Tag: mind

And… It Happened!

Look out world! Here comes a full confident young woman who continually amazes her family! #ProudParent #WeLoveYou

And… IT Happened!

January 9, 2020

I am at work, minding my own business, trying to focus solely on work.

*BLING* No noise, though, because my phone is on silent like it should be.

I glance at it laying on the desk.

WHAT!

“Mom, which day is good for University tour? I need it for my scholarship application next year.”

I reread that with bugged out eyes.

Yes, next year. Like, application to be delivered in the beginning of fall 2020. Where did time run?

Fast forward to the day before said university tour date (I’ve already asked for the day off months ago & am really excited about visiting this place!).

*BLING*

Um… Really? It’s lunch, though (oddly she seems to understand the no-phones-during-work concept already), so I look.

I get a picture… it’s an outline of our entire day, which not only includes the long drive, university tour, campus discussion, and such, but also squeezes in “appointment at DMV.”

Wait. What appointment? It’s Jaquline’s 10th birthday – my mind instantly pops to Kimberly and Jaquline’s open request for their FL IDs. Nope. Three dots (means she’s typing another text) pop up…

“Oh, that’s because 01/07 is when I can get my real driver’s license & I already booked the appointment so we will just make it if there’s traffic.”

I laugh out loud.

I could say impressed, but I’m not really. I know my young woman very well. She knows that if she wants something, she has to set it all up and make it happen. Expecially since I’ve been working full-time now, all of the girls have become far more independent. Before it was my policy that if they wanted something (plan an outing, attend an event, join a club/group, get a job, etc.) that wasn’t a family thing, I would help research and direct, but they had to do the paperwork, calling, or whatever else that had to be done. Now, though, my free time at home is taken up with the younglings doing really basic stuff like verifying schoolwork, going over new concepts again, attempting to train basic manners and such in two of three hours without feeling like a joy-leech (more on that to come later), and other such. Sometimes I feel like I never get to talk to my teens & preteen.

Driving them places was my only dedicated time to talk with them… I’m not sure I want her to have her license…

Nothing is going to slow her down.

I love that she’s so independent and self-reliant. I love that she has goals and makes things happen to reach them.

…I’ve been in thought too long, the three dots come back…

“It shouldn’t take too long. I made an appointment.”

So I send a smiley face. (I didn’t even realize the DMV was open that late)

*Pause for the tour… and the sweet story of this picture!*

The above picture was her grabbing a “quick selfie” with me as Dad stopped for his breakfast after the tour – “we have to have one picture from the tour with both of us!” (My heart almost melted, I had several pictures of her, just none of me... she meant she wanted a picture with me.)

Fast forward to January 7th, and I’m typing on a blog after driving Christina to her appointment. I’m waiting for my sixteen year old to get back from her test. She’s about to step into a new level of independence.

I’m not really scared – though most people say I should be.

I trust that she’s learned well. I trust that she will make safe, wise decisions. Mostly, this peace I’m carrying is because I know regardless of what I want, I can only hold her hand for so long – I have to let her grow. I let her go into God’s hands… back into God’s hands, actually. Not that she ever left His care, just that he entrusted Louis & I with her for a while. A few short years in the span of life… we get to hold, love on, teach, and enjoy our younglings as they learn in a safe, protected environment.

The ultimate test is what they do once they leave.

I see her trying to hide her excitement – CAP has taught her that – as she comes back in. She needs me to come to the agent’s window. I smile as I mentally ask myself, “is this the last time I’ll need to sign something for her to give permission?” (She’s not 18, so silly question, but that’s what my mind says to me.)

She passed (no, I’m not surprised) and we drive home. I tease her that I could take a nap in the backseat now.

Someone asked me, “aren’t you worried about her driving the interstate after…?” They didn’t complete it but my head did, “…you just lost Mary there.”

No. “Why not?”

I asked myself the same thing as Kimberly and Christina loaded up in “Old Blue” (her name for her car) in their ABUs and my oldest and preteen drove out on their first solo drive. “Why aren’t you worried?” – and I give myself the same answer I gave that person, “Jesus is in charge of my heart and hers.”

I’m secretly thrilled beyond measure of the whole university experience she will launch into next year. I’m excited for her getting to drive at 16 (I was 19 when I got my first driver’s license). I’m so proud of her I sometimes feel my heart might bust. And this is just the beginning… New stage, for me and for Christina.

This year, 2020, has already seen my first university tour (Christina), first fully licensed driver (Christina), and Kimberly’s first long trip away from home. 2020 will include: oldest trio’s first summer camp together, Christina’s first solo flight, Lucas’ starting kindergarten, Becky’s learner’s permit, and Kimberly’s Vyteen account. By their plans; Kimberly wants to take the PERT, Jaquline & Kimberly plan to be team gymnasts, Kimberly wants to be C/Sgt before summer… and those are just the ones I currently know about… I’m blessed to be their mom. I’m super excited for them.

Jesus is in charge of my heart and theirs. I have a peace as they grow that some people just don’t understand… but my joy in their achievements is something everyone can relate to!

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Thea is Mobile!

August 15, 2019

Thea is Mobile!

Yesterday was a day of firsts for me to watch.  Theadora is just beginning to want to explore.  She has this cute portable baby holder (looks like a walker, but baby just stays put in it and plays with some toys you choose to attach), you know, like a camp chair only for babies.  She liked that fine for a few months – at home, outside, at work, she was happy standing there, doing squats, and playing with her turtle.

Thea in my office with her portable baby holder

Then a friend gave her a baby bouncer.  This thing is like a walker, except it’s attached to springs on the frame and stays in one place with built in activities and a seat that spins 360 degrees!  Epic.  Thea loves it.  When we get home, that’s what she wants!  Christina introduced her to the drum set – and Thea loves that too.  Banging on stuff with both hands is now a bonafide activity.

And this is the bouncer Thea loves!

Now the portable baby holder doesn’t cut it.  Thea jumps in it and makes the whole thing move.  The dogs in my office have differing opinions on that – Faux is cautious, Beau thinks “Yippee, new toy,” and Lily looked up at me, whined, and vacated the office.

She loves the floor too!

Thea wants the floor or the bouncer.  No in-betweens.  On the floor, she’s been pretty static.  She has been rolling for about three months, but carefully, as all the floors in her environments are hard – she seems to have figured that slow, controlled rolling is how to do that without pain.  She’s been doing what I call “Superman Baby” since about the same time, but swivels round and round in a three-foot radius.  I could put her on her blanket and she was good – wouldn’t leave it.

Yesterday she discovered two new things:

  1. She grabbed the baby holder, pulled it over to her, and pulled herself up to sit!  Mom is not ready for that!
  2. “Spiderman Baby” aka being spread eagle like an X, pushes up with her arms like a push-up and toes to feet with a shove and rockets about a foot at a time forward!  Mom is really not ready for that!

Mom is not ready for Thea to be mobile!  I thought this as my mind replied, “were you ready for Christina to fly? Drive? How about Becky taking college classes? Kimberly flipping around in gym? Jaquline wearing high-heels? Jillian making lunch?  Lucas finally tying his own shoes?” Everything in life is a next level.  I love baby mode aka infant level, but also enjoy watching them grow and mature.  I enjoy being a part of their fantastic lives. 

Thea just jumped from infant level to mobile baby level – watch out world! (Or, maybe just watch out house.)

Type at you later,

~Nancy Tart

Fighting Failure

July 12, 2019

Fighting Failure

It’s when your mind tells you stuff that isn’t what God wants you to hear, but the logical part of you says, “yes, that’s right,” so you agree and allow the spirit of failure to permeate your day.

I know in my heart that anything discouraging that doesn’t come with a motivation for how to fix it isn’t from God.  Yet, my logical brain doesn’t always catch these.

Fighting with the spirit of failure has been tough for me lately, especially the last couple of weeks.  One of the girls says “you are always busy,” and I hear “you are never home” to which my logical brain reminds me that I leave before most  are awake and I come home straight to dinner, cleaning, and bedtime or arrive just as bedtime starts.  My brain reiterates: “you are a failure” (at being a good mom.)

Louis says, “obviously, that’s wrong” when I ask for his help and my brain says, “you can’t even put a couch cushion cover on right!” This makes me irritated so I leave because I am now mad at Louis – to which my brain shouts, “see, you’re a horrible wife,” and I believe that because I couldn’t even get dinner ready within an hour the night before but Louis can throw a gourmet meal together in twenty minutes (why do I even agree with that failure, I know I’m not a fast cook?).  My brain reminds me of strings of “wife fails” in reverse order like comic book pages on fast-forward speed laughing, “you are a failure” (at being a wife.)

I’m working so much and have little time (when they need me) lately to spend helping my family with our recent losses.  One of my friends says “you’ll make time,” and since I haven’t stopped my job or altered my schedule too much, my brain laughs, “you are a failure” (at being a good sister, daughter.)

One of my friends is going through a very trying time and I want to be there for her more, but I’m busy when she’s free or I turn into a pumpkin at nine-thirty (to get to bed by ten & therefore up by five to get ready for work) but she is usually home and free in the evenings.  My brain tells me, “see, you are such a failure” (at being a friend.)

BUT… (positive one!)

I have to remind my mind (remind = renew my mind, if you will) that we are all failures.  All have sinned and come short of perfection.  So, yes, of course I fail over and over!  God gives me peace, hope, and joy.  I do my best with what life has given me and pray for God to give me the joy (translates into strength for me) to handle what I’m lacking.

So even though physically and humanly, I am not matching up to my image of perfection (another trap for us perfectionists, we actually think somehow that we can be perfect on our own), when I remind my mind who I am, I remember this: I am saved by undeserved favor (meaning I did NOTHING to deserve it, rather I deserved to die).  Jesus knew my failures ahead of time yet chose to say, “I want her.”

Now I can fight this feeling of failure by choosing to fix where I can improve and trust God with the rest.  I’m not going to be working from home again anytime soon – I will trust God with that.  I can try to prioritize time spent at home.  (I think I’m doing good until I literally take a step wrong my first day off & bruise my neck & shoulders so I spend almost two whole days recovering and doing nothing… and those were supposed to be quality family days!)  I remind my mind, “in all things, trust God.”

The joy of the Lord is my strength.  My mind plays Rebecca St. James “Be The Voice,” and Mandisa’s “Born For This” as I tell myself to “Lay it All Down” and trust.  “This Song is Alive” and “My Heart’s Already There!” (Point of Grace, NewSong, respectively)

Music is my key to joy!  Music is how I fight failure!  Thank you, Jesus, for music!  Thank you for always helping me to fight the spirit of failure in me.

Type at you next time,

~Nancy Tart

Watching & Analyzing

Watching & Analyzing

April 27, 2019

I’ve always been a watcher.  I watch the world around me and (most of the time) analyze it.  I look at a beautiful blue sky and my mind says “wow, how pretty,” and quickly follows with “it won’t rain for the next few hours.”  (Yes, hours, we live in Florida – if you walk outside and don’t like the weather, go brush your teeth and check again.)

Honestly, I analyze too much.

I shouldn’t catch a glimpse of something and try to analyze it.

In relationships, that is nosy.  See someone and instantly turn on your inner Sherlock Holmes… (Four different cat hairs on her skirt, four cats – her house must be smelly… unless she uses that whatever-name-it-is-I-saw-on-tv multi-cat litter.  Is her purr-fume laced with tuna?)

That just isn’t nice.

In normal life, it can suck out the joy.

20190423_1109587165363620796550375.jpg

I catch this glance of my angel sleeping.  Instant thought: “My Mom will love this.” Second thought: “She was two months old on Easter Sunday.”  Third thought as I’m sending my mom the picture: “Daddy never saw her.”  Followed quickly by a flood: Daddy didn’t get to hear about Christina flying, Lucas will not remember his Grandfather, they won’t get to learn how amazing Daddy’s brain was – like talking to an educated encyclopedia with an open mind.  He was always listening, always talking, always making connections where we couldn’t see them; always the analyst.

Within two minutes (from the time I took the picture until Mom texted back), my mind had sent my mood from joyful to sorrowful.  From excited about young life to regretting the passing of my Daddy.  I had just rode an emotional roller coaster at work and nothing had changed on my face.

I forced myself to refocus.

Daddy always expected Christina to achieve her dreams – he once told me to “look out, she has your determination and a friendlier world; just you watch what she does!”

Lucas loves watching family videos and listening to stories of his “Santa Boompa” told by his big sisters.

I inherited Daddy’s knack for soaking up knowledge (probably why I can make myself learn any new job rather quickly) and if you want to start me talking… (yes, the girls call it lecturing) enter at your own risk because I’ll make strange connections, see beyond what is easily seen, and read into situations for what “could be.”

I remind myself that we can always shift our focus to the positive, and that’s what Daddy would have wanted.  He didn’t want anyone sad when he left us.  He always wanted the joy, smiles, and laughter that he tried to cultivate.  So, now I’m back to joyful.

Then music runs through my head: “I Choose Joy!” (For King & Country – I love that song!)

Yes, I choose joy.  Everyday.  I pray you do too.

 

Type at you Later…

~Nancy Tart

Pondering in My Heart

My pregnancy brain thoughts about Mary in her culture and her time – and how it relates to us in our time.

December 24, 2018

Pondering in My Heart

It’s Christmas Eve.

Usually, at this time, my mind overflows with thoughts about Mary, Jesus’ mother.  I think about her boldness when she says “let it be to me as you have said.”  I think about how the Bible always adds this little line after something she hears or watches; “and Mary pondered this in her heart.”

I especially feel empathy over the Christmases when I’ve been pregnant.  (2009 and 2011 when my babies came a few days into the new year were very busy with my pondering… so much that I wrote a children’s story about Jesus’ birth one of those years!)  This year, my little blessing is due to show up in about eight or ten weeks.

I like to study the culture of the person I’m trying to study: the historical significance of their world, the turmoil they faced, the cultural norms that differ from what we have today.   These little details help me to step into their shoes and wiggle my toes around. I like to imagine what it would have been like to be Mary, likely between 12 and 14 years old, among her Jewish community controlled by an Empirical Roman government when highways were roamed by soldiers and bandits, family and community were everything (so doing something against the community would have been horrid), and the talk of sedition (rebellion) was strong and swiftly crushed.  I wonder about her life: her childhood, her struggles as a parent, wife, and community member.  I remember that when she said “let it be unto me…” she was just a normal girl allowing God to use her.

She was like any one of us.

She had to humble herself before God and she doubted; as she even said, “but how can this be…” questioning the miracle before agreeing to be part of it.

She must have been a logical thinker like me.  “…pondered this in her heart…” That is what I do all the time.  Whether or not I speak, write, or pray about it, I think about everything that God surprises me with in life.  I want to put the puzzle together, but realize that God knows far more than me so I relax and resign myself to just “pondering” (thinking) and praying about what I don’t understand.

I love how the Bible uses real, authentic people.  People just like you and me are scattered in every story.  Every one of them has doubts, challenges, questions, obstacles, and life choices just like us.  Every one of them must make their own decisions, just like us.

We like to think of them in their glory – after they’ve moved to where they are in victory.  We remember David killing Goliath, Samson destroying the false temple, Mary as Jesus’ mother at or after his birth, Peter evangelizing, Paul traveling all over the known world, etc.  But each of them started as a normal person who had to make his or her own active choice to give of themselves and allow God to take the lead.

During Christmastime when I’m constantly rereading the story of Jesus’ birth to my children, I’m reminded that I have to humble myself and allow God to continually take control in my life so I can be and do what God has planned for me.  I encourage you to give God control over every aspect of your life – He designed you, He knows you best!  He knows the desires of your heart and sometimes you may not even know them yourself!

Thanks for reading!

Type at you later…

~Nancy Tart

Reset, Again

Resetting the brain of a PS2 inspires me… really?

November 10, 2018

Reset, Again

In the last blog (Proper Burial) I mentioned that Rebeccah likes to tinker with stuff.  She often fixes electronics when we think they are broken.

She had our playstation 2 unit scattered apart on the table (for the 5th time).  After hours and her final conclusion of “I have no clue what’s wrong with this thing!” she decided it was truly trash.

She always puts the garbage electronics back together like they were supposed to be – search me as to why (maybe because I once told her that sometimes resetting something was all it needed to come back to life) but she claims “a proper burial” for broken electronics is with the item totally back together.

So after Rebeccah put the Playstation 2 console back together for its “proper burial,” it now works.  (It was bought used and had a short since day one, sometimes the CD tray got stuck, and lately it would just choose to die.)  For days, that console has been working great.  She reset it back to “original” after cleaning every part in it and it has new life!

I’ve been considering that for some time.

Sometimes God wants us to close the doors on something old and leave it buried.  Sometimes he wants us to reset it.  Maybe what we’re resetting isn’t so much the item as it is our way of thinking.

The playstation console’s brain just needed all the dust cleaned out, everything disconnected and reconnected, and the source of power reset.  Yes, this was the 5th time!

Maybe we need to allow God to reset the way we think – clean all the garbage out of our brain and connect all the synapses to what we’re supposed to think about (remember, whatever is good, just, lovely, think on these things?) instead of dwelling on misfires like our failures… hmm.

Is that a lot to think about because I saw the inside of a playstation brain cleaned and now it works?  Maybe.  But I like to analyze things… maybe I analyze stuff too much.

I try to allow God to renew my mind daily.  (He says each new day is fresh in Him.)  Thinking about the things I see in life (like a silly piece of electronics) working according to God’s design helps me think that all things obey God.  (I know, silly, but if it helps me be encouraged, maybe it will help someone else!)

Thanks for reading!

Type at you later…

~Nancy Tart

Fearfully and Wonderfully

I’m so amazed by how God loves us and in awe of His creation.

July 22, 2018

Fearfully and Wonderfully

Have you ever stopped to ponder (seriously think, dwell on thoughts) about creation?

I love to watch nature.  I love to watch our animals: fish in their tanks, guinea pigs in the run, chickens in the yard, dogs in the house.  I love to watch my plants grow.  I can’t wait to have roses again!  (Roses are my absolute favorite in the world.)   I enjoy the cycles of life that create our world and the natural beauty of it.

Take plants; they need special nutrients in the soil from decaying animals and micro or trace nutrients left from other plants to reach their best.   Animals eat plants.  Plants “eat” decaying animals.  We harvest food from both plants and animals.

The cycle of water amazes me.  Water is evaporated from the oceans and other waterways, stored in clouds, and poured out onto the land where it gathers in creeks, rivers, and underground aquifers.  The water underground rises (or we drill for it) and we have clean drinking water filtered by the air and rocks.

Each of these systems were spoken into being when God spoke creation into action.  Yet He chose to form each one of us by knitting us together in our mother’s womb.  Does that boggle your mind?  All of these awesome forces of nature spoken into existence yet He takes the time to craft each one of us.  He cares for each of us.

God set up our world to provide us with animals and plants for food, trees, rocks, sand, or thatch to make shelters, and a boundless supply of fresh drinking water.  (Even in the desert, cacti carry water, the ground holds water, and native peoples have amazing techniques for pulling water from the sand!)

Yet He fashioned us.  He molded Adam from dust and breathed life into him.  He knits us together in our mothers’ wombs.  He knows us before we are born.  He surrounds us with examples of His majesty in our natural world.  We have been fearfully and wonderfully made.  He loves us.

To think that Jesus enjoys it when I speak to Him totally blows my mind.  I am amazed by His love.  Thank you, God, for Your awesome love!

Thanks for reading!

Type at you next time…

~Nancy Tart

 

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