office though, the mental assault continues…

(Someone mentioned that this year was tough for them and I couldn’t possibly understand)

This year?  I lost my father, my Daddy, the professor who was always ready to delve into deep philosophical discussions and my Mary, my baby sister I was always supposed to protect.  It’s this year I find myself crying over clouds, sunrises, songs, scenes in movies, even lines in sermons.

BUT!

I stop it there.  I am a daughter of the King of Kings, I have been bought by my Savior’s blood, loved from when He knit me together in my mother’s womb, I have the power to renew my mind through God’s word!

I remind my mind: ever heard of Joseph, Moses, David, Paul?  They didn’t get exactly what they wanted in life – their expectation didn’t match their reality, but God gave them better!

I combat those “expectation” teases with:

Reality: I came to Saint Augustine because I missed UMR’s 80% scholarship by 10 SAT points! God directed me to my amazing life!

Reality: who cares what vehicle you drive as long as it gets from point A to point B?

Reality: we have always had a roof over our heads.

Reality: I am thankful!  I love my life – all the crazy, wild facets of it!  I am super thankful that I followed God’s nudges in pivotal points in my life that led me to this wonderful time I am now at.  I pray that He continually places me where I can touch others, reach more people for Him, impress on my children’s hearts, and be used of Him as He wills.  I have totally surrendered to Jesus.  I trust God’s will in my life.

You know why?  He knows me way better than I know myself.  I can’t imagine life without Louis – in two years, I will have spent half of my life knowing Louis. He is my best friend, confidante, cheerleader, and life partner.  I love being connected to my “soul mate!” I can’t imagine life without any of my children, nieces, nephews, or gym girls!  I am so thankful that God sees me fit to witness to them, encourage them, and build into them.

I’m human.  My own voice is the worst danger to my mind.  But I have the power to renew my mind by reminding myself of the good things God has given us and of the promises in His Word – He will never leave us.  All things work together for good.  Thank you Jesus for leading my life journey and please keep my eyes always on You despite what my mind tries to say.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Kimberly and her Birthday Twin

August 30, 2019

Kimberly and her Birthday Twin

Louis & I decided to join the church we have been attending.  After attending a newcomers class, we brought home our study books and Kimberly looked over it.  (Our purpose was to let Christina and Becky look over it.  I wasn’t expecting Kimberly just yet.)  Kimberly has been using the month-long study guides our church publishes for about four months as Bible study & cursive writing practice. 

“I want to be baptized.” Kimberly announces. 

That began some serious Socratic questioning to find out what she really understood and believed.  I mentioned that it wasn’t required just because we were joining.  Kimberly was adamant.  She said she’d been considering it a long time and wanted to show everyone she was really a Christian. 

So, my little third daughter decided to get baptized.  Our Pastor met with her, went through the same questions (He likes to make sure the young person understands what they are doing), and allowed she could be baptized.  I was so buried that I didn’t realize she’d been able to meet up and get the okay until Saturday! 

My word, though, the emotions that flooded my heart, realizing this was real to Kimberly.  She’s been delving into a lot of deep questions over the last few months with me.  Then to hear your child explain to you what Jesus means to them – I love to hear their words straight from their heart.  Kimberly is a young woman.  I call them “women-in-training” at this point. 

If you are a mom, imagine the moment you look into your newborn’s eyes for the first time.  That adrenaline rush and flood of emotions is what courses through me when I see my child publicly announce their faith.  I can’t help but feel like I’m soaring, looking at a future where she is connected to God through her own personal faith; I pray Kimberly allows herself to listen and trust the voice of God.  I pray for strength to grow in the one relationship that will never fail her.  I try, but it’s hard to put those maternal feelings into words because I can say I am excited, proud, blessed, etc., but that doesn’t capture the rapture of my soul at that moment. 

My little girl chose Jesus.  My young woman is choosing to begin a life-long relationship with Jesus based on her own journey of discovery. 

That is my longstanding prayer for each of my children and those I love; that they come to know a true relationship with the one who created them and loved them since before I knew they existed. 

We get home, have our “technology-free” family day, and I open my Facebook to see if my mom or sisters sent a message – to find that my oldest niece got baptized on the same day! 

“Guys,” (no shame, I’m so happy I’m crying again – all three teen/preteens look at me like I’m odd) “guess who got baptized today too!”

Christina – “if you say Livy…”

Kimberly – “Seriously?  Who do I share a birthday with!”

“Yes, Livy!” And I show them their uncle’s post.  Kimberly is jumping with excitement now.  “We are sisters in blood and sisters in faith!  We are birthday twins!” (They don’t call each other “cousins” but instead “sister-cousins” or “brother-cousins” and sometimes just “sister” or “brother.”  Lucas always calls Liam, Isaac, and JJ his “brothers.”)

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Relax and Rest

June 13, 2018

Relax and Rest

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with thoughts.  I feel like my mind is going to blow a fuse (or already has blown through a few and I’m on the last one, staring at an empty box and praying this one holds).

I’ve taught myself that when I start to feel concerned for the future, I stop, hand it to God, and refocus on the present.  Usually that involves song.  Sometimes, it just involves quiet.

In nature is my quiet place.  At a beach, at a park, walking through a forest, or just sitting in my backyard watching the dragonflies dance around in their pursuit of mosquitoes while birdsongs, crickets, chicken noises, and guinea pig squeals form a nature symphony.  (Okay, maybe more like a rock concert or a three-year-old on the kazoo, but still, it’s relaxing to me.)

I think that’s why God tells us to rest in Him and cast your cares (aka worries) on Him.

He knows we have to recharge (relax) our minds in order to have good mental health.  (Interesting, isn’t it, how God mentions lots of things in the Bible about health that science later proves is true?)

When I observe nature, I can’t help but notice how perfectly God made everything to work together cohesively in its environment.  We are made with a unique purpose in our environment.  We can’t be our best in our purpose if we are super stressed and worried.

Relaxing can be different for each person and each time.  I can relax laughing with Becky while playing a video game, writing a blog in the backyard, reading my Bible on the front porch, singing along to music, baby-surfing with Lucas, or walking through a Florida trail trying to spy different wildlife.  Just reminding myself that the problems of the future are in God’s hands and if I can’t fix it now, I just need to rest from worry and trust Him: that is relaxing.

God understands my mind, my heart, and my desires.  He knows what relaxes me, what stresses me, and why my triggers get set off.  He is the quiet voice reminding me that I need to lay a train track with Lucas, help Becky name the new hens, watch lizards with Jillian, or just sit on the ground and look up.  I constantly remind myself that I need to live in the present – pay attention to today because I won’t get another one.  Once the day is gone, it is yesterday; while it is here, it is a present God has given us to enjoy.

Enjoy your present and rest in God’s love.

Thanks for reading!

Type at you next time…

~Nancy Tart

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