Once upon a time, a girl sat curled up in her father’s big gray armchair in his study in her favorite house. She was reading her favorite of the six or seven of Dr. James Dobson’s parenting books her father had on the shelf underneath all the amazing Lawhead and Brooks books with enticing names like “In the Hall of the Dragon King” and “Taliesin.”
“Children at Risk” was her favorite because it focused on the parent improving their lives through Jesus’ help in order to pass their faith on to their children. It was her favorite because for three years, she had been rereading it to help her understand how to pray for and lead her siblings. One song when she was ten and her father’s comment of, “God made you their big sister just like I’m your father,” led her on this journey.
Her dream was to be an author whose stories made people reach for Jesus. Her purpose has been to pour into children.
From as early as she could volunteer, she chose to be a volunteer Sunday School or VBS teacher. She loved teaching and started with tutoring her siblings, friends, and eventually other children. She tried to end up being a school teacher; life led her a different way. Every twist led to the next turn. It was the journey…
It’s true; no one ever returns from a journey. They continue into a new part of the journey. Trips you return from. Life isn’t a trip; it is a journey of mind, heart, soul, and spirit.
This stage of her journey is year twenty of being a wife, year nineteen or being a mother, year fourteen of being a homeschooling family, year four as a gymnastics coach – currently preschool, and year two of kids’ ministry small group leader.
In each stage and with each passing year, she chooses to be thankful.
Of course, “she” is me.
I’ve learned to enjoy each stage as it happens. This isn’t just with my children as they grow but with my “stages” as well. I am allowing Jesus to continually work on me; I’m a constant work in progress. My Daddy used to say if he ever stopped learning, his brain would go stagnant and he’d laugh. I love that thought. We are forever a work in progress!
What do you instantly presume based on a look? This cup, for example:
January 7, 2021
Judgments
It starts with this cup:
Judgement – instantly you either love or hate me, but you also immediately assume I spent $3 to $5 on the “coffee” I’m drinking.
Actually, I’ve never bought Starbucks. This cup? Well, I’m love my meal shake “cafe latte” hot and I’m a mom so that means 10x trips to the microwave… this cup’s predecessor two years ago was green and white and was perfect for the serving size and microwavable!! I hate waste. That green and white cup was destined for the trash… I saved it, sanitized it, and used it for almost 14 months. This cup was also someone else’s discarded trash.
Now, knowing that, you are either grossed out that I take trash, wash it, and claim it, saying “better you than me,” or you are applauding my penny-pinching way of getting exactly what I want and saving the landfill at the same time.
Isn’t it crazy how we judge?
Someone in the food bank line driving a really sweet immaculate older model Jaguar wearing a tailored suit jacket, $400 eyeglass frames, and a Rolex. You can choose to judge, “what is he here for?” or “he could sell the car (watch, frames, jacket) for money,” or whatever thought because you feel he shouldn’t be there.
Step in his shoes. Did you know he’s a former businessman whose life savings went into a dream business in fall of 2019 – just a small operation that employed 27 people. His jacket? It’s the same one he wore to his retirement party years ago. He has sold all the others. His eyeglass frames? Those were his late wife’s. He gets his prescription put in them for sentimental reasons. His Rolex look-alike? Inscribed with “to my love; come home safe; Christmas 1969” he received it in the spring of 1970 in Vietnam. His car? He takes care of it and cleans it himself – he’s had it for 22 years. The dealership won’t even give him $500 for it without locking him into a new loan he can’t afford; it is a cheap used car. He chooses to keep his employees at work but is falling deeper and deeper in debt so yes, he stretches his food budget with the weekly box from the food bank.
Have you ever read “To Kill a Mockingbird?” That book is an excellent tool for teaching you how to always treat everyone with kindness and consideration. Atticus teaches his children, and the reader, how not to make hasty judgments. Jem actually judges people and in his thoughts and conversations with Scout, he professes what Scout is thinking; they learn how their quick surface judgments are most often wrong.
Since I’ve read that book as a youngster, I decided to leave the judging to God. I strive to treat everyone with kindness. I strive to kick the judgmental thoughts from my mind before they affect my heart or bleed into my words.
Another great book for that end is “The Shack.”
In both instances I referenced, the book is far more poignant than the film, but the films do a decent job of getting the point across.
Treat others with kindness. Leave the judging to God. He alone knows the heart. Can our sour swift judgments harm? Yes. If we are to be the feet and hands of Jesus, we also need to speak his words to others and in our own hearts. When we allow own hearts to be poisoned by our own sour thoughts we allow ourselves to make hasty judgments, in turn we make poor decisions and usually harm others. We are putting a stumbling block in front of them! This is not how we are supposed to love.
As parents, we also need to avoid making hasty judgments about our children. We may know their hearts, sure. But what good can come of judging without listening? Always ask. Always talk. Always be available for them to speak to you. Your children do know your heart based on what you have shown them during their life – they need you to be a safe place for them to express feelings and emotions and speak troubles. This needs to start from the beginning and continue even when it is hard.
My father was always open where I could talk about anything with him. He guided me through dating and the first few weeks of engagement, he encouraged me to search for character traits, gave me logical wisdom as I relayed scenarios and answers, and offered questions for me to ask that led my fiancé and I into deep discussions where we discovered each other’s hearts. We came to understand our religious, political, family, and deep convictions through soul-baring conversation and intimately know each other.
I am forever thankful for the few months of guidance that led me to understand my future husband. I wanted to be someone my children could come talk to without fear, like my father had. I hope my children always understand that my love for them will never change. I will try to guide them. I will listen. I always try to listen first. I have a fix-it mentality though, which makes it a struggle to just listen when I care about someone and want to help them.
I have to learn, still, that people don’t always want help. They want ears to listen to their heart.
This is treating others with kindness.
Avoiding preconceived judgments (back to my iconic cup).
Listening without judging.
Praying before speaking.
Hearing without repeating (aka no gossiping).
Loving as Christ does.
If I am to be His hands and feet, I need to be his ears and mouth as well. I need to leave judging to God.
(Hope this encourages you as much as writing it encouraged me.)
What comes to mind? A parenting book I read when I was twelve (yes, oldest sibling perks!) said something like “the child’s view of God as a Father is directly impacted by their experience with their Earthly Father.”
Yes. So true.
I went into parenthood knowing this. (Songs like “He Wants to be Like Me” reaffirmed this giant responsibility.)
A Father is often the humor of the family too – in the photo, Louis had climbed to the top of the stump and challenged “Come Get Me!” … notice all the kids following!
Despite the failures that I’ve made as a Mom and that I felt repercussions of from my parents (they were AWESOME parents, but they weren’t perfect) – I understand the crux of all parenting: we are human. We (Parents) are not Jesus and are not perfect.
Bingo.
That awesome thing called grace collaborates with the huge responsibility of parenting to create a vulnerable, praying, God-dependant parent capable of teaching the amazing love and grace of Jesus through their own transparency.
Let’s face it: most of the American culture makes fun of fathers. (Ever seen the Goofy Salute to Fatherhood?) Even as early as the 1950s when there was still a bit of a patriarchal society present, cartoons and movies started to depict fathers as lazy, goofy, clueless bunglers who often caused more problems than they solved.
Although I laughed along with my Daddy at a lot of these early shots at the masculine father, I understood the bulk of media still left you understanding that the love and bond of a father to child was the glue of a family. The unsung hero always was the silent sure strength of the God-following Father.
As time inched forward, the media continued to turn the American Father into a non-essential entity.
The opposite is true!
I consider myself a strong, independent woman when it comes to my life. I am a Christian woman, but one of my strongest battles with myself is submission – first to my father, then to Jesus, and later to my husband. I know this though… I CANNOT be the mother I am without the encouragement and support from my husband.
If I had to do motherhood without my husband being my ultimate cheerleader and sounding board, I would have realized how unfit I am about three months into the first child. I have the ultimate respect for people whose life circumstances have forced them to navigate parenthood alone. I try to be an encourager to them and help those single parents in any way I can because I cannot imagine myself having that strength.
I am excited to be around my husband! I was on a softball team (church, yes, I’m an athletic maniac but wasn’t on an actual team until I was in my late 20s and it was just for one season with my church family). Louis was working sometimes 100+ hours a week for our family at the time. The company I had just closed. He’d never made it to any of our games (I took all the kids with me; they loved it and hung out with their friends & some of the church ladies who came to encourage us bounced my baby around). One day he showed up and I was so excited! (I was told I squealed like a little girl; don’t remember exactly.) I love walking with him. I am excited when we do something as a family – or when he’s going somewhere and says, “hey want to go with me?” Because I know he likes his alone time. I get way too much alone time at my office – I relish gym coaching because of the other encouraging women I work for and with and the chattering children I love. I will chatter way too much sometimes.
Our church sermon was on how Fathers aren’t perfect (only Jesus is) and how their honesty and relationship is their connection with their children. It’s the way to disciple. We aren’t perfect, our children aren’t perfect – bingo! Common ground.
I know how important real, honest, God-fearing Fathers are to the fabric of our family. I know how hard it is to buck the media’s garbage portrayal of our roles and follow God’s plan instead. I am so thankful that I have a husband who is pursuing God’s heart. His passion for Jesus makes him a better husband, a better father, and a better friend. He helps encourage me to pursue God’s heart. (Told you I’m competitive.) He isn’t perfect, but he is constantly improving. A challenge arises and he rises above it. He’s always leading in love and with a determined drive that is totally contagious. His passion for Jesus, life, and family (okay, and sports) is encouraging.
And he doesn’t think he’s “so much” – he compliments and lifts me up consistently. He makes me feel like I’m doing well despite whatever challenge I feel I’m failing.
At church, we pulled in on Father’s Day (neither of our fathers went to church as adults) and he comments, “wow, church is crowded on Father’s Day.” Yes, at our church, the culture of encouraging each person to follow God individually, corporately, and in their family is persistent. (I was afraid we lost that when our previous church folded.) I am so encouraged that Louis has found a church with a culture of lifting up men as fathers; the vital leaders in their homes, encouraging and holding each other accountable.
Thank you, Jesus, for fathers who choose to take the hard road and follow you; they are raising up the next generation of world-changers.
Have you ever split wood? As a child, I watched my Daddy split wood for a fireplace when we stayed at a cabin in the Smoky Mountains. We camped all the time, so being in a cabin was a little different for us – we were actually going to spend that Christmas in an A-frame cabin with a big fireplace! I was young, but remember being so excited. We were praying for snow!
I’d helped chop wood a few times before this, but it was never splitting big round logs, it was always just cutting small roots or scrap wood from fallen trees discovered in the backyard so the scrap bits would fit in our firepit. I’d always used this tiny ax. (Daddy called it a hatchet, and although he said “the Indians in Davy Crocket used weapons exactly like this,” we were warned NEVER to play with the hatchet. We made “hatchets” out of wood to run around like Indians instead.)
At the cabin, Daddy was using the BIG ax, it had about a three foot handle, maybe four feet, with a weighted gleaming head. Daddy would raise that ax up over his head, swing hard, and with a crash it would come down. Most of the time, his blows would chop the round wood into three or four hunks. Sometimes, the ax went thud and stuck. Daddy would step on the wood, wiggle the ax, and go again. Sometimes, the ax would take three of four cuts to split the wood.
My sisters, brother, and I were watching, fascinated at our Daddy’s strength, from what Mom considered a “safe distance” – I’m pretty sure we were inside watching through the window, but can’t be sure. What I do remember, is what he said to us later. It might have been a day or so later, but I remember the wood-splitting was fresh in my mind and we were sitting around the fireplace when he started talking.
“Did you see how it’s easy to cut one type of wood but harder to cut another?” Daddy asked.
We all nodded, my brother pointed out some “really tough woods” (oak).
“But I was using the same ax and I’m the same person, so it was about the same effort for each one,” Daddy said, “it’s the same with parenting. God gave us each of you and you are all different in your own special ways.” (The way he smiled at us when he said that made us look at each other and giggle.)
“We are the same parents, trying to use the same methods, but since each of you are different types of wood…” Here I’m sure someone yipped, “I’m this one!” (oak, of course) Daddy smiled but continued, “so we have to find different methods of teaching each of you so that in the end, we can tell God we’ve done our best.”
As I look at this memory, I realize that Daddy was probably encouraging my mom and himself (as we would have been about 8, 6, 4, 2, and almost here) and they were “early” in their own parenting journey.
This illustration of parenting is also an illustration of everything in life. I’ve remembered this “different wood” lesson and applied it to most things in my life. Teaching – each child is unique so it is understandable that they would each learn differently. Friendship – each friend is different and therefore has different likes and dislikes. Parenting – YES, huge here, true.
Last Sunday, this memory was brought to the forefront because our pastor used chopping wood for his example of how we apply different metrics to each part of our lives. If we judge ourselves by same metrics or measures when we strike a softwood (it shattered into perfect sticks) as when we are striking slightly petrified oak (crud, the ax stuck fast), we would be discouraged. Just as we use different strokes and techniques when chopping different woods, we use different metrics or measures in evaluating ourselves in various areas of life.
Each area of life is unique, as we grow and change throughout our lives. The measures we used ten years ago shouldn’t be the same measures we use today (we measure babies’ length in inches but adult height in feet). We also should use different measures for different areas of our life. For example: We may find challenges in using patience while trusting God is easy. Just because patience is more of a challenge, doesn’t mean we are failing at being patient.
Thank you, God, for giving us easy examples to help us not judge ourselves too harshly. Let us see our life progress through Your eyes.
