Tag: encourage

The Day of Coincidences

The Day of Coincidences

March 18, 2022

It’s 4am, I’m jumping out of bed to the not alarm because one of the youngers turned the phone (aka alarm) on silent, and racing to start a cup of coffee. Ran the water through yesterday’s grounds to get slightly colored water – oops. Christina had to catch a flight out of JAX at 6am (Actually, 6:15, but you know) for her Women-In-Aviation conference in Nashville. Louis goes, “it’s only a 45 minute drive, you only need 30 minutes at the airport, not an hour.”

All my ECO-Ride experience and I’ve never left less than an hour of time from airport drop-off to plane departure, but you know, he drives now, not me.

New, real, coffee to make my shakeology.

Grandma, Christina, and I load up, ride to JAX, and she’s there before 5:10am. Sweet.

Not.

TSA stopped her for a box of business cards. Released from that line five minutes after her flight left.

She’s now on standby for the next flight to Baltimore because there she could possibly catch a standby for Nashville (the next direct to Nashville was at 9pm). Next possible to Baltimore is after 10am.

I go to leave for gym and Grandma sees Christina’s CAP cover in the yard. I start check-in, tell my boss we have to go back to JAX, wait til Grandma cleans said cover and loads the youngest two passengers, transfer everyone to the 4Runner, and we drive the CAP cover up to Christina with Thea singing in the backseat, “no job too big, no Thea too small.”

Two adults in the car allows for Grandma to race the cap to Christina and I’m not leaving the car unattended for a few seconds in the departing lane… Christina gets back into the airport.

Flight time comes, TSA says “we don’t like your lotion.” (It passed through inspection 4 hours ago??)

She misses this standby by 12 minutes.

Third standby… oops, we forgot to deep check your foot powder that passed inspection at 6am and at 10am… so TSA pulls her out of line again!… but for this one, she makes the plane with 1 minute to spare.

Thank you, Jesus!

She’s in Baltimore, next possible to Nashville leaves at 1645. Take a breath. A nice lady there helps her, upgrades her from standby to boarding and makes sure she gets on the plane.

Finally, I get a text at 1917. She’s in Nashville and has to find her luggage that arrived at her original arrival time of 0635.

Delays and coincidences? I don’t believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was just to make sure that my CAP pilot had her cover so she was in full regs… maybe it was to teach her patience… to teach us not to worry… to show my fully independent young woman how capable she is… for whatever reason, through more than a long workday at Jacksonville International Airport and a short shift at Baltimore, she made it to her destination intact.

Originally, I was very upset with myself because, even with the TSA delays, she would have made the first plane if I hadn’t taken the extra time to brew a real cup of coffee… but then how would we have gotten her cover to her?

First passenger I’d ever driven to the airport who had missed their flight – I’d even had a woman who had to have a potty break every exit and we got turned around in GA headed for the JAX airport and she still made her flight. My brain screamed at me about that…

God’s timing. He knew the cover didn’t make it in her carry-on. He knew it was important. He knew who would be watching, who would be encouraged, by this story both as it unfolded and as you read it now.

CAP Pilot
cover…

I take a breath, remind myself to always move forward and never beat myself up for the past – If we can trust God to keep the world spinning what is hard about trusting for tiny things like airport timing and CAP covers? (oh, and my books showed up in person while we were out!)

Thank you, Jesus, for little adventures like this that remind me how everything always works out just as it should when we keep calm, move forward, and trust.

Hope you have a lovely day!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

New Season of Beginnings

Life moves on! Our new seasons and stages

August 31, 2021

New Season of Beginnings

As I drove to work, I noticed the goldenrods in bloom. My mother always told us that meant six weeks to cooler weather. Everywhere I have lived, that bit of seasonal information has held true. From Virginia to South Carolina and, yes, even in steamy Florida.

The thought of seasonal change made me smile and reflect on the seasons of life our family is shifting into this year:

Christina started her first day at an “away” college. She’s a junior at Embry-Riddle. Her literal first day of classes was today. A season of independence for her – her eighteenth birthday is looming closer than I want to believe. Secretly, I already consider her an adult. I’m so excited for her and pray for wisdom in her new ventures!!

Christina took her sisters shopping!
Coach Christina spots a bridge

Rebeccah got her first request that wasn’t family for her art. Her birdies are almost old enough to sell. Her hobbies are blooming the imaginative artist within her! She has been raking up driving hours with us… Sixteen is too close.

Kimberly has taken on teaching roles at home, at gym and at church. She loves teaching. She loves tutoring. She is growing patience and understanding. She is facing tough decisions between CAP and Xcel Team gymnastics. Her goals, respectively, were officer rank and team. Made one! The new restrictions and the lack of social interaction at CAP versus the unlimited freedoms, friendly faces, and encouraging camraderie at her gym. She asked me to make her decision… I have to let her decide and I will support her decision.

Kimberly and Jaquline

Jaquline is maturing into a young lady. Mom may not be ready for that! She loves gymnastics and thrives in her books – she, just like her older sisters, is a bookworm. Jaquline is beginning to enter her realm of personal responsibility and leadership.

Jillian is learning to manage friendships and learning to discern when to follow and when to lead.

Lucas entered school “officially,” as he’s first grade. He is enjoying his new challenges!

Big sisters like to take pictures and selfies…

Thea started Gym-N-Learn at WGV Gymnastics. Mom isn’t ready for some of the skills she tries, but her ability to learn from others and take direction? Yes, that is so awesome!

Each season is a new discovery of challenges. Of fun and fabulous adventures… Of making new friends, finding new loves, achieving new goals…

Life constantly moves forward. You can never go backwards in life. If you missed something, start over. Renew. Rejoin. Always move forward. Someone said to me, “you’re such a dreamer, you’ll never have your own (house).” But I believe in God’s timing and plan for the future while living in the present! I embrace this new season nd pray for wisdom to guide my younglings (and not so young younglings) through their new seasons of life.

I hope as this season starts for you, you remember the awesome past, look to the future, and build memories in the present!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

I’m Fine (Don’t Go Deep)

March 13, 2021

I’m Fine (don’t go deep)

You know, someone says politely, “How are you today?”

Preprogrammed for courtesy, we reply automatically, “I’m fine.”

But are you really “fine?”

Or does that really mean, “I’m hurting, but don’t ask?”

In our society, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of pretending we are okay.  Of pretending there is nothing behind our mask distorting our inner soul or crushing our heart or making rivers of silent tears run.  We bottle up the true emotions we are feeling and hide them safely where no one can touch them. 

Where no one can judge us.

Where no one can think we are imperfect.

Why do we want to appear perfect?  Why is it not okay to show vulnerability?  Why is a parenting question suddenly turned into an accusation that we are not fit to be a parent?  Why is a question about how to handle an emotion turned into an accusation that we are depressed?  Why must we instantly judge others instead of allow them to safely talk through their emotions?  Can’t we all admit that sometimes we are angry? Irritated with a coworker? Disappointed with a child? Frustrated by a situation? Unsure about feelings?  Can’t we all admit that we are not perfect?

When we comprehend the full meaning of the word “Forgiveness” we can choose not to judge others or ourselves. 

Forgiveness is love.

Forgiveness understands that we listen and let it go.  Forgiveness understands we are all imperfect. Forgiveness doesn’t consistently remind a person of a previous failing.  Forgiveness is not holding a grudge. Forgiveness doesn’t gossip. When you find someone who truly understands forgiveness, treasure that true friend!  Strive to be that friend yourself.

I process emotion by writing because I can’t always be talking with someone who will just listen.  I’d love for there to be a portal like in Star Trek where I can say, “beam me to” and instantly be at my best friend’s house so we can discuss mutual struggles and listen to each others’ individual issues without judging. 

I understand forgiveness. She understands forgiveness.  We both understand that sometimes just admitting to another human that we are human is enough to help us work through our challenges.  This I think is the essence of the verse where it says “iron sharpening iron;” we are to listen, encourage, and edify.  We are to speak the truth in love.  We are to listen with love.  My Daddy used to say, “God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wants us to listen more than we speak.”  I still twist back to “To Kill a Mockingbird” and Atticus telling Scout that in order to understand a man you have to listen well, put on his shoes, wiggle your toes around, and walk a ways with him. 

Listen.

Don’t judge.

Be quick to forgive and slow to wrath.

When I feel overwhelmed, I pray.  I sometimes wish I could just talk to an understanding friend.  I don’t like facades.  I don’t like pretending I’m okay.  Yes, I understand that God is in control and that everything will turn out in a way to glorify Him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to ask rhetorical questions that I already have answers to just to help my brain process the thoughts or emotions within.  My feelings are real.  They are valid.  I know how to make my mind calm and to cast all my worries on Jesus.  My desire to discuss my emotions with another honest human is not agreeing that I don’t trust; it’s admitting that I’m human and don’t want the festering hidden thoughts to poison my mind. 

In my Devonians world, the adults talk as if they have no fear of each other.  They ask questions and advice of each other.  They admit to fault.  They don’t pretend to know everything.  They act the way I feel.  They are the epitome of what I imagine we were made to be.  Honest humans who discuss feelings and help each other.  Of course, that’s fiction.  But using that world and the characters within it help me to put my questions to a nonjudgmental audience – I basically have them discuss things that sometimes never make it to my books so I can understand my own mind and heart.  Crazy?  Yes.  Truth?  Yes.

I miss my Daddy the most when I am overwhelmed.  Even though I still pretended I was fine all the time, I could get him to discuss theoretical issues with me or book scenarios that moved my mind to a happier place. 

Like music.  Loud, fast music that I can sing to.  (Can’t sing anymore but my hope is that someday my voice and lungs will heal and I’ll be able to sing again. Thea’s never heard me sing a song that doesn’t sound like a dying chicken.)

How are you?  What do you need to talk about?  Or as Philip usually asks Jamie in Little Thief, “what is it you don’t want to talk about?” – because he knows his little brother better than anyone else…  He is an understanding friend.

I encourage you to find a true friend with whom you can discuss anything that is troubling you.  Someone who will listen to your heart.  Someone to whom you can listen.  Listen, encourage, and pray together.  Build each other up instead of tear each other down. 

Sharpen each other!

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Judgments

What do you instantly presume based on a look? This cup, for example:

January 7, 2021

Judgments

It starts with this cup:

Judgement – instantly you either love or hate me, but you also immediately assume I spent $3 to $5 on the “coffee” I’m drinking.

Actually, I’ve never bought Starbucks. This cup? Well, I’m love my meal shake “cafe latte” hot and I’m a mom so that means 10x trips to the microwave… this cup’s predecessor two years ago was green and white and was perfect for the serving size and microwavable!! I hate waste. That green and white cup was destined for the trash… I saved it, sanitized it, and used it for almost 14 months. This cup was also someone else’s discarded trash.

Now, knowing that, you are either grossed out that I take trash, wash it, and claim it, saying “better you than me,” or you are applauding my penny-pinching way of getting exactly what I want and saving the landfill at the same time.

Isn’t it crazy how we judge?

Someone in the food bank line driving a really sweet immaculate older model Jaguar wearing a tailored suit jacket, $400 eyeglass frames, and a Rolex. You can choose to judge, “what is he here for?” or “he could sell the car (watch, frames, jacket) for money,” or whatever thought because you feel he shouldn’t be there.

Step in his shoes. Did you know he’s a former businessman whose life savings went into a dream business in fall of 2019 – just a small operation that employed 27 people. His jacket? It’s the same one he wore to his retirement party years ago. He has sold all the others. His eyeglass frames? Those were his late wife’s. He gets his prescription put in them for sentimental reasons. His Rolex look-alike? Inscribed with “to my love; come home safe; Christmas 1969” he received it in the spring of 1970 in Vietnam. His car? He takes care of it and cleans it himself – he’s had it for 22 years. The dealership won’t even give him $500 for it without locking him into a new loan he can’t afford; it is a cheap used car. He chooses to keep his employees at work but is falling deeper and deeper in debt so yes, he stretches his food budget with the weekly box from the food bank.

Have you ever read “To Kill a Mockingbird?” That book is an excellent tool for teaching you how to always treat everyone with kindness and consideration. Atticus teaches his children, and the reader, how not to make hasty judgments. Jem actually judges people and in his thoughts and conversations with Scout, he professes what Scout is thinking; they learn how their quick surface judgments are most often wrong.

Since I’ve read that book as a youngster, I decided to leave the judging to God. I strive to treat everyone with kindness. I strive to kick the judgmental thoughts from my mind before they affect my heart or bleed into my words.

Another great book for that end is “The Shack.”

In both instances I referenced, the book is far more poignant than the film, but the films do a decent job of getting the point across.

Treat others with kindness. Leave the judging to God. He alone knows the heart. Can our sour swift judgments harm? Yes. If we are to be the feet and hands of Jesus, we also need to speak his words to others and in our own hearts. When we allow own hearts to be poisoned by our own sour thoughts we allow ourselves to make hasty judgments, in turn we make poor decisions and usually harm others. We are putting a stumbling block in front of them! This is not how we are supposed to love.

As parents, we also need to avoid making hasty judgments about our children. We may know their hearts, sure. But what good can come of judging without listening? Always ask. Always talk. Always be available for them to speak to you. Your children do know your heart based on what you have shown them during their life – they need you to be a safe place for them to express feelings and emotions and speak troubles. This needs to start from the beginning and continue even when it is hard.

My father was always open where I could talk about anything with him. He guided me through dating and the first few weeks of engagement, he encouraged me to search for character traits, gave me logical wisdom as I relayed scenarios and answers, and offered questions for me to ask that led my fiancé and I into deep discussions where we discovered each other’s hearts. We came to understand our religious, political, family, and deep convictions through soul-baring conversation and intimately know each other.

I am forever thankful for the few months of guidance that led me to understand my future husband. I wanted to be someone my children could come talk to without fear, like my father had. I hope my children always understand that my love for them will never change. I will try to guide them. I will listen. I always try to listen first. I have a fix-it mentality though, which makes it a struggle to just listen when I care about someone and want to help them.

I have to learn, still, that people don’t always want help. They want ears to listen to their heart.

This is treating others with kindness.

Avoiding preconceived judgments (back to my iconic cup).

Listening without judging.

Praying before speaking.

Hearing without repeating (aka no gossiping).

Loving as Christ does.

If I am to be His hands and feet, I need to be his ears and mouth as well. I need to leave judging to God.

(Hope this encourages you as much as writing it encouraged me.)

~Type at you later.

~Nancy Tart

God! Help!

January 5, 2021

God! Help!

This blog is for those moms, big sisters, teachers, coaches, etc. who have ever raised their hands up in the sky and demanded with tears streaming down their eyes, “God! Help!”

If you’ve never done that, please leave the rest of us in our private knowledge of complete crazy… nothing to see or read here… Thank you.

Now that I’m addressing those of you, who like me, know that they only get through life with God’s routine and very often injections of aid: understand that you are really, really not alone!

There are way more of us out here than you know.

But people don’t always see that. Still. That doesn’t mean we don’t completely loose it and at least internally… SCREAM for HELP!

Ever had a friend compliment you by saying, “wow, you were so calm.”

Your mind goes, “um.. what????” And you realize that only God saw your frantic desperate prayers as you grabbed napkins, wiped up your child’s blood trying not to freak out at her big sister’s just-started party while on your way to meet said child in the bathroom with unknown injury as you realize another daughter is already cleaning more blood (MORE BLOOD?? God, let me not scare her, make me calm.) on a gym mat. You realize that the frantic prayers were interpreted as deep breaths – thank you Jesus for oxygen and working lungs! Said child cries and you are thinking, “God, this injury is serious, help me!” but when you clean it and she whines, “I don’t want to go home! I want to play with my friends!”

Then there’s the serious prayer as you fight the urge of laughter-that-borders-on-insanity, “God, give me patience with this child!”

Bloody head wound clean. Check.

Bleeding stopped. Crisis averted. Check.

10,000+ frantic “God, you better help me” prayers in the span of 45 seconds while dealing with said child who doesn’t see that this is an INJURY and wants to GET BACK UP AND START FLIPPING! Double check.

Super glue, band-aid, and the older kids are like, “do we need to go?” Decision time. (This was supposed to be a food party & dinner & home is 45 minutes away plus party will be over & have to pick up actual party-goer in about 2 hours.) Stay.

Instant heart attack what feels like 5 seconds later when said injured child is about to show off her routine on bars – “DO YOU WANT TO LIVE TO ADULTHOOD??” (No, I didn’t scream that.)

But. I WANTED TO!! Instead it was “GOD HELP ME!” in my frantic brain while I think I may have jumped the knee wall to grab said child and firmly direct her back to my table in a solid seat (DID YOU REALLY JUST LEAN THAT FOLDING CHAIR ON TWO LEGS!!!???) beside me to watch her. Calm. Breathe. “GOD! HELP ME!” (Of course, that was a mental scream again.)

End the frantic night. (Thank you, Jesus!)

I’m laying in bed, praying that her head heals well and there’s no infection. Reading Proverbs for whatever chapter the day was (you know, when you can’t think of anything but Proverbs has a chapter for every day in the month?), I came across timeless wisdom that basically said (my brain translated the words to the following, it is NOT a direct quote:), “give everything to God and know that you aren’t perfect without Him.”

Truth.

Give over my worries. Give over my fears. In. Real. Time.

If I just write it on paper (or type it in a blog), that’s just words. What shows that I do trust God is in real time. When my toddlers decides to tilt her head back and scream bloody murder with a huge smirk because I’m on the phone. (PATIENCE, PLEASE!) When my boy is annoying his sisters for the bazillionth time in one minute. (Please, God, don’t let them kill him.) When an attack comes and it feels like the life-breath from my lungs is being sucked out by a giant vacuum. (Calm. Breathe. God. Help. Me.)

This is trusting in real time.

This is choosing to know that I cannot do anything without Jesus.

This is knowing that with Jesus I ca do all things. I can breathe. I can parent. I can mother. I can coach. I can love. Without Him, I can’t do any of those things.

So, yes, I know I’m imperfect. (I’m FAR from perfect!)

But…

I trust in the perfect one. I ask Him for help daily (um… thousands of times a day, in every situation I get stuck in!) and He answers with comfort, ideas, calm, and love.

Take a breath. Breathe in Jesus, breathe out, breathe in love, breathe out; now face your challenge! (As I hear a squeal from the kitchen followed by a crash… doesn’t sound like anything broke… “MOM!”) God, they are your children; HELP ME! I need to parent them to lead them to You, show me how.

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

P.S.: Those who were there, yes, I was freaking out inside. Yes, she is okay and nothing left to point at proudly and say “look what happened to me!”

Choosing Gratitude

December 30, 2020

Choosing Gratitude

Ever feel just overwhelmingly grateful? That often happens to me as I’m contemplating life. It usually starts when I feel discouraged. Everything bad coming at me all at once or someone mentioning some past mistake that helped lead to some poor circumstance I’m in now that waterfalls into my brain assaulting me with every tumbler that went wrong or a misstep that I see instantly and try to recover from… in whatever fashion it starts, it is always a silent attack on my joy coming from my own accusing brain. No one knows I’m fighting this horrid battle inside. No one else can see the pain my heart feels. My own logical brain is my worst accuser. The devil uses the logic from my own brain to try to attack the joy God gives me as His daughter. I have to renew my own mind. I have one plan of attack that always beats the accusing voices down and tramples them into silence:

I start with thanking God for life…

my family members by name…

the time I had with those now gone…

friends He’s placed in my life… time I get to spend with them…

the awesome job He’s provided me…

my coworkers… my boss… my students…

the opportunities my children have… achievements I’ve seen each of them reach… dreams I watch them work so hard to make happen…

There is just so much to be grateful for!

I like to shift my thoughts when I’m feeling discouraged because I always know it is not real. The reality is not in my circumstances, but in the attitude I have during those circumstances. Life is not about what happens to you; it is about how you react to the circumstances presented to you.

Sometimes you own thoughts can focus on troubling things and make you feel discouraged, kick those thoughts out! Start with thanking God for something… the sky, sunrise, oxygen, a rainbow, your sweet doggie, a memory that makes you smile… start there and just see how having an attitude of gratitude will help you see life in a positive light!

Hope this helps!

Type at you next time!

~Nancy Tart

Rejoice 2020 – Becky

November 18, 2020

Rejoice 2020 – Becky

Towards the end of the year, I always begin to reflect on the changes that have occurred in the year. Overall, they end up being positive – and those are my highlights. As it is close to Thanksgiving, I thought I’d brag a bit as I ponder on the changes I’ve seen in Becky this year.

Becky started 2020 discovering that she enjoyed the sport of gymnastics! I loved that because since I work at WGV Gymnastics, we get to drive together and she is the default DJ in our car because she picks up on the moods and knows how to use music to make everyone dance. I love spending extra time with my children!

She overcame a lot of obstacles that this unusual (if I hear the other word again – and you know which one – I will shriek!) year has thrown at her. Like our family has done, she pulled herself up, found either another way or something else, and managed to rise out with a smile!

Smile! Oh yes, one of Becky’s highlights of the year were her braces! She finally overcame a bad habit that kept her from getting braces (power of determination) and can now accurately be called “metal-mouth” until near the end of next year. She’s doing a great job of keeping them maintained and cleaned. She has been dreaming of braces and straight, beautiful teeth forever… but then, she still wants to major in orthodontics or some branch of dentistry.

Becky also managed to embark on two new ventures right as she turned fifteen:

First, she started a job. I never would have guessed that between “afternoon two shifts” and “morning three shifts” she would take “Preschool Program Coach” in the mornings. Becky is totally my night owl, so this did surprise me. She does this well.

Second – watch out world – she got her learner’s permit for driving.

And a phone. She pays for her own phone now.

I’m totally amazed and very proud of my little lady (okay, tall young lady who has been taller than me for a while) and her accomplishments this year. Becky has been working on herself. She is learning to understand herself and others around her. I see more empathy from her.

I pray for her daily as she begins to try her young adult wings in the world of “adulting” – as my teenagers call working, classes, activities, volunteering, and paying bills.

She dreams of building an aviary for her little feathered loves (parakeets now) that will allow her to add finches, lovebirds, and even more avian pets. I see that being accomplished soon because she is smashing through everything and accomplishing what she wants. Her determination is a very strong thing. Her ability to work through challenges and keep her word makes me proud. I know God has wonderful plans for her now and in her future.

Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to have your beautiful daughter to raise! She is learning to lean on You and trust You in everything. She is loved so much by her family and even more by You – I pray You protect her, guard her heart, build her self-esteem, show her Your love and bring those You want guiding her into her life.

I hope this total Mom-blog piece today encourages you to find the positives and look at the accomplishments of your little blessings through this tough year. What did you see that made you smile? What challenge did your child find a creative solution too? Rejoice in the positives!

Thank you for reading!

~Nancy Tart

Wonder and Amazement

August 8, 2020

Wonder and Amazement

“Mom,” this was in a very contemplative tone like Pooh Bear thinking, “do you think God ever gets sad because people don’t like themselves?”

I’m pretty sure he does. Her pause wasn’t enough to answer.

“God worked so hard on each of us to make us special. Why does the devil make us think we aren’t beautiful?”

Wow.

Unpack that one as a Mom. …as a woman…

We are each fearfully and wonderfully made. God knit each of us together while we were in our mother’s womb. Jesus died for each of us.

We know these things, yet why does our inner voice always seem to tell us we are not special, not important, not valuable? Often it is our own inner voice that says this to us. Honestly, our culture of appearing perfect and surface relationships may contribute to this; who are we kidding? It does. Yet this type of self-loathing has been around since the beginning. The Bible constantly reminds us that we are made in God’s image, that He loves us, that he set ways for each of our unique paths…

Imagine you create a labor of love – maybe a crocheted blanket, handmade dress, birdhouse, special card, meal, it could be anything – and the person you give it to throws it away in your face. “It’s ugly.”

Imagine you child looks at you with a tear-stained face and says, “I’m ugly.” Your heart breaks.

That is what God sees.

Why does the devil want us to not like ourselves? Easy answer. He wants to destroy. If we see ourselves as less, incapable, and unimportant we will not try to accomplish what God wants for us. That is what the devil wants. That is why he whispers to our hearts lies about us. You are ugly, unimportant, unloved, weak, incapable…

If you hear this… Shut it down! You are loved! Jesus died for you! He created your special character and loves every part of you! Anything telling you that you are unwanted is a lie.

Yes, daughter, you are loved always.

People may fail you.

Jobs, scholarships, schools may not want you; may choose against you.

Circumstances may try to swallow you.

But. You. Are. Always. Loved.

You have been created with an amazing purpose and a wonderful set of amazing unique qualities that fit perfect for what you were made for. This is the truth.

Encourage others! Encourage yourself!

Type at you later!

~Nancy Tart

Learn Your Children

July 25, 2020

Learn Your Children

Yes, you read that right. It says “learn your children” and I mean that. It’s a vital part of any relationship, right? You study your friends, your teachers, your co-workers and boss, and your spouse. You do xyz because Jerry is nice and all. Don’t get into discussing botany or you’ll never leave grandpa’s house. Aunt Jane has this amazing baking knowledge so you like to soak it up in the hope a bit will stick in your long term memory. You know your husband needs time away from familiar surroundings where you can be a couple and chat like when you were dating. You study and learn people – even if you don’t realize you are doing it.

Children.

When it comes to children, my goal is to learn who they are. To learn them. Each little one is fearfully and wonderfully made with a special unique purpose. My goal in raising them is to train them; develop a thirst for Jesus in them and discover what their individual gifts and desires are in order to suggest the correct path for their life.

For starters, if someone says “you’ve got this down pat, the next one should be easy.” Watch out! No, raising children is not simple like making a box cake or even complicated like sending a rocket to the moon; it is complex. Multiple steps with varying parameters and environments that are altered each time. What worked with one child in one week probably won’t work with another child two years later or even the first child next week!

Complex.

You have to become a student of your child and learn what special set of gifts and inclinations they each possess. This enables you to help them navigate toward success in life and helps you to teach them about themselves.

Complex means parameters within and beyond your control could be changing between executions and therefore the solutions, techniques, or tricks you used to get to the result you wanted one time will likely not work the same way ever again. Read that slowly again. Yes, I said “will not likely… EVER AGAIN.” Understanding that little part of “complex” when it comes to child training makes tremendous sense and makes this Momma sigh with relief.

Understanding that your child is a complex human (small version of your own self) certainly helps you to see things in a different light. Sometimes I think the world around us sees children as programs (showing my age) or apps. They think, they should just do the same stuff. No changes. Life is full of change. This understanding has also helped me to nip the failure assault from my own brain – when I feel like I’m “failing” at parenting, usually it has more to do with something that doesn’t even concern that moment than with a lack of something I’m doing or not doing!

Learn your child.

Emotions are complicated. (You think?) You are in the car on a date and your husband asks you a normal question… but you start trying not to show him you are crying because the song on the radio was your late baby sister’s favorite. He thinks something is wrong or you are “in a mood” and this isn’t a good time. You start crying because you now feel like he doesn’t understand you. Apply that logic to your child.

Communication is key. “It’s just this song, please skip it.”

“So-and-so said I looked ugly today and I feel sad.” (why she’s out of sorts today) Help her process that.

Understand by listening. Ask questions that take more than a yes/no answer. Prod into feelings. Ask questions of the heart. Know their favorite color (yes, it may change periodically), their favorite song, movie, do they like their noodles with sauce on the side, etc. All these things are part of learning who they are.

Learn how NOT to provoke them to anger. Help them process emotion in ways that are safe. Learn how to redirect them when you know grandma sees xyz as wrong but you know that’s just the way they are and you choose not to make a mountain out of it. “Save” them from situations that would erupt – and teach them how to navigate those emotions and learn about people too so they can navigate adult life.

Find friends and mentors for them who understand their personality and struggles and whom will be a positive influence in guiding them. This is part of raising. You are teaching them to search for help from experienced people you trust – this will help them feel comfortable seeking help with things society says “you shouldn’t” ask help for later. (Think new to parenting… did social pressure try to prevent you from asking about your feelings, emotions, and struggles then?) Society and our own heads tell us that’s something “we should just know” but we don’t! Help them understand that they can always come to trusted mentors (including you) to ask for guidance in delicate matters.

Learn. Teach. Listen. Guide. Direct.

These are your best parenting tools. Learn your children. Teach them to communicate. Listen like they are the most important conversation you are having. Guide them so they learn to discover themselves. Direct them with a gentle firm hand.

Do you know your child’s favorites? Do you know what songs or movies make them cry, and why? Do you know what they do to release stress? What tells you they are upset? Sad? Frustrated?

These are the things we need to learn about our children. We need to know them, understand them, and encourage them. Our goal is to teach them to lean on Jesus, but first we allow them to lean on us.

Challenge yourself to learn one new thing about your child every meal together! Ask questions and listen fully to the answers! This parenting thing is fun, challenging, exasperating, and glorious all rolled together.

Thank you for reading!

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Failing to Compare

July 23, 2020

Failing to Compare

Do you know what I hope I fail in? 

Seriously.  I’m super competitive by nature.  I had to teach myself that trying to “be my best” is a different thing than being better than someone else. 

I had to fail at comparing. 

What are we at, 8 billion people on the planet?  Each one of us has a unique set of circumstances, challenges, goals, cultures, and opportunities.  How can we possibly compare ourselves to each other?

Simplify: we do it in our own heads even if people don’t for us. So we have to learn not to compare in our own heads too!

Your child is acting out. 

From people who may or may not know you comes the onslaught: “that’s because you work,” “that’s because you stay home all day,” “that’s because you are too busy,” “that’s because you never go on playdates,” “that’s because you have him around too many children,” “that’s because you have him in vpk,” “that’s because you home school,” “that’s because your mom ate Wendy’s Frosties with French fries while carrying you…”

And it goes on and on!  They give you reasons to blame yourself or your situation for the child crying in the grocery cart.

You know, mentally, it’s been a long day or he just woke up and the bright lights hurt his eyes or he’s teething or maybe he flat out doesn’t want to be in the store today but you let the judging start in you.  Now you blame yourself. 

One child is independent at 6: he wakes up before the rooster crows, does schoolwork without prodding, makes healthy food if there isn’t a ready meal, dresses himself and three younger siblings and feeds the dog before you have your coffee.  Another is 13 and you can’t trust him with the dog for three seconds, he never does anything without you doing it for him, you bought him sliders and gave up on shoelaces decades ago, and it scares you that the government thinks this kid can climb into a 2-ton vehicle in less than three years and turn himself into a human projectile at 70mph+.  (Exaggerated, I know, but still!)

You find yourself blaming you and your circumstances for how your kids are. 

Stop it!

Mommy, your kids are fine!

They have their own unique personalities and the unique way God set in them from when they were knit together in your womb!  Your job is to help them find their way.  It’s a really cool study to really research the Hebrew on that passage you know, “Train up a child…” the word way there means “the traits that are his” we might say his personality, likes, and dreams.  Dig into that one more when you have time – awesome study. 

ANYWAY!  Back to your mind yelling at you and beating you up because your children are different.  Different than you, different than your spouse, different than their siblings, friends, teammates, schoolmates – YES! They were all made different.  Each a beautiful masterpiece God is still carefully crafting with His own hands.

That independent child?  We lead and guide and pray they choose to ask for help when they face something that looks difficult – we’d rather them not make the same mistakes we did.  (Waving my hand, I was that independent child and humility was/is a challenge for me!)

The 13 year old that seems lazy and unproductive?  Watch what falling in love with a sport, subject, or animal will do for him.  You turn around and that one is buying books on said subject, devoting hours, days, whole weeks lost in it, suddenly you blink and he’s that subject’s walking encyclopedia – then if you listen you’ll discover that was always there, he studies one thing at a time and shoelaces, school deadlines, and things that didn’t interest him just didn’t get any attention.   

When you feel like your brain is beating you up because of your parenting, your situation, and your children not being “perfect,” remind your brain that no one is perfect.  There are no perfect children.  (Okay, be honest, you aren’t living in a Jewish village 2000 years ago watching Joseph and Mary parent Jesus – my brain wouldn’t have shut up watching a real perfect kid!)

You can’t say to yourself, “I did xyz” regarding a child’s personality unless you are using that as a tool to ask yourself, “how do I help him overcome this?”  Because yes, I know, going through financial instability, parents going to work or coming home, changing schools, changing neighborhoods, losing family members, that all does contribute to the development of personality and psyche in a child (or in an adult, am I right?) so understanding is good to help more forward – but the best way to help is to LISTEN.

Sit with them when you can – vehicles are normally good because they are trapped and can’t go anywhere.  And ditch the devices.  Unless you are parenting long distance, look in their eyes and listen with your whole self.  It doesn’t have to look like two adults over coffee at a Barnes & Noble, either.  Think like them.  You can be playing a video game with your kid and have deep conversation.  You can be building duplo blocks and get the scoop on everything in his little heart.

Listen to them.  Ask them prodding questions about their thoughts, their dreams, their goals, and what things have impacted them.  You will learn a lot.  Let them speak as much as you can.  You lecturing the same stuff becomes listening to a broken record.  You need to hear them as much as they need to talk to you.  Learn their hearts.  If you forget stuff sometimes like I do, WRITE DOWN important stuff and file it away somewhere.  That way when you want to know your daughter’s favorite color you don’t have to text her sister.

Fail to compare.  ALWAYS choose not to compare.  If you hear them saying “at least I’m better than so-and-so…” ask why they feel that way and then tell them how each person is unique.  If they want to be better at something, encourage it!  But don’t compare with others.  They don’t know “so-and-so’s” full heart story.  (Side note on that is let them read “To Kill A Mockingbird” or watch the Gregory Peck film version.) Don’t compare.  Especially don’t compare siblings!

Choose to change what you can (only yourself and the environment you create) and accept what you can’t (the personality of others and situations you have no control over).

Do your best in the environment you have.  That is all we can do.  Mothers for millennia have been doing just that – wars, famines, massive global flood, cultural and political changes, pestilences, and economic booms and busts notwithstanding, Mothers continue to do their best for their children.  

Fail to compare.

Instead of tearing each other down, we should build each other up.  We should provide safe environments for each other to come, talk deeply, and gather advice.  We live helping each other because we know the power is not in comparing ourselves with another but with helping each other up.  We need that type of love.  We need to build each other up instead of compare and break down.  Our children see how we treat others when they are near and when we are alone – character is what we say and do when no one is watching.  Build up.  Encourage.  Instead of judging someone else, rejoice with them or encourage them.

This is for our own children too.  Build them up, encourage them, rejoice with them, pray for them, and lead them in their own unique and special way.

If you catch yourself comparing yourself to another or your children to each other or another’s child… Stop.  Instead, choose to encourage or rejoice.  Your heart will smile more and that will show on your face and in your attitude – this causes joy in your heart!

Thank you for reading!

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

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