March 13, 2021
I’m Fine (don’t go deep)
You know, someone says politely, “How are you today?”
Preprogrammed for courtesy, we reply automatically, “I’m fine.”
But are you really “fine?”
Or does that really mean, “I’m hurting, but don’t ask?”
In our society, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of pretending we are okay. Of pretending there is nothing behind our mask distorting our inner soul or crushing our heart or making rivers of silent tears run. We bottle up the true emotions we are feeling and hide them safely where no one can touch them.
Where no one can judge us.
Where no one can think we are imperfect.
Why do we want to appear perfect? Why is it not okay to show vulnerability? Why is a parenting question suddenly turned into an accusation that we are not fit to be a parent? Why is a question about how to handle an emotion turned into an accusation that we are depressed? Why must we instantly judge others instead of allow them to safely talk through their emotions? Can’t we all admit that sometimes we are angry? Irritated with a coworker? Disappointed with a child? Frustrated by a situation? Unsure about feelings? Can’t we all admit that we are not perfect?
When we comprehend the full meaning of the word “Forgiveness” we can choose not to judge others or ourselves.
Forgiveness is love.
Forgiveness understands that we listen and let it go. Forgiveness understands we are all imperfect. Forgiveness doesn’t consistently remind a person of a previous failing. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge. Forgiveness doesn’t gossip. When you find someone who truly understands forgiveness, treasure that true friend! Strive to be that friend yourself.
I process emotion by writing because I can’t always be talking with someone who will just listen. I’d love for there to be a portal like in Star Trek where I can say, “beam me to” and instantly be at my best friend’s house so we can discuss mutual struggles and listen to each others’ individual issues without judging.
I understand forgiveness. She understands forgiveness. We both understand that sometimes just admitting to another human that we are human is enough to help us work through our challenges. This I think is the essence of the verse where it says “iron sharpening iron;” we are to listen, encourage, and edify. We are to speak the truth in love. We are to listen with love. My Daddy used to say, “God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wants us to listen more than we speak.” I still twist back to “To Kill a Mockingbird” and Atticus telling Scout that in order to understand a man you have to listen well, put on his shoes, wiggle your toes around, and walk a ways with him.
Listen.
Don’t judge.
Be quick to forgive and slow to wrath.
When I feel overwhelmed, I pray. I sometimes wish I could just talk to an understanding friend. I don’t like facades. I don’t like pretending I’m okay. Yes, I understand that God is in control and that everything will turn out in a way to glorify Him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to ask rhetorical questions that I already have answers to just to help my brain process the thoughts or emotions within. My feelings are real. They are valid. I know how to make my mind calm and to cast all my worries on Jesus. My desire to discuss my emotions with another honest human is not agreeing that I don’t trust; it’s admitting that I’m human and don’t want the festering hidden thoughts to poison my mind.
In my Devonians world, the adults talk as if they have no fear of each other. They ask questions and advice of each other. They admit to fault. They don’t pretend to know everything. They act the way I feel. They are the epitome of what I imagine we were made to be. Honest humans who discuss feelings and help each other. Of course, that’s fiction. But using that world and the characters within it help me to put my questions to a nonjudgmental audience – I basically have them discuss things that sometimes never make it to my books so I can understand my own mind and heart. Crazy? Yes. Truth? Yes.
I miss my Daddy the most when I am overwhelmed. Even though I still pretended I was fine all the time, I could get him to discuss theoretical issues with me or book scenarios that moved my mind to a happier place.
Like music. Loud, fast music that I can sing to. (Can’t sing anymore but my hope is that someday my voice and lungs will heal and I’ll be able to sing again. Thea’s never heard me sing a song that doesn’t sound like a dying chicken.)
How are you? What do you need to talk about? Or as Philip usually asks Jamie in Little Thief, “what is it you don’t want to talk about?” – because he knows his little brother better than anyone else… He is an understanding friend.
I encourage you to find a true friend with whom you can discuss anything that is troubling you. Someone who will listen to your heart. Someone to whom you can listen. Listen, encourage, and pray together. Build each other up instead of tear each other down.
Sharpen each other!
Type at you next time,
~Nancy Tart
