Tag: preteen

Dating Decisions – Part 4

Dating Decision Part 4: Dissecting Real Life and True Love #DatingDecision #Decision #Dating #Focus #Choice #Purity #Liberating #Saving #Love #Understanding #Choices #Allow #Marry #Marriage

September 23, 2020

Dating Decisions Part 4

If you’ve kept with this series so far, you know I’m almost 18 in the story now. I’ve been studying myself, trying to shift my focus to Jesus and become the woman I know He wants me to be. I’ve been people watching everyone. I am still very shy around my peers. I am only comfortable talking about dreams and hopes and principles; not very good at small talk. I die after “I’m good, how are you?” But ask my opinion on something and you get more than you wanted. I am a good listener. I sort people into boxes depending on what they tell me: mental boxes labeled, “stay away,” “like to be friends,” “want to learn more from,” and “never in a million years.”

I hit 18.5, had gone out to Disney Springs with several friends from work twice (which my Daddy fully encouraged and wanted to know if we’d met any guys… no, we goofed off, went to a comedy show, watched the two oldest drink “Monkey Brains” from a monkey-head mug and get sillier by the second, sang along with a band, people watched, danced line dances at the country bar, and did cartwheels on the AMC stars waiting for my mom & the two other younger friend’s rides). After relaying this to my Daddy, he shook his head and said, “that sounds like ten year olds instead of adults!” I grinned, “but it sounds like friends hanging out in your stories.” Yes. I was crazy.

I was working at Disney and during the few lunch breaks I took, I joined the two other girls who claimed to be Christ-followers and we encouraged each other. It shocked me. Of all who asked me out there, every one of the “boys” (I refused to call them men per my Daddy’s earlier definition) expected a date to end with sex. No. No dating for me. At 18, getting a little bolder, I had started wearing a silver ring with my birthstone that my Daddy had given me a few years back for a birthday gift. I told anyone who asked me out that it was my virginity ring and a symbol of the vow I made to save myself for my future husband. That kept a few of the nicer “boys” from trying to ask me out. One named Guy said, “awesome, sister!” overhearing my spiel and encouraged with, “keep it up.” No, he didn’t ask me out; none of the few single “men” I met asked me out at this point.

The most important step in my dating decisions came when I left Kissimmee. I moved the last time with my parents (told my Daddy, “just one more time.”) and once in Saint Augustine I became an assistant in our youth group. I saw so much sadness and pain in the preteen girls I tried to mentor. This was the first time I agreed to help out with teaching youth. I prayed for each girl by name.

I discovered that the most important part of any girl’s life was to fall in love with Jesus first. Really. Truly. To give Him everything about you. Not to keep anything back – regarding life, love, boys, men, thoughts, heart. A girl’s first love had to be Jesus. A boy’s first love had to be Jesus. We went to a Rock the Universe concert and I listened to Nicole C Mullen tell us about how Jesus had to be our first and primary love. For all of our life; single and married, we had to constantly be “chasing” after Jesus. I realized that I was trying to keep control on my future and needed to surrender everything about my future to Jesus.

That was my final conscious dating decision: I decided I would always be a woman chasing after Jesus; that I would love Him foremost and that my future husband would love Jesus first as well. Jesus is my first love.

I learned that the term “missionary dating” was a huge thing for young girls. They seemed to think that by dating a non-Christian they were doing a good thing. I studied with them and we learned that the Bible clearly says being unequally yoked (aka a non-Christian and a Christian) does not work with God’s plan.

Basically there is one rule for Christians in marriage from Jesus and it is really simple: Ready?

Men: marry a woman who love Jesus.

Women: marry a man who loves Jesus.

There isn’t a “wrong one” if they love Jesus, there is only a “wrong first love.”

Jesus should be our first love. We should allow Him to hold our heart safe (the Bible calls it “protected by a hedge”) and wait on Him. If the person we are dating loves Jesus first, they will know how to love us. If we love Jesus, we will know how to love them.

We don’t obey Jesus out of fear, but out of love. As a Christian, we choose to avoid sin because we know sin breaks God’s heart and our passion is to serve Him with love. I wasn’t truly saving my purity for my future husband – I was obeying Jesus and His design because I loved Him. That should have been my first focus. Once I truly understood that my obedience with my body was because I loved Jesus it was liberating! I was understanding that God made sex in His perfect design and that within His rules, it was something to be looked forward to. (Honestly, at 18, I was still at the point where I thought “it” was super gross… dorky, I know.) It became less about rules and more about love.

“I am saving myself for my future husband because I love Jesus and He says it is the way.”

Once I wrote that in my journal, so much of the teenage garbage and pressures from everyone around me seemed to melt. It was perfectly okay to be a virgin adult. (Did I write that? Yep. I had so many from many age groups laugh at me and even my sisters teased me because I had what they called “virgin lips.”)

I was a few days from 19, still never been on a date, when I went to my Daddy’s family reunion in Georgia. Every one of my cousins and my siblings in their teen years had been on a date; most over 14 had already kissed. It was super laughter day for them. I loved that day. I loved now being able to witness to kids my age or younger about Jesus’ love just because they couldn’t believe I was wearing a ring on my wedding ring finger to remind me that my heart belonged first to Jesus.

It became a witness goal for me. Jesus used that tiny band for me to talk to so many young people during this season of my life. Most laughed. Almost all of them laughed. But I found myself praying for them and maybe my words helped a few.

We moved within Saint Augustine and started going to a new church. This was the first place I didn’t immediately jump into helping. I was almost 19 and still didn’t have a license. Instead I found myself trying to make friends. I wanted people with whom I could share life. I never wanted to leave the place called Saint Augustine. I had found a place my heart loved. I felt Jesus telling me this would be my home.

Fast forward 20 years:

I did leave dating and marriage and family up to Jesus. (Yes, stayed in Saint Augustine area.) I married a man who also loves Jesus first. We continually learn and love Jesus more and learn and love each other more – our relationship started with each of our first dates. In the world’s eyes, we were each other’s first loves. Really, Jesus was and is the first love for both of us. We loved Jesus with our bodies and futures. We each respected the other enough to wait until we were married. We didn’t “try it out” first. (BTW; Our chemistry is just fine!) We will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary in November. In November 2052, we will celebrate our 50th. We are in this for the long run. Our focus is on Jesus in our love and marriage as it should be in all things.

My constant prayer is that people realize that their sexuality is not divorced from their spirituality. God made us complete. Just like our physical hunger shouldn’t make us decide we need to eat unhealthy things, our sexual hunger shouldn’t make us decide to do unhealthy things. Our ability to control the natural hungers or desires within us is what proves we are free. One can only be 100% free by giving everything to Jesus.

My story is uniquely mine as yours is uniquely yours.

My story is the tale of a girl discovering her self through Jesus. It is the story of a woman continually choosing to follow Jesus every day and in each decision. Often, I fail. I fall out of focus and instead let the negative self-image that my mind sees try to convince me that I’m worthless. Jesus says we are loved. Bought with the price of His blood from the slave market of sin – all sins. He knows the innermost parts of our mind, heart, and soul and still loves us! Nothing is too bad that makes us unloved by Jesus. He reaches out His hand so we can choose to charge our life in big ways and small ways and continually choose to live our life to show people Jesus through our actions; they will know us by our love.

I choose to focus on Jesus. I choose to focus on my first love. Through Him, and only through Him, am I able to show the love for myself, my husband, my family, and others around me in a way that reflects Jesus.

Thank you for reading!

~Nancy Tart

Dating Decisions (Part 1)

Part 1 of Dating Decisions – dissecting real life and true love

September 16, 2020

Dating Decisions (Part 1)

WHOA! What is meant by this title?

Nothing. It’s a history story. Ancient history if you ask my children. I am a writer of stories; why would it surprise you that I would pull stories from my teenage decisions? No crazy thoughts. Take a deep breath, empty your presuppositions, and read: you may learn a little about the psychology behind decision making.

Once upon a time, (No, this is not a fairy tale… it is my truth tale.), I was just understanding love. Real love. I was curious about my parents and other couples around me and in my church. My mom and dad had at this point been married for 13 years. I was 11. I considered them ancient. Now I am older than my mother then and close to my dad’s age at the time – wow, I’ve reached the 11-year-old’s idea of ancient! One of my daddy’s mentors had been married to his wife for over thirty years. My daddy’s parents had been married for over 40 years when my grandmother died and granddaddy didn’t remarry. My mother’s parents had been divorced before my mom met my daddy and two of her siblings had been married and divorced. I had been sitting at a concert at a church with mostly teenagers where the girl asked, “raise your hand if your parents have been divorced.” Everyone in my row raised their hands. Most of the auditorium raised their hands. I had watched “The Parent Trap” from the sixties, but in that movie the parents got back together and all was well. I started to understand that divorce was the norm for most of the children I met. My family, with their short 13 years together, was already 7 years beyond the “normal” for divorce; according to research in the “Focus on the Family” newsletter my daddy received. I began to understand that most of the problems facing my peers were related to their broken families. I realized that my mother broke the chain and her baby sister was breaking the chain. I wanted to be like the couple in one of my churches who stood up on the day they honored families and claimed 73 years of marriage.

Research started.

I read marriage and family books (my daddy had two bookshelves full of them in his office to start my journey). I analyzed relationships in movies, in books, and in history and began to learn how to predict problems based on family stability. Stories of great hardships with intact, supportive families morphed into strong, successful, loving children. What was the binding tie?

In every personal interview I did over the next six years (and beyond, but I’m telling the story of teenage me) the common thread for successful marriage was that both loved Jesus, both were willing to love the other without expecting anything in return, and both went into their relationship committed to making it last. Repair it rather than throw it away. I already had a waste-not-want-not mentality. This matched.

Along came 12. The first boy asked me out. I thought he was sweet. He liked to carry my books from Sunday School for me. He was nice to his baby sister. I found myself already studying potential mates. I was scared of that. I told him I couldn’t date until I was 16. That became my pre-programmed response to all of the offers in the next 4 years.

I was already journaling. I told God I was going to be 18 before I dated. I told Him I wanted Him to be in control. I told Him I wanted to focus on being the best big sister and daughter I could. So began my journey of discovering and morphing myself into what I thought God wanted.

At 16, my Daddy started getting worried. My 14-year-old sister was already dating and my 12-year-old brother liked to whistle at girls. I was deep into studying. I took time to develop relationships with all of my siblings as they allowed. It wasn’t that I wasn’t “interested” in boys. I plain and simple told my daddy once, “I’m not old enough to do anything about it, so why would I play with someone’s heart?” (As a teen, I thought he was shocked with my logic, but now as an adult I wonder if he was also scared of what I meant by that.)

And that was the first dating decision I realized I had made.

…continued next time!

~Nancy Tart

And… It Happened!

Look out world! Here comes a full confident young woman who continually amazes her family! #ProudParent #WeLoveYou

And… IT Happened!

January 9, 2020

I am at work, minding my own business, trying to focus solely on work.

*BLING* No noise, though, because my phone is on silent like it should be.

I glance at it laying on the desk.

WHAT!

“Mom, which day is good for University tour? I need it for my scholarship application next year.”

I reread that with bugged out eyes.

Yes, next year. Like, application to be delivered in the beginning of fall 2020. Where did time run?

Fast forward to the day before said university tour date (I’ve already asked for the day off months ago & am really excited about visiting this place!).

*BLING*

Um… Really? It’s lunch, though (oddly she seems to understand the no-phones-during-work concept already), so I look.

I get a picture… it’s an outline of our entire day, which not only includes the long drive, university tour, campus discussion, and such, but also squeezes in “appointment at DMV.”

Wait. What appointment? It’s Jaquline’s 10th birthday – my mind instantly pops to Kimberly and Jaquline’s open request for their FL IDs. Nope. Three dots (means she’s typing another text) pop up…

“Oh, that’s because 01/07 is when I can get my real driver’s license & I already booked the appointment so we will just make it if there’s traffic.”

I laugh out loud.

I could say impressed, but I’m not really. I know my young woman very well. She knows that if she wants something, she has to set it all up and make it happen. Expecially since I’ve been working full-time now, all of the girls have become far more independent. Before it was my policy that if they wanted something (plan an outing, attend an event, join a club/group, get a job, etc.) that wasn’t a family thing, I would help research and direct, but they had to do the paperwork, calling, or whatever else that had to be done. Now, though, my free time at home is taken up with the younglings doing really basic stuff like verifying schoolwork, going over new concepts again, attempting to train basic manners and such in two of three hours without feeling like a joy-leech (more on that to come later), and other such. Sometimes I feel like I never get to talk to my teens & preteen.

Driving them places was my only dedicated time to talk with them… I’m not sure I want her to have her license…

Nothing is going to slow her down.

I love that she’s so independent and self-reliant. I love that she has goals and makes things happen to reach them.

…I’ve been in thought too long, the three dots come back…

“It shouldn’t take too long. I made an appointment.”

So I send a smiley face. (I didn’t even realize the DMV was open that late)

*Pause for the tour… and the sweet story of this picture!*

The above picture was her grabbing a “quick selfie” with me as Dad stopped for his breakfast after the tour – “we have to have one picture from the tour with both of us!” (My heart almost melted, I had several pictures of her, just none of me... she meant she wanted a picture with me.)

Fast forward to January 7th, and I’m typing on a blog after driving Christina to her appointment. I’m waiting for my sixteen year old to get back from her test. She’s about to step into a new level of independence.

I’m not really scared – though most people say I should be.

I trust that she’s learned well. I trust that she will make safe, wise decisions. Mostly, this peace I’m carrying is because I know regardless of what I want, I can only hold her hand for so long – I have to let her grow. I let her go into God’s hands… back into God’s hands, actually. Not that she ever left His care, just that he entrusted Louis & I with her for a while. A few short years in the span of life… we get to hold, love on, teach, and enjoy our younglings as they learn in a safe, protected environment.

The ultimate test is what they do once they leave.

I see her trying to hide her excitement – CAP has taught her that – as she comes back in. She needs me to come to the agent’s window. I smile as I mentally ask myself, “is this the last time I’ll need to sign something for her to give permission?” (She’s not 18, so silly question, but that’s what my mind says to me.)

She passed (no, I’m not surprised) and we drive home. I tease her that I could take a nap in the backseat now.

Someone asked me, “aren’t you worried about her driving the interstate after…?” They didn’t complete it but my head did, “…you just lost Mary there.”

No. “Why not?”

I asked myself the same thing as Kimberly and Christina loaded up in “Old Blue” (her name for her car) in their ABUs and my oldest and preteen drove out on their first solo drive. “Why aren’t you worried?” – and I give myself the same answer I gave that person, “Jesus is in charge of my heart and hers.”

I’m secretly thrilled beyond measure of the whole university experience she will launch into next year. I’m excited for her getting to drive at 16 (I was 19 when I got my first driver’s license). I’m so proud of her I sometimes feel my heart might bust. And this is just the beginning… New stage, for me and for Christina.

This year, 2020, has already seen my first university tour (Christina), first fully licensed driver (Christina), and Kimberly’s first long trip away from home. 2020 will include: oldest trio’s first summer camp together, Christina’s first solo flight, Lucas’ starting kindergarten, Becky’s learner’s permit, and Kimberly’s Vyteen account. By their plans; Kimberly wants to take the PERT, Jaquline & Kimberly plan to be team gymnasts, Kimberly wants to be C/Sgt before summer… and those are just the ones I currently know about… I’m blessed to be their mom. I’m super excited for them.

Jesus is in charge of my heart and theirs. I have a peace as they grow that some people just don’t understand… but my joy in their achievements is something everyone can relate to!

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Jaquline the Confident

September 4, 2019

Jaquline the Confident

I watched my little girl exude confidence for the first time in public.  At our gymnastics show on Mother’s Day, my Jaquline performed her practiced routine with a cloud of confidence I’ve never seen in her before.  She LOVES gymnastics.  She feels beautiful and strong doing her routines.  She stood up on the mat and told everyone she wants to be an Olympic Gymnast. 

Wow. 

So much for “maybe they’ll have fun” – my thoughts when I was blessed to get them into classes. 

For my family, discovering the sport of gymnastics has improved and amazed us.  In brief, I answered an ad which I thought was part-time clerk help at a gymnastics facility; nope, was a coaching job and I am so totally in amazement that I get to work a dream job in a sport I always wanted to do but my family was unable to afford.  From there, my girls (less Christina, who laughed and said “CAP is enough for me.” – oh, but  she’s now a coach) joined classes.  Kimberly came with strength and pushes to work her way up to the amazing skills she watches the team girls do.  Becky and Jaquline had no interest in fitness before gymnastics but now are working out with determination.  Jillian and Lucas have fun.

Jaquline’s new semester includes her gymnastics classes, reading everything she loves (She graduated up from the Magic Treehouse books to A Little Princess, The Secret Garden, and The Princess and the Swans the last couple of months!), practicing gymnastics outside (no jumps or flips – that’s mom’s rule, but I watch her do her floor routine from the show over and over and over…), learning nutrition (what builds muscle?  I need x grams of protein before workout), and playing word games with her super increasing vocabulary!  Louis says he’ll glance at the table after breakfast and everyone is sitting around doing work except Jaquline.  He’ll go looking and she’s curled up in her bed with some fat book in front of her so he leaves her until she comes out.  She’s sometimes not wanting to do regular schoolwork (it seems every child goes through at least one “I don’t want to do school” phase), but we aren’t worried because right now is a nutrition, fitness, grammar, literature, and vocabulary focus semester.  A few more books in that level and she’ll either be scanning the library for more like them or moving up a notch! (And she thinks she’s “not doing schoolwork” by reading unabridged classics!)

Sometimes we all need a “break” from the ordinary (yes, mom and dad still ask, “did you finish your math, history, and science?”) and our focus shifts to what we find fun.  Jaquline is doing math she doesn’t realize while planning her savings goals.  She’s stepping into real history and culture with “Little Women” and “A Little Princess” (1860 – 1880 United States and 1800s English Empire, respectively).  She’s learning science by watching Becky and Kimberly’s experiments, reading her nutrition books.  She’s doing practical learning by watching how Dad prepares food and analyzing the nutrition in her meals (plus, math and science here too). 

Although her semester finds her trying to be stubborn and “skip regular lessons” this time around, we know she’s still learning.  God is working on her heart now too – “Heidi” is a story of forgiveness, redemption, and return to reliance on God. (Just one example… I LOVE the unabridged versions of classics.)

Don’t be discouraged, parents!  Even if they are “refusing” to learn, they are learning anyway!  Find something they love that is natural learning and encourage that!  They’ve got plenty more years to get “lessons” on track… build relationship and understanding. 

This doesn’t mean we as parents aren’t constantly reminding her to “finish her math” or whatever lessons, it’s just that we don’t fight over it!  Life has taught us that she will come back to “formal lessons” soon.  We had a teen freak and slam forward in her algebra once her sister below her was “catching up” – Jaquline did the same last year when Jillian “graduated” into the same math book Jaquline was using.  Our philosophy is never to alter one person’s progress because of another’s lack; instead we encourage self-growth.  Thankfully, human nature among our children includes a fierce competitive spirit!  They will learn.  They will grow.  Sometimes, though, a sidetrack on a different path is needed.  (Don’t you ever feel that way as an adult? – I do!)

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Movie Thoughts: Knowing

March 28, 2019

Movie Thoughts: Knowing

The other night we had a movie night.  This had to be something mostly family friendly because everyone was awake.  Yes, even Thea was awake, but I’m sure she wasn’t paying attention to the movie just yet.

See, maybe because I’m old, or a morning person, or was exhausted from the work week, or… I’ll figure out an excuse later… short of it is, I go to sleep early.  Okay, earlier than my teens… okay, even earlier than my almost-teen.  My husband works late.  He is a night-owl.  So they usually watch anything that has too much blood, bad words, or unsafe-for-little-people-stuff after I’m asleep.

SO… queue the air-popped popcorn with yummy butter and salt, some fresh-cut potato French Fries and Sweet Potato Fries, and lemonade… the movie was on.

We watched Nicholas Cage in “Knowing.”

Louis said it was a horror film.  (I asked if he had lost his marbles… I wanted the little ones to sleep in their beds!)   Honestly, I think this designation was to entice the teens to watch it with us.

Oh my goodness.  What a strange, twisting, amazing movie.

**SPOILER ALERT**

If you want to watch the movie without knowing all the twists, stop reading now and go borrow it from the library.  Seriously, this is worth the watch.  We will likely watch it again.

The story acts like a psychological thriller.  Strange dark-cloaked “apparitions” aka “ghosts” aka “spirits” appear and disappear through the 50 years of time reflected in the film.  “Whispers,” as the affected children call the voices in their heads, keep relaying numerical information and give visions to the children after the dark-cloaked strangers give them an otherworldly rock.

Dad (Nicholas Cage) is a grieving widower astrophysicist pastor’s son who has turned his on faith and believes, as he tells his students, that the universe is a collection of haphazard mistakes and there is nothing but chaos.  He drowns his hopeless unbelief in a variety of alcoholic beverages to self-medicate his depression.

The son is hard of hearing (wears a hearing aid) and deeply misses his mother and the happiness that lived in his home before her death.  He happens to be given a message from the first child (written 50 years ago and locked in a time capsule at her/his school) that is a sheet of apparently random numbers.

But the numbers aren’t random.  They are the date (in short form) of a catastrophe and the number of people who died from it… and the “unknown” digits following (which if you have been listening to a Civil Air Patrol Chief talking about orienteering and navigation by GPS, you see that these same length “unknown” numbers are latitude and longitude).

What clenches it for Dad is when he finds the date of his wife’s death (a fire that claimed many) as one of the catastrophes in this list.  He realizes this message is personally meant for his family.  Now he launches into investigation to find out who wrote the message, where she is, why she wrote it, and to find the connection to his family.

Symbolism begins to appear here as the audience starts figuring out the story.  The first hint for me was the fire vision with the animals fleeing but nowhere to go.  (Destroy the Earth by fire.)  The dark-cloaked strangers have shielded eyes but bright faces.  (How would you hide glory unless shielded by darkness yet there’s still light in their faces?)  This is revealed at the very end with the darkness falling away and now they are bright, amazing beings.  (And the viewer whispers, “every time a person sees an angel, they have to say “fear not,” no wonder!”)

When “EE” is revealed to be “Everyone Else” the title is explained.  Now, they know.

At the end sequence, notice the “Pearly Gates,” “streets of gold,” “white linen garments,” and other symbolism played out – how they make it come to life is pure amazement.  Everything is explained in such a unique way.

This movie is rated PG (likely for the alcohol and “disturbing images”).  It’s actually very well put together.  The storyline seems fractured but falls into place and you wonder how you missed it.

Thanks for reading!

Type at you next time…

~Nancy Tart

Upcoming Fun Day!

Mark Your Calendars! Saturday, April 27, 2019 is Family Fun Fest!

March 14, 2019

Upcoming Fun Day

Mark your calendars!  (If you are near Saint Augustine, Florida.)

Saturday, April 27, 2019

This is the day of the Family Fun Fest at Francis Field in downtown Saint Augustine!

This family friendly event (with lots of fun activities for all ages) with include obstacle courses (registration is required ahead of time for that!), blow-up activities, and lots of games, food, and a show filled with local talent.  All of this is to benefit a great local charity; Alpha-Omega Outreach!

This will be our third year participating as a vendor.  Three of my teens/preteens will be volunteering (meaning I likely won’t see them all day).  The younger ones (and whichever of the cousins joins us) will be enjoying the activities with an Aunt or Grandma in rotation (and coming back to “base” for snacks and water!).  Meanwhile, I will be presenting my books and the girls’ various craft items will be decorating the table (and hopefully we sell a lot of these things so we can donate more money back).

These are photos from last year, but we had a blast.  We expect to have a wonderful time this year as well and would love for you to join us in our family fun annual tradition!

(My children make plans to be at the next Family Fun Fest as we drive away from the current one! – my niece has been asking me since the week after 2018 Family Fun Fest, “when can we go back to Family Fun Fest?”)

Thanks for reading!

Type at you later…

~Nancy Tart

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