Tag: hurt

As Happy As your Least Happy Child

As Happy As your Least Happy Child

A time-warp story from June 21, 2023

At church I heard something that made me laugh and shake my head.  The laugh was total irony.  It was a stab of truth.  “You are only as happy as your least happy child, and if you have a quiver full, sometimes you may be both happy and sad at the same time.” 

I laughed inside because the three days before this Sunday and that particular morning, I had been feeling stabbed repeatedly by three teenagers.  Periodically the younger ones would take turns deciding to pretend to be just like them and that was not encouraging.  

I wondered about that saying.  When the girls wound my heart with unthinking words or “mean” things, I have to remind myself of something I learned a while back that helps: people tend to show their innermost feelings like aggression, anger, desperation, irritation in a place they feel safe because humans in their deepest parts fear rejection.  When they know you won’t reject them or stop loving them, they feel safe and as such, end up showing their “worst side” to you.  

I understand that their sharp words or actions are reflecting something hurting them.  I will often try to find that something; usually not at that time as experience has taught me that when I say, “are you okay?” or “what’s bothering you?” when they are upset, I usually get a snapped, “nothing!” or “you!” which doesn’t help.  I’ll often try to broach the “what is hurting you?” question in a less explosive time.  Sometimes, it’s something small that felt huge at the time.  Other times it’s something that needs more discussion.  

But always, when I they hurt my heart with words, I pray for theirs and now remember something else: it is true that my smile can be on for Thea and I’m happily talking about her make believe lego world while we build our respective houses but my heart is sad because I know the “snap” was really something hurting their heart.  So yes, there’s a part of my heart that is always feeling the hurt from my least happy child even though another part is engaging with smiles at another – sometimes there’s four or five of us in a game yet one’s hurting; I totally feel those “both feelings at the same time.”   

I wondered about God and how we hurt his heart yet He always loves us.  He knows when we are hurting but unlike mothers and fathers, who don’t always know what is in the heart of their child, God knows our heart and sees everything within us.  Thank you, God, for loving us!  Thank you for giving us a heart for our children!  

Thank you for reading.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

God! Help!

January 5, 2021

God! Help!

This blog is for those moms, big sisters, teachers, coaches, etc. who have ever raised their hands up in the sky and demanded with tears streaming down their eyes, “God! Help!”

If you’ve never done that, please leave the rest of us in our private knowledge of complete crazy… nothing to see or read here… Thank you.

Now that I’m addressing those of you, who like me, know that they only get through life with God’s routine and very often injections of aid: understand that you are really, really not alone!

There are way more of us out here than you know.

But people don’t always see that. Still. That doesn’t mean we don’t completely loose it and at least internally… SCREAM for HELP!

Ever had a friend compliment you by saying, “wow, you were so calm.”

Your mind goes, “um.. what????” And you realize that only God saw your frantic desperate prayers as you grabbed napkins, wiped up your child’s blood trying not to freak out at her big sister’s just-started party while on your way to meet said child in the bathroom with unknown injury as you realize another daughter is already cleaning more blood (MORE BLOOD?? God, let me not scare her, make me calm.) on a gym mat. You realize that the frantic prayers were interpreted as deep breaths – thank you Jesus for oxygen and working lungs! Said child cries and you are thinking, “God, this injury is serious, help me!” but when you clean it and she whines, “I don’t want to go home! I want to play with my friends!”

Then there’s the serious prayer as you fight the urge of laughter-that-borders-on-insanity, “God, give me patience with this child!”

Bloody head wound clean. Check.

Bleeding stopped. Crisis averted. Check.

10,000+ frantic “God, you better help me” prayers in the span of 45 seconds while dealing with said child who doesn’t see that this is an INJURY and wants to GET BACK UP AND START FLIPPING! Double check.

Super glue, band-aid, and the older kids are like, “do we need to go?” Decision time. (This was supposed to be a food party & dinner & home is 45 minutes away plus party will be over & have to pick up actual party-goer in about 2 hours.) Stay.

Instant heart attack what feels like 5 seconds later when said injured child is about to show off her routine on bars – “DO YOU WANT TO LIVE TO ADULTHOOD??” (No, I didn’t scream that.)

But. I WANTED TO!! Instead it was “GOD HELP ME!” in my frantic brain while I think I may have jumped the knee wall to grab said child and firmly direct her back to my table in a solid seat (DID YOU REALLY JUST LEAN THAT FOLDING CHAIR ON TWO LEGS!!!???) beside me to watch her. Calm. Breathe. “GOD! HELP ME!” (Of course, that was a mental scream again.)

End the frantic night. (Thank you, Jesus!)

I’m laying in bed, praying that her head heals well and there’s no infection. Reading Proverbs for whatever chapter the day was (you know, when you can’t think of anything but Proverbs has a chapter for every day in the month?), I came across timeless wisdom that basically said (my brain translated the words to the following, it is NOT a direct quote:), “give everything to God and know that you aren’t perfect without Him.”

Truth.

Give over my worries. Give over my fears. In. Real. Time.

If I just write it on paper (or type it in a blog), that’s just words. What shows that I do trust God is in real time. When my toddlers decides to tilt her head back and scream bloody murder with a huge smirk because I’m on the phone. (PATIENCE, PLEASE!) When my boy is annoying his sisters for the bazillionth time in one minute. (Please, God, don’t let them kill him.) When an attack comes and it feels like the life-breath from my lungs is being sucked out by a giant vacuum. (Calm. Breathe. God. Help. Me.)

This is trusting in real time.

This is choosing to know that I cannot do anything without Jesus.

This is knowing that with Jesus I ca do all things. I can breathe. I can parent. I can mother. I can coach. I can love. Without Him, I can’t do any of those things.

So, yes, I know I’m imperfect. (I’m FAR from perfect!)

But…

I trust in the perfect one. I ask Him for help daily (um… thousands of times a day, in every situation I get stuck in!) and He answers with comfort, ideas, calm, and love.

Take a breath. Breathe in Jesus, breathe out, breathe in love, breathe out; now face your challenge! (As I hear a squeal from the kitchen followed by a crash… doesn’t sound like anything broke… “MOM!”) God, they are your children; HELP ME! I need to parent them to lead them to You, show me how.

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

P.S.: Those who were there, yes, I was freaking out inside. Yes, she is okay and nothing left to point at proudly and say “look what happened to me!”

Sunsets and Rainbows

What I see in sunsets and rainbows!

November 13, 2020

Sunsets and Rainbows

Sometimes when you want to feel amazed, just look up. Seriously. Up at the sunrise or for me at work – the sunset. The sunsets over the intersection of interstate 95 and International Golf Parkway are amazing. It often happens with a bold artist palette of vivid colors like deep purple, bright blue, orange, yellow, pink, and red. Because this is Florida, we often have moisture in the sky (aka raindrops) that hide clear rainbows in the opposite side of the sky.

I’ve seen more double rainbows outside the doors of my gym than everywhere else combined. God’s promise of mercy.

When sunsets come, they remind me of the awesome things God has given us that all too often we brush off. It also reminds me to slow down. I have to take the time to enjoy the blessings I’ve been given rather than race through life as if being chased. I’m not being chased by anything! I’m in an amazing point of my life where I’ve stopped chasing the pipe-dream of home ownership and realized that it really doesn’t matter. I’ve been able to slow down and enjoy. I love the job I have! (stepping outside to see sunsets and rainbows is definitely a sweet bonus) I get to work around smiling, happy faces, hopefully instill confidence, positive work ethic, determination, and excitement in the hearts of the children I am honored to coach, encourage my coworkers as they encourage me, and watch my children grow in skill and confidence (and getting to see them every break is tremendous)!

I have chosen to focus on relationships. I am trying to connect with my family and friends at every opportunity. I want my children to understand the importance of relationship with encouraging believers.

I have chosen to focus on writing again (my computer that was fixed ended up with the cable to the display being pinched by the metal bracket that supports the display because it was moved when “repaired” and now the cable is shorted… so back to borrowed computers until I can repair it myself). I felt such a surge of writing energy – going from less than 5,000 words to over 22,000 in only one story in just a few off days since it was repaired? Wow, I feel like God has opened my creativity again. Despite computer issues, I will be writing!

I sold one ebook through Amazon! First sale in over a year, so that’s positive!

My boss has graciously let me put up a display of real books at her ProShop (At least 50% of sales price gets donated to the gym program!) and I am supposed to have illustrators (*clears throat*) working on drawings for my children’s books.

At this point, I’m trying to study my children, show them how I depend on Jesus, study my husband more so I can love him better, and develop or water friendships I cherish with my sisters, brothers, and friends. We’ve been able to get Becky’s braces, get Christina’s adult dental stuff started, we discovered Kimberly needed glasses & got those, and are planning to start Jillian’s and finish Lucas’ dental needs too. God is providing as we need it. Provision will come. “Give us this day our daily bread.”

Rainbows remind me of mercy.

Remember before the flood there was no rain? All the world was watered from the ground. Mists, fog, who knows, but the Bible says “the water rose up from the ground” to water the Earth. So imagine Noah and his family – they had never seen a rainbow! NEVER. This was a first for them. It was recorded as God setting His rainbow in the sky as a promise to every living thing on Earth that He would never again destroy the whole Earth by water.

That is mercy. Mercy is showing undeserved favor. Parenting teaches mercy on a whole new level.

Consider when someone is saying and doing things to cut you down constantly, hurting others you love, cutting deep into the hearts of you and those you love with their words, irritated with life but taking it out on you as if it is your fault, doing things and saying things that hurts them, etc. This irritates and saddens you. You love them still. You can’t stop loving them. You carried them and prayed for them and watched them be birthed and loved and cared for them and slowly watch them grow. You know you have to slowly release them and you hate yourself because you feel they aren’t ready but this is where you have to let go and trust God.

This is where you understand mercy. Love when you are undeserving.

You then see that is how Jesus sees you. You hurt His heart with some choices and actions or words. You hurt yourself. You hurt those He loves. You pull away when He is trying to patiently guide you yet it feels wrong or you decide to follow another. You do not deserve His love. You deserve judgement for those you have hurt. Yet Jesus showers us with mercy; new mercies each morning.

This is what rainbows show me.

My heart still hurts for the pains I feel my teens are feeling. I wish I could get them to talk openly and listen as openly. I wish I could once again kiss the hurt and it go away – but that doesn’t work anymore. They now need to allow Jesus to wrap His arms around them and comfort them. They need to allow Jesus to lead them and guide them.

I have to love them.

I also have to protect the hearts of my younger ones. Yes, sometimes from the words or actions of an older sibling. That really hurts.

I’m not going to kick them out of my house and never out of my heart; just as Jesus has not kicked me away and has loved me through all of my mistakes. I need Jesus’ mercy every day.

Rainbows remind me of this.

Thank you, Jesus, for sunsets and rainbows. Thank you that we get to see them almost daily. Thank you for love, mercy, and forgiveness. Thank you that you teach me daily in this task called parenting.

Thank you for reading!

~Nancy Tart

Shattered

May 16, 2020

Shattered

Again. Shattered Again. This is what strikes my heart again. Of course, in the big scheme of things I realize, this is tiny. This isn’t losing a family member or going bankrupt. Logically, my brain tells me that this isn’t really a bad thing and there is likely a reason behind it, but still…

I can’t ignore the emotions that were tearing me apart when Louis said he got the email.

We never, NEVER, would have showed our children the new house (they’ve been calling it that) unless we were told it would happen.

We were told, based on incomes and expenses that it would happen. Our debt-to-income ratio (we know all that, studied before going to attempt for the loan. We had the credit scores above the requirement on the website, we’d done all our own figuring, we make three times what we would need for the maximum monthly payment!) We were told everything was good – we even asked over and over, is this really going to happen?

Well… of course, we lost income, BUT IT IS TEMPORARY!! Gym can open back MONDAY – two days from now! Are they only looking at one of my two incomes? Are they not looking at Louis’ income at all? I’m still working at the office! Louis is still working at uber.

WHERE IN THE EARTH did some loan person decide that she would NEVER once talk to me but CANCEL our documents because “they have zero income” when she didn’t even check? That’s a lie! That’s a stinking, irritating, hurtful, dream-shattering lie! We have lost income over the stupid COVID19 government shutdown garbage, who hasn’t? But to say that is permanent? It’s a bump in the road! A mortgage is 30 years!! Do you expect our income to never change in 30 years??????

We’ve not deferred ANYTHING… we’ve chosen to keep the down payment (yes, in the bank, safe and untouched!) and pay minimums on credit cards that we had to use for groceries, yes. Gym was forced to shutdown temporarily – between Monday and June 1st, I go back to work as soon as they open.

NOTHING has been late; not FPL, not our rent, not our van or car payment (we pay off the giant van payment in 4 months!)

Why is this hurting us? I thought this was responsibility? To keep the down payment, to choose to pay bills on time instead of ask for deferment, to pick up odd jobs to keep our income up while this stupid government decides to ruin our jobs and now – yes, shatter our dreams AGAIN!

Christina and Kimberly lost summer encampment, Christina, Becky, and Kimberly lost Passion Camp (this was the only summer they could all go together), the VBS they were looking forward to is canceled, they miss out on their gymnastics show, the girls are despising this whole zoom meeting garbage where they can’t talk and meet in person…

Becky said, “they can’t take our house, can they?”

It seems, one mortgage person can LIE and say we have no income while NEVER ONCE contacting or trying to contact me, Louis, or either of my bosses regarding our actual status of employment – and yes, deny us our house.

So while I understand that if someone takes the last 4 weeks of my paystubs and averages them over the course of a year, they will think we can’t make our payments; right now we are only missing about $200 a month (with the expected higher mortgage rate and this doesn’t count Louis’ income) – and we loose a $650 a month liability (paid off vehicle) in 4 months (so then just my income alone will cover our bills with more than $400 surplus!).

What really hurts is the LIES. I had to get this information from one lady we called because Louis got an email saying we no longer qualify and so have to pay a cancellation fee… ?????? Why can’t we at least get a courtesy call? No one ever asked? Not even a text. That’s seriously taking social distancing too extreme.

I hate that I took my children to see this place. I hate that I’m so gullible. I hate that I shared my dreams with others and now feel embarrassed that we even tried.

I am determined to at least speak to this person before I agree to pay for a lie.

I pray that God sets this up the way He wants it. I pray my emotions level (which, yes, after writing they always do) so I can speak calmly and rationally. I pray to see the good through this curtain of hurt. I so wanted to have those friends as neighbors, I really wanted to have Treaty Park as my backyard, but whatever; I should have known we will never make it to a real house.

Emotions are sometimes things we hide. I do. I try very hard not to let anyone see anything that isn’t positive. I try to be the mood lifter, not one who complains or cries or feels darkness. But I do. I feel darkness right now – like all my life I’ve dreamed of having a house where I could raise my children and grow trees that would shade my grandchildren – I know, silly. I saw a plan online that almost mirrored the house I’ve been building in my sketchbook all my life and even though we had to give up the place that was my first dream, I thought that if this all went through, it was a second shot at my dream. Next year would be too late: Christina wouldn’t be in that house. This faint hope rose to believe we’d have one season before Christina went to college. A place my teenagers wanted to be in.

These are raw emotions. We all have them. We all scream at the irrationality, lies, deception, cheating, or hurtful things that shove us or our loved ones into positions they don’t want to be in, shatter their dreams, or whatever.

We have to do what works to calm ourselves down and realize that God is in control; yes, even when someones lies and it shatters our dreams, it is just an opportunity for God to show us something better…

Anyway, I write to sort through my emotions; what do you do?

Thank you for reading.

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Little Cuties

Some of my odd deep thoughts on animals, their importance in children’s lives, and the responsibility and love they teach.

February 16, 2019

Little Cuties

Becky is in love (again)!  Every time there’s a new baby animal around our little farm, Becky falls in love with it.

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This time, it’s our little Guinea Piglets.  This one, named “Grizzly,” is a female who we get to keep (she gets to stay on our little farm)!

So Becky has been making cute little pictures, drawings, and plans for this cute little piglet.  She is a mottled brown color all over with a sweet disposition. (I’m waiting for a video haha!)

All of our piglets and baby animals end up with sweet, loving, friendly dispositions because they are raised by loving caretakers!  The girls make this a solid priority!  No one can mistreat any of the animals in their care, not even by accident.  Lucas wants to play with the babies as soon as they are born, but because he doesn’t know his own strength, he has to wait until they are old enough to not get squished!  (Or has Christina, Mom, or Dad with him.)

Their little piglets are never nippers.  They love to cuddle instead of bite.  What usually causes piglets to be biters is that they have been scared as babies.  If they think fingers are poking tools, they will bite them.  If they know fingers as gentle places to snuggle and get petted, they snuggle instead.  The girls make sure to teach their piglets that fingers are gentle!

Just like in our lives, our experiences shape who we are!  Often, if we feel scared or hurt, we draw ourselves into isolation and distrust others.  If we feel love and affection, we feel safe enough to be ourselves and trust others.

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Where a snuggly, loving animal is, there is a loving caretaker.

In life, we are expected to shower those we are responsible for with affection and keep them safe.  The same as when we are caretaking animals.

I think raising animals is a vital part of growing up; it teaches children responsibility.  It also teaches them a basic understanding of how their influence on others reflects back.  Goodness returns goodness.  Gentleness breeds gentleness.  Love reflects love.  God gave us the animals to tend and love – just as some of us will eventually lead and influence people (parents, teachers, leaders, co-workers, etc.).  Early life lessons from these cute, furry little creatures who are so dependent on their caretakers help to mold a caring tender heart from whom compassion grows.

(Okay, maybe that’s a little too deep of a thought from watching children tend animals, but it’s what I see.)

Thanks for reading!

Type at you later…

~Nancy Tart

 

 

 

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